Beyond Hope:Theapry
by Tonks32
Summary: Companion/sequel to my story Beyond Hope. Beckett has been ordered to undergo therapy and it brings up some good and bad emotions as the detective struggle to cope with being shot. Of course she won't be doing it alone.
1. First meeting

"Detective Beckett."

Beckett nearly jolted out of her chair feeling like a kid that had just been called in by the principal. Doing her best to mask the discomfort, the detective pushed to her feet casting a glance at the girl beside her. "You don't have to wait."

Alexis smiled, "Of course I do." She simply stated and went back to reading.

Knowing that it was pointless to argue, Beckett took a breath of courage and followed the doctor into the office. She lingered by the door taking in the décor of the room unsure of what to do with herself. The room was small with a large desk in the middle with two small chairs tucked in the corner near a wall length bookshelf. For some reason she had pictured the room to have a couch somewhere.

"I'm Dr. Nathan Jules." The slightly older man with graying hair extended a hand to the detective.

"Kate Beckett." She briefly shook the outstretched hand before hastily dropping it.

Nathan gestured to the seats near the window, "Please have a seat."

Beckett complied and was surprised when the doctor took the seat next to her instead of the one behind the oak desk. For some reason it just made the nerves in her stomach quicken their dance. "I'm sorry." She apologized hiding her trembling hands.

The doctor gave her a warm smile trying his best to make the woman feel at ease. She was trying to come across as confident and in control, but it was easy for Nathan to see through the façade. She looked so vulnerable and broken, swamped in a baggy gray shirt and with her hair just thrown hastily into a bun. It was as if she was just trying to blend into the world in an attempt to disappear. He could actually feel the pain radiating from the detective. "Not one for therapy?"

"You can say I have a love-hate relationship with it." Beckett confessed thinking of the year long stint she did after her mother died. It was both a therapeutic as well as horrifying experience. "I umm did a year of it when my mother died. Well it was more forced onto me by the department after graduating the academy."

"Did you find that it helped?"

"It did." A silence filled the room and Beckett found her gaze traveling to the window. She wasn't sure how to handle this situation and it made her nervous. It was a well known fact that talking about feelings wasn't something that she was particularly good at.

It didn't take very long for Nathan to reach that conclusion. He had read her file the night before and it gave him only a fraction of the portrait that made Kate Beckett. As a cop, there wasn't a better one on the streets. Beckett worked every case as if it was her own mother's unsolved file. Always was the first one at the office and the last one to leave, if she did at all. Her police jacket was clean not one complaint or infraction had been filed telling Nathan that the detective took her job seriously and did it very well. But as far as her personal life, the doctor didn't have a clue.

"Let's start with an easy question." Nathan started, "How are you doing today?"

"I'm-." Broken. Lost. A shadow of the headstrong woman she was before the shooting. Beckett searched for an adequate word but only came up with, "okay." That couldn't have been further from the truth. She had just perfected the mask that told those who looked at her that she was fine, that she was healing. But in reality Beckett found herself struggling to keep from sliding down into the dark abyss of despair. Trying to keep the Pandora's Box from opening that she sealed away when her mother died. It was so easy to let it drive her to the brink where the thought of just ending it wasn't that far out of the question. If wasn't for the constant presences of Alexis, Martha, and Castle it would have taken her under the moment she left the hospital. She was so used to doing things alone and maybe by some miracle she could stand alone with this, but it was so much easier with someone standing by her. Not just someone, only Castle. He was the only person she trusted to share this burden with, the only person she knew that wouldn't abandon her when the weight got too heavy.

"Are you in any pain?" Nathan asked his voice drawing her out of her thoughts.

"Some, but it's getting better every day."

"But not as fast as you like?"

Beckett smiled, "No, but I'm trying not to push myself. The bullet did a lot of damage and I've been told a few dozen times that I'm lucky to be alive. It's just hard going from being in such great shape to being winded after a round of physical therapy. They say it's going to take maybe a year to get back to 90%. I've been told not to expect to ever be they way I was before especially since I'm missing a few organs."

"Who is the one keeping you in check to make sure you don't push yourself?"

"Lanie, my best friend since I joined the force, and the boys."

Nathan waited for her to continue only for her to close off. It was clear there were more people, but it was something that he was going to have to pull out of her. "And the girl in the waiting room." He watched her gaze drift to the door. "Who is she?"

"She is my partner's daughter." Beckett nearly said boyfriend, but that didn't seem like the right word to call Castle. It seemed almost childish because what Castle was to her transcended any title. The way he seemed to complete a part of her that she didn't know was missing couldn't be covered under the boyfriend category. If she was one for poetry Beckett would say that maybe soul mate would be the closest thing. God if Castle ever heard her say such a thing he would never let her live it down.

"Partner." Nathan smiled at the way the title was more like a term of endearment. "This would be Richard Castle, the man who tried to jump in front of the bullet."

It happened quickly, too quickly for Beckett to brace for the avalanche of emotions. The scene flashed before her, but this time it wasn't her bleeding with Castle looming over her telling her to hold on. Instead it was Castle's blood that coated her hand and her words begging him to stay with her. One moment that's all it would have taken for the bullet to hit him instead of her. A moment and he could have been ripped from her world. All the sudden Beckett found it difficult to breathe as she struggled to push the horrid images back into its box. Now she understood why Castle had told her his feelings at that moment in time. If she was in his position Beckett would confess her love because if he left the world without knowing she would hate herself.

Beckett was snatched from the twisted dream that could have been by a firm hand on her knee. "I'm sorry." Tears threatened to fall and it took all of Beckett's willpower to keep them at bay. "I'm so sorry."

Nathan slid a box of tissues across the table meeting her gaze, "I'm assuming that is a yes?"

The detective parted her lips to affirm his speculation, but then bit back on her words. Was she ready to spill every corner and chamber of her guarded heart to a man she was uncertain about. For Christ's sake it took her years to even gather the courage to admit to herself what her partner meant to her. How was she supposed to define all her emotions to some stranger with a PHD. "Yes Castle is my partner." That was all he was going to get for the time being.

Nathan wanted to push on with this line of thought, but knew that this wasn't something that needed to be touched on today. Instead he stuck to a safe path and asked, "How are you adjusting now that you're out of the hospital."

"It's been strange really." Beckett swallowed hard taking a moment to collect her scattered thoughts. "I'm used to pretty much working every waking moment that it's been hard to adjust to the stillness of life."

"Your doctors' and physical therapy appointments must keep you busy."

"More than I like." Beckett admitted rubbing her arm where she had been stuck just that morning. "I'm not a big fan of doctors or hospitals for that matter."

"I say anyone who has to spend nearly a month in one has the right to hate them. How did you keep yourself from going crazy?"

"Lots of board games, books, and visitors."

"What kind of books do you like to read?"

Beckett gave a small shrug, "mystery with a little bit of romance. I know it's strange, I mean why would I want to read about murder when I live with it every day."

"I don't find it that strange." Nathan assured, "My favorite books are physiological thrillers. I like to see another part of people that I don't get to truly see in life. I can get people to talk about what's inside them all day, but even then they don't tell me everything. The books give me an insight to the mind."

"It's the same thing that draws me to the books. To see the inside of a killer's head even in fiction gives me a slightly better understanding when trying to hunt them."

"Tell me." Nathan moved to the desk to pick up her file, "Why did you become a cop? Childhood dream?"

Beckett dropped her gaze to her hands as if they became the most interesting thing in the room. Talking of her mother was another thing that wasn't easy for her to talk about. "My mother's murder." She was pretty sure that Nathan could have figured that one on his own. "They never caught the guy and the detective on the case didn't give it his all. Now I know he intentionally did a half-ass job, but at that moment it just ignited this passion inside me. I wanted to be that detective that gave every case her all to make sure what happened to my mother's case didn't happen to anyone. I wanted to be that person who sought justice for those who need someone to stand up for them. Someone needs to speak for the dead and for the families who had their lives shattered by brutal death."

"And that someone is you." Nathan finished memorized by the passion in her face. Her reasoning was sound, but he couldn't help but ask the question, "Has there ever been a time where you think maybe this wasn't the right choice for you? That if that one event hadn't happened your life would have lead you into a different direction?"

_To many times to count_, she dared not say that aloud. That one event had changed so much in her life and brought more heartache than joy. But looking back on all the pain and tears, Beckett could never truly say with all her heart that her choice to become a cop was a mistake. She couldn't because if she had never picked up the badge it would have never led her to this moment in time. Never would have brought these incredible people in her life that had become her family. Beckett tried to think just a moment without Lanie, the boys, or the Castles and knew before that moment ended it wasn't a life she wanted. "I know that if that moment hadn't happened that my life would be different, but I never once regretted my choice to become a cop."

"Being shot doesn't change that?"

"No." Beckett didn't even need to think twice. It may take her some time to get back to the cop she was before, but she could never truly walk away from the job. "The moment I took up the shield I prepared myself that at any time I might take a bullet."

"I can't imagine there is any amount of preparing that could actually prepare for the moment actually happening." Nathan insisted.

"No it can't. But in the past year I've been nearly gunned down multiple times, stuck in a freezer where I nearly froze to death, and faced down a dirty bomb that threatened to destroy the city-."

Nathan broke in with a thought, "and how did you pull through each of those situations?"

Once again, the detective moved her gaze to the window hesitant to speak. There was a need to keep what was between her and Castle to herself for as long as she could. Beckett knew eventually that there would be no avoiding talking about it, just for this visit she would give him only as little as she could. "I wasn't alone." Every single time Castle had been by her side ready to face death by her side. Her mind went back to the day when they stood in front of the bomb and what still struck her was the fact that she hadn't been scared. Because if she was going to die it just seemed so right that it was Castle by her side at the end. Not Josh or her father, but him. Beckett couldn't help but be comforted by the fact that if they both died then she wouldn't have to think of a life without him. They would go out together because together they could face anything. Even death.

Nathan made a quick note and knew that they had reached a standstill in this session. He didn't want to push too much to make her close off to him completely. "I think today wasn't too bad was it?"

"I think I might have imagined worse." But boy was she glad that this was over. Because she wasn't sure if her trembling legs would support her, Beckett slowly pushed to her feet using the chair to make sure she remained upright. What she needed now was a distraction and knew that Alexis would be the best person for the job.

Nathan met her by the door offering his hand for the second time and was pleased that her hand didn't tremble when she took it. "It was great meeting you Detective Beckett. I look forward to our session next week."

Noticing the door swing open, Alexis tugged out her ear buds and greeted the detective with a warm smile. She noticed the shadows in the woman's eyes and wanted to do whatever she could to chase them away. "All done?"

Beckett did her best to smile, "Yep. I'm starving let's say we go and grab a bite to eat."

"Milkshakes at Remy's?" The teenager purposed.

"That sounds perfect." Linking arms with the girl, Beckett lead them towards the elevator. There was no better way she could think of spending her afternoon than with Alexis over milkshakes and thumb wars.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

They were quiet for most of the journey to the diner as Beckett was still trying to sort out all the feelings that had been drudged up in the past hour. She was still trying to get rid of the image of Castle bleeding in her arms from her mind. She could block out the memories of the late nights calls to drag her father out of bars. She could even forget the numerous dead bodies she had seen in her career. She could almost block out the image of her mother broken and bloody in some damp alley. But the image of what could have been haunted her even with her eyes open. What if that bullet had hit him instead of her? Beckett glanced at the redhead in the passenger seat who stared carelessly at the window. Just the thought of telling Alexis that her father might not make it, killed her. How would Alexis even recover from something like that? Nearly a decade had passed and she still struggled with her mother's death.

"Kate." Alexis reached over to touch Beckett's hand chasing away some of the shadows in her eyes.

"Sorry." Beckett apologized struggling with the tears that burned at the back of her throat. Taking a deep breath, she pulled into an empty parking spot outside of Remy's. She tried with all her might to remain somewhat in control whenever Alexis was around. "Let's eat."

"Wait." Alexis scrambled from the car to stop Beckett before she headed inside. "Please wait. I know I'm not my dad, but I've inherited his listening skills. And I'm stronger than I look so you don't have to pretend for my sake."

"You've been through enough." Beckett tried to explain. Witnessing the shooting as well as being subjected to the horrible feelings of the unknown as the detective fought for her lift was far more than anyone her age should go through.

"Weakest excuse ever."

The tone of her voice had a smile tugging at Beckett's lips. "I'm not on top of my game," she kindly reminded, leaning against the car.

Alexis followed suit, "It catches me off guard too." She didn't bother looking at Beckett. "At the most random moments most of the time. I could be with Ashley or ordering coffee and I just see him falling only he doesn't get up. You're there, but I can't get to him."

"You Castles and your Jedi mind reading trick." Beckett folded Alexis in a very tight embrace as they both fought off the horrible image. Alexis clung to her like a child, it was the first time Beckett ever saw her act like a kid. "I wish I could take those away, Alexis. I wish I could turn back the clock on so many things but I can't. Your father is okay and I think whether we like it or not we are stuck with him for a very long time. We stood in this exact same spot once and I told you that I will do everything I could to make sure your father came home to you and I will make sure I keep doing that." Now that she finally opened herself to the possibility of love and all the fantastic things it had to offer, Beckett was going to do everything humanly possible to keep it. To keep Castle because without him she would cease to exist.

"You make sure that you do everything in your power so you walk through the door too." Alexis softly begged the hitch in her voice causing the detective to tighten her hold. It seemed that all the women romantically involved with her father, her own mother included, seemed to walk out of her life at their convince with no care to how it affected Alexis. Beckett was different; she actually wanted to spend time with her and enjoyed it. Gina had always been forced and would spend the entire time on her cell phone talking to God knows who. And her own mother couldn't even bother to come for her birthday once again and the times she did, she would end up flaking at the last moment. "I don't think my father can handle it if he loses you, I know I won't be able to. You've been more of a mother to me in the last three years than my own has my entire life. I keep waiting for you to walk away to-."

"That's never going to happen." Beckett cut her off taking the girl's face in her hands. It seemed like this whole ordeal caused a lot of pain and painful feelings to be stirred in everyone involved, not just her. "I can't promise that my job won't take me away or that I won't die in some freak accident, but I promise you that I will do everything humanly possible to never leave you. And I will never-NEVER walk away from you Alexis. No matter what happens between your father and I, I will always be there for you because I love you. I loved you long before I started dating your father."

Tears shinning in her eyes, Alexis gave her a gentle yet powerful hug that had the detective stumbling a few steps back. "I love you too, Kate. I'm so glad that my dad found you."

Laying her cheek on top of Alexis's head, Beckett found herself smiling, "No matter what I may have said before, I'm glad too." They fell silent holding each other as the emotions washed through them. Beckett never thought therapy would have this affect on her life in such a short time. "Hey you think maybe while we eat you can share your Jedi ways so I can use it on your father?"

Alexis pulled away smiling her cheeks damp with tears, "yes, young padawon, I will teach you the ways of the Jedi."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Through the music blasting in his ears, Castle heard the door close signaling the return of his daughter and partner. He resisted the urge to rush out to greet them. Therapy was something that Beckett was still wrestling with. It was something that the department forced upon her before she was truly ready. So she was going to need space and time to think and if she wanted to share the experience with him it would have to be on her terms.

Once Alexis took off towards her bedroom, Beckett shrugged out of her jacket to toss it over the railing of the stairs and smiled when she caught sight of Castle. He was sprawled in one of the chairs with his feet propped up on the coffee table laptop in hand. Judging by the way his foot tapped Beckett knew that he had his headphones in and if she stood around long enough she would be graced with his singing. How quick this became so normal should have scared her because her life seemed to be changing every time she turned around, but nothing ever felt so right. Coming home after a day with Alexis to find Castle perched in the living room was so domestic and perfect.

Her smile growing wider, the detective crossed the room to lean down and drape her arms over his shoulders so she could nuzzle her cheek to his. Beckett heard the quick intake of his breath surprised by the sudden display of affection. Sometime during her stay at the hospital she realized that he was the one always reaching out to touch. It was something that Beckett was working on to reverse. She was never a really touchy feely kind of girl or so she thought. But maybe it was just she never truly felt so drawn to a person that she needed to have some form of contact with them. All she knew was that whenever Castle was in arm's reach, Beckett just had this incredible urge to touch some part of him. Almost as she was reassuring herself that he was real and he was hers. "Hey handsome," Beckett greeted as she trailed a hand down his chest until it linked with his.

Castle turned until their mouths were mere inches apart, "Well hello there beautiful." Her fingers found their way into his hair and he closed his eyes savoring the feeling. This was definitely not the mood he pictured she'd be in after her being forced to talk about feelings for an hour. "I missed you." It was stupid really, they had seen each other just that morning, but he was just so used to being around her that he almost didn't know what to do with himself when they were apart.

"I missed you too." Laughter bubbled out of her as Castle gave her a hard tug sending her sprawling into his lap where it was lost between the caverns of his lips. She loved how easily she could lose herself in him. Something else that was new and exciting. "You got a good kid there, Castle."

The corner of his mouth lifted in a proud smile, "I've been told that once or twice. Good thing she has all the good qualities we Rodgers possess." He brushed her hair from her slightly pale face. He could tell that the events of the day had drained her and at one point had made her cry. Though it seemed like she had tried to hide it with makeup, her eyes were red and slightly swollen. "You okay?"

"Tired." She whispered pillowing her head on his shoulder indebted that she always found solace in his arms. "Thank you."

"For what?"

Where on earth did Beckett even begin? "For everything. For reading to me every moment I was unconscious. For staying by my side every day at the hospital. And the nights you were banned, for talking to me on the phone until I fell asleep." Her voiced hitched as it was overflowing with emotions. There was just so much that she needed to tell him if only she had the words. Forever wasn't enough time to express just how grateful she was for this man and his incredible family. "Thank you for being there every time I woke and for rocking me through the tears of my nightmares. For just always being there when I don't even know I need it. Thank you for loving and understanding me enough to be ever so patient as I try to find myself again." That was possibly the one thing she was most grateful for. Castle had been so patient with the progression of their relationship, somehow being okay with late night cuddles, talks, and long kisses and never pressing her for anything more. Any other man would have gotten tired after a month of nothing but that and walked away. Not Castle.

"Kate."

"Shh." She begged knowing if she stopped then she would never get everything out. It didn't help that seeing tears in his crystal eyes nearly made it impossible to continue. "I love you. God I love you so much. I might not say it often or show it the way you do, but I promise you I'm getting there. I never want you to doubt for a second what you mean to me. Because I love you Richard Castle more than I've ever loved anyone. It scared me for so long, but no more. I love you." It felt so good to say the words so freely. "And your daughter and mother. I love-."

Castle slammed his mouth to hers no longer fighting the tears. It felt like he waited a thousand lifetimes to hear those sweet words fall from her lips. And he could have waited a thousand more because she was worth it. There was no other woman for him beside Kate Beckett. He might have hit a couple road bumps on the way, but eventually he found the right path that lead to her. "I love you Kate." He chanted between kisses as their tears mingled on their lips. "Don't ever thank me for loving you. Don't ever think there will be a day where that love will stop because it's never going to happen. And I'll wait for you as long as it takes. My whole life if you need, Kate. I will wait until my dying day for you because there is no one else for me."

"I don't deserve any of this." But she'd be damned if she would let anyone take it away from her.

"I'll be the judge of that." Castle assured her, "So I guess therapy went okay?"

A watery laugh escaped her, "you can say that."

So I did have really really bad writers block so this might suck but I want to hear what you guys thought. Good, bad and the ugly leave it in a review! All is welcome!


	2. Breaking down Walls

**First off thank you to Raïka for looking over this! So sorry for the delay in posting again, but they say you can't rush art and my life as been so busy! So I made this extra long to make up for it. Good news is I finally know where this story is going and what I want to do with it. Just to warn people I will be taking some things from the episodes, but not too much just to tie it into the show so it's not too much AU. ANYWAYS enjoy!**

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><p>Ever since the day Beckett left the hospital the loft was very rarely empty. It seemed like every night there was an extra guest at the dinner table or for a movie marathon or nightly work out. Lanie came over every day after her shift to make sure the detective was doing the exercise instructed by the physical therapist. Ryan and Esposito came over to update her and Castle on the hunt for her shooter (Or lack thereof) before indulging in a Halo or Madden session. But every Saturday, no matter where each person was in the life, the family that had formed over the horrible events would always come together to share a meal and a night full of stories.<p>

"Hey Katie." Jim, being the last one to arrive, shrugged out of his jacket to see most everyone already sitting at the dining room table. "Sorry I'm late."

"It's okay, dinner is just about ready." Beckett exchanged a quick, yet powerful hug with her father. It was something she was still getting use. Ever since her mother's murder, Beckett and Jim hadn't been real touchy feely. Not even after Jim got sober, there was just so much to have to be worked through.

After greeting everyone, Jim took his place at the table next to Alexis and Martha. "Smells good."

"Richard is an excellent cook, I honestly don't know where he gets it from. Not from me." Martha smirked. "My usefulness in the kitchen is very limited."

"Well I had to teach myself so my daughter wouldn't eat out of a takeout carton all her life." Castle filled in as he appeared from the kitchen balancing two trays on his arms. "Hey Jim."

The man in question was already standing to help the writer unload his arm, "Rick." The exchanged a hand shake, "I hear the new Niki Heat book is going to be hitting the shelves in a few weeks."

Castle stammered like he always did when Jim brought up the Niki Heat books, "Y-yeah. Beck-I mean Heat." He took a moment to take a deep breath as Jim fought back a smile. "Yes, I've got to start a press tour soon and have a few book signings over the city. Hopefully that all is wrapped up just as Beckett gets back onto active duty."

"If Gates lets you back in." Ryan muttered. The writer had been sneaking in whenever Gates was off at meetings or out for lunch to help them try to put pieces of evidence together. Castle would do all the leg work as him and Esposito kept up with their normal work since Gates had all but shut down the investigation when they hit a dead end on every lead. Just one day they hadn't been watching the clock and caught Castle hacking away at Beckett's computer. He tried to play it off as if he was leaving her a note as he hadn't really spoken to her, but the new captain didn't buy it and kicked him out of the station.

Alexis looked perplexed, "why did she kick him out?"

"Apparently her precinct's got no room for, uh … "dilettante writer playing cop"." Ryan filled in with a shrug.

"We've got a at least two weeks to figure that one out." Beckett reminded and knew together they could think of something. She never thought in a million years that she would fight to keep Castle as her partner when she had been so against it in the first place.

"So." Ryan started as he passed the platter full of chicken to his right. "The annual blue vs red game is next Saturday."

"Red vs Blue?" Alexis asked taking her share off the plate. This was becoming an annual Saturday thing, them all getting together for dinner or a movie. Some nights they would divide girls downstairs while the boys were upstairs battling over the Xbox. It was nice having the house full of laughter after everything they all had been through the past month and a half. It was like she had aunts and uncles for the first time in her life and she loved it.

"It's a softball game between the 12th Fire Department vs. the 12th Police precinct." Beckett explained trying not to show how upset she was that she wouldn't be able to participate in the game this year.

"Yeah, so we were thinking." Ryan gestured to his partner to know that this was indeed a shared idea. "That since you are on the DL list that maybe Castle might be able to fill in for you."

Both Martha and Alexis broke into a fit of laughter at the exact same time causing Castle's cheeks to start to heat. "Not such a good idea," He sheepishly spoke, "The one and only time I attempted to throw a ball I ended up breaking a window in the house."

Esposito turned his gaze to Alexis, "What about you little Castle? Any better than your dad?"

The teenager shrugged, "I manage not to do too much damage in gym class."

"So you'll take Beckett's spot," Ryan agreed.

Beckett caught a slight disappointment cross Castle's face and jumped in on his behalf. "They both can." She nudged the writer's shoulder to get him to smile, "You have a week to learn the best you can and don't worry not everyone that plays can actually play."

"We will meet after work and even on lunch breaks," Ryan insisted. Anything to escape the tension that had enveloped the homicide floor at the 12th since Iron Gates took over. "That way you won't make a total fool of yourself."

"Thanks," Castle managed.

"Afterwards we have a bit of a cook out, which is if we didn't kill each other during the game. So Martha and Dad you should come," Beckett insisted catching her father by surprise. Their relationship before the shooting had been somewhat strained from those years he dove off the deep end after her mother's death. Beckett hated herself now for keeping him at arm's length for the past eight years because it was his punishment for abandoning her. "In fact after we're done lets go hit the batting cages?"

"I'm down," Ryan agreed gently nudging his soon to be wife's shoulder, just wait until you see my girl in action."

His partner looked to Lanie, "I can even teach you how to bat."

Lanie smiled at him, her eyes dancing with a hidden humor that only Beckett caught on to. "Sounds fun!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

They found an Arcade/Batting cage about just on the outskirts of the city, the only one they figured wouldn't be overrun with kids seeing it being a Saturday night. Castle bought an hour worth of cage time while the boys gathered enough helmets and bats. The night had a cool summer breeze to it making it a perfect night for this sort of thing. Beckett and Alexis took the back row of the bleacher while watching the men rock paper scissors for dibs on the cage.

"Any word from Ashley?' Beckett asked distracting the teenager momentarily.

"A bit." Alexis tried to shrug it off, but it didn't fool the detective. Ashley had left for Sanford earlier in the week to get his dorm and classes situated so that way he could spend the last week or so of summer in New York with her. "He called me when he landed and then when he got to the campus."

Beckett rubbed a hand down the girl's back, "you okay?"

"No," Alexis stated.

"Then this is what you do," Lanie broke into the conversation sitting on the other side of Alexis. The ME held the end of the bat out. "When you get in there just pretend that every ball is his face."

"Then if that doesn't help. Lanie and I-."

"Don't forget me!" Jenny chimed in.

"And Jenny will meet him at the airport and rough him up a bit." Beckett was pleased when the corner of the girl's mouth twitched as if she was fighting a smile. Beckett wanted to give that boy a piece of her mind. She had this overwhelming urge to knock him upside the head for upsetting Alexis in any way shape or form. She loved Alexis, so to see her hurting made Beckett hurt as well. "Lanie is an ME so she will know how to leave no evidence on the body. I'm a cop so I know some of the best places to put a body where they'll never be found. Jenny, she's Irish, there is no telling what the woman will do."

Alexis couldn't hold the smile any longer as she was engulfed in a hug between the three women, making her feel instantly better. So much had changed in such a short time. Alexis was perplexed at how such a bad event could lead to such a wonderful change of life. "Thanks." She glanced up after Alexis heard the click of a camera phone to find her father holding up his phone. "Dad."

Castle only shrugged. Whenever it was possible, the writer always tried to distract his daughter when collage and Ashley was mentioned. It may be selfish and he made sure he didn't do it when it was something that was really eating at Alexis. "Jenny, you and Ryan are up." He announced sliding onto the bench and was surprised when Beckett leaned over to wrap her arms around him. "You okay?"

Beckett nuzzled his cheek, "Great."

"All right break up the mushy stuff." Esposito commanded nearly shoving the writer off the bleacher as he squeezed in. "Better take notes there Writer Monkey."

Jenny dumped a helmet over her head and took her stance inside the batter's cage. "Hit it!" She called out and Ryan pressed the button to start feeding the machine. She swung at the first pitch sending it flying to the far end of the cage, the ball hitting the back fence with a loud zing. Behind her, Jenny heard the group on the bench let out a cheer of approval.

When she went through two whole round without missing a single ball, Castle dropped his face in his hands. "I think we should let Jenny take my spot." Embarrassing himself in front of them was one thing, but the whole department was another.

Laughing, Jenny slipped out of the cage handing over her bat and helmet to Ryan, "I've been playing since I've been four. It's what happens when you have four brothers who do nothing but play baseball. Plus, it's slow pitch, Rick. You can't be that bad."

A wordless expression crossed the writer's face. Obviously she hadn't been there when he missed the ball Esposito tossed at him in the precinct.

Beckett picked up the helmet that had been left carelessly at the end of the bench and dumped it over his head, flattening out his hair so it fell over his brow. The detective resisted the urge to laugh at how ridiculous he looked. "Try," She urged giving him a push of encouragement.

Grumbling, Castle took his stance in the batter's box trying to find the best grip on the end of the bat that didn't feel unnatural. "All right, let's get this over with. Everyone enjoy the show." Castle parted his feet and concentrated on the arm of the machine, waiting for the ball to hurl at him. He swung so hard that not only did he miss it by a mile, but ended up hitting himself in the back of the head with the bad. He heard the group struggle not to laugh.

"Don't take your eye off the ball." Beckett leaned against the fence, "And don't choke up so much on the bat."

Castle shifted his grip and opened his stance a little wider. This time when the arm wrenched around Castle was able to get a piece of the ball, slicing it to the right. "Look at that!" Like a child, Castle beamed with pleasure.

"Don't get all excited there, Jeter." Beckett smiled at the delight on his handsome face. It was easy to miss the simple joys in life in the fast pace of life, but Castle was of the rare breed that stopped to enjoy every single moment. Even after wrestling with death, Beckett was still just going through the motions of life, never really stopping to just enjoy something simple as a sunrise. Or a fun night out at the batting cages with those who see called family. "Try hitting the ball, not just clipping it."

Castle stuck his tongue at her, "Buzz kill!"

By the end of the round Castle managed to hit three balls, while slicing a half dozen and completely missing the rest. Good enough feat to have the boys cheering him as he exited the cage making the girls just roll their eyes. "Your turn Lex." Beckett waved her on, "Let's see if you can redeem the Castle name since I'm on the DL list."

Beaming, Alexis scrambled from her seat to take the bat and helmet from her father who had a gleam in his eyes. The meaning of Beckett's word weren't lost on anyone but the female detective who stared at them with a puzzled look. "Okay let's see how I do." Alexis eagerly took post in the batter's box, "Ready."

Hitting the button, Beckett happily leaned into Castle to watch Alexis swing and crush the first pitch. "Nice!" she gabbed Castle gently in the gut when the teenager hit the next three pitches, "Looks like not all is lost."

"So the Castle name won't be too disgraced next week, thank god!" Castle enjoyed the way Beckett's face light up as she traded friendly banter back and forth with his daughter while the others hooted and hollered in appraisal. The wall that Beckett put up after the shooting was showing signs of weakening. Her smile seemed natural and her laughter was full of life, which was music to the writer's ears.

"Stop staring, Writer Boy." Lanie huffed taking her turn inside the cage. "It's creepy."

"It's writer man!" Castle corrected.

Smiling, Lanie glanced at the bat as if trying to figure out which way to hold it until she finally took hold with a high choke. On her first swing, she missed and the force of it had her doing a full turn about. Esposito climbed off the bench, "you're holding the bat too high." He slipped inside the cage after the machine threw the next pitch. The male detective slid his arms around the ME to place her hands in the correct place. "Spread out your feet and relax, you're too tense."

Lanie smirked, but did as told. 'Like this?"

"Yep, here comes the next one." Together they swung and the ball connected with the sweet spot of the ball, sending it sailing. "There you go, Chicka. Just keep your eye on the ball."

The ME waited until Esposito cleared way before winking at Beckett and letting the balls fly. Lanie hit every single ball, sending each one flying to the back fence. When she turned around she found Esposito staring with his mouth hinged open in disbelief. "Looks like I'm a fast learner." Laughing, she exchanged high fives with Jenny, Alexis, and Beckett before handing over the equipment.

"Dude you just got played. I think she's better than you!" Ryan gave his partner a friendly slap on the back. "Maybe we should just let the women play for us. We will have a winning chance."

"Who is up for some Laser Tag?" Castle asked and was met by a few looks of confusion, but he just shrugged. "Come on, it's Saturday and we are already here. Let's pretend to be kids for a few hours." He pointed to his daughter, "Especially you!"

There wasn't really any arguing with the writer and in truth none of them had engaged anything this childish in a long time, so they were overdue. They split up into two teams: the normies vs. the shields. An unfair match, but Beckett politely pointed out that they were outnumbered by two so it made it even.

With the help of Castle, Beckett dawned on her vest that had just one light square in the front and back. She glanced at the bulky square laser gun, it was almost primitive compared to the one that Castle greeted her with three years ago. Maybe she would have to suggest that Castle break out his gear some weekend.

"One second." Castle hurried over to the teenager who looked less than thrilled to be catering to a bunch of adults. He fished out his cell phone, quickly moving his fingers over the screen, and handed it to the boy. "Mind taking a picture."

"Castle," groaned the group even though they were smiling.

"Come on I want to capture the moment," he explained rushing back to squeeze in between Beckett and his daughter. Much to his amusement everyone struck a pose. The girls did the classic Charlie's Angels poses while Ryan and Espositio went with a thuggish one leaving Castle standing there laughing like an idiot!

"Thank you for humoring him," Beckett spoke to the boy as he handed Castle back his phone. "Not every day you play laser tag against New York's finest."

The teenager's eyes rounded, "You guys are cops?" He asked his face moving across the small group, "Like real deal cops?"

"Detectives actually," Ryan corrected.

They were blinded by darkness as they shuffled from the holding room to the playing area. Beckett felt unexpected anxiety creep into her chest as she suddenly felt like the walls were closing in on her. She was about to turn back when the backlights flickered on illuminating all the color neon strips along the wall and form barriers. It helped ease the pressure in her chest just a fraction as she could now make out her party thanks to their glowing clothes. But there was no way to stop the shiver that ran through her body, finding a home on the back of her neck where the hair was raised to attention. Beckett did have enough control not to yelp when she felt the hand, but couldn't quite halt her instincts and brought her elbow up hard.

Castle, seeming to expect his, gently cupped her arm before it could jam into the underside of his chin. "Hey," His voice was soft and gentle, "you're okay. You're safe?"

Beckett heard Lanie's laughter mix in with Alexis as the two teams divided, waiting for the battle to start. She found Ryan and Esposito taking police tactical position behind two pillars outlines with neon pink strips. They both grinned at her and felt her stomach loosen just a bit. "Right." She did her best to smile at the writer, "Ready to get your ass kicked?"

"By you?" A boyish grin flashed across his face, his teeth glowing thanks to the black light. "Anytime, anywhere detective."

With a loud hiss, smoke began to dispense from the hidden fog machines and music came spilling out of the speaker. A moment later the guns vibrated and the screens in the back zeroed out signaling that start of the game. The writer and detective separated, taking their side of the field and waited.

The officers covered each other, moving with grace as if they were in pursuit of a suspect instead of their friends. The Normies on the other hand moved around the room with no real plan at all. Alexis zipped in between the barriers, Castle was doing barrel rolls that were completely unnecessary as the room was only so big, and Lanie and Jenny were the only two that seemed to be working together as they moved around the room taking shots when they could. It wasn't long before the room was filled with some bad laser sound effects and laughter. It was truly the first time since the shooting that everyone was at ease and not looking over their shoulders.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

They closed down the arcade. After a few rounds of laser tag, the detectives winning two out of the five, they all dispersed throughout the building indulging in playing video games. They all walked away with pockets full of tickets, tokens, and cheap toys. After they all said their goodnights, Castle climbed into the driver seat and was greeted by a smacking kiss on the cheek from Beckett. "What was that for?"

"For being you." For good measure, Beckett gave him another kiss, "We all needed a night just like this."

He beamed when her beautiful lips curved into a breath taking smile. She looked a little pale and tired, but radiating with happiness at the same time. "Any time." He glanced in the review mirror to see Alexis smiling at them, "Anyone up for Ice cream?"

"I don't know if I can stay awake for that," Beckett said between yawns already struggling to keep her eyes open for more than a few seconds, "but I can try." She just didn't want this night to end, didn't want to go back to a nightmare invested sleep.

She was out before Castle even left the parking lot.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

The dream started like every other, she was standing in front of the casket looking over at Castle. The gun shot echoed and she was down, with Castle sprawled on top of her. The wind had been knocked out of her, so it took a moment for the pain to register.

_She was shot._

The pain was unmistakable and unbearable. There was a weight on her chest that was crushing and making her unable to breathe. Beckett tried to push it away, but couldn't seem to get the message to her arms. Then she felt the blood soak through her white cloves turning them crimson and she could already feel the life leaving her body. The pain, it was burning, twisting, sharp, stabbing and like nothing she ever felt before. She couldn't breathe and all she could think of is how she was dying in front of her father, Alexis. In front of Richard Castle the man who had become the center of her whole world without her knowing it.

Castle's face loomed in her graying vision, it was laced with bone deep fear. He was calling for her, pleading for her to hold on, to not let go. She tried to tell him that she's not going anywhere but he's fading from her sight.

_Castle, don't let me go. Please Rick! I love you, Richard Castle. Please don't let me drown. Don't leave me._ Beckett was screaming from the top of her lungs because she needs him. He was the only person who could keep her from destroying herself. The only man who ever understood everything about her. He was her Castle, her protector, her partner, her everything. She should have told him how she felt before this. Should have told him that he had brought the first true peace she felt since her mother's death in her life. Beckett felt the tears burn the back of her throat as all the things she wanted to say slipped from her grasp.

Beckett woke with a gasp with her scar burning with familiar pain as she struggled to level her heart rate. She twisted and began to panic when she found her body confined in the sheets due to her trashing. It wasn't until her hand came in contact with Castle's warm body was she able to stop before she jumped out of the bed. Sighing, Beckett closed her eye to trap the tears that wanted to fall. Just one night, she wanted one night where she didn't wake before four in the morning. The therapist had warned her that nightmares would be common for quite some time and ever since she left the hospital they had visited her every night.

Needing air, Beckett carefully slipped from the bed so she didn't wake Castle. But no sooner had she left the bed did she hear him stir.

"Kate?" Still lingering between sleep and consciousness, Castled reached for her and only came up with the rumbled sheets.

"Go back to sleep." Beckett pushed the writer back down with a soft kiss trying to avoid another pointless argument. Every morning for nearly the past two months, she would wake up around dawn feeling restless and no longer able to sleep. Every time, no matter how hard she tried not to, Beckett would always rouse Castle from his slumber. And then he would always insist he come along and they would argue in hushed tones until she eventually gave in. It wasn't like she didn't enjoy his company, it was she didn't want to disrupt his life any more than she already had.

Castle let himself enjoy the feel of her lips for a few more moments, before drawing away. If he let it go on for too long he knew she would get her way and talk him out of anything. "Just give me a second," he mumbled rolling out of bed for his work- out clothes.

Beckett opened her mouth to protest, but closed it knowing it was completely useless. So, she sat on the edge of the bed to tug on her sneakers and enjoyed the view of Castle's well defined chest. The writer had taken up exercising with her as well as spending time with the boys at the gym. It was doing the man wonders, his waist had trimmed, his stomach had flattened, and his newly hardened muscles rippled against the shirt he was now tugging over his chest. "I was going to try jogging today." The doctor had cleared her for light exercising and the detective was itching to get back into the shape she once was. "Think you can handle that, old man?"

Castle huffed, "I think I can manage."

She knew he could as Ryan had said that he was up to running four miles with them. "Get that fine ass of yours in gear, Castle. I'm going to leave a note for Alexis and Martha." Smiling, Beckett slipped out of the bedroom and into the dim loft as she threw her hair into a messy bun. Using her memory and the lights shining through the window, Beckett fished out a pen and paper from the drawer near the fridge that was overflowing with both. Leaving the note was completely useless as they always made it back before anyone woke.

"Ready?" Snagging his keys, Castle moved soundlessly across the loft causing the detective to jolt. "Come on."

They rode down the elevator in silence, Castle was still trying to wake up and Beckett's mind was still reeling from her dream to hold a conversation. It was too early for the doorman to be on duty, but not too early enough to be greeted with a blast of noise of the city when they slipped out of the building. This city never did sleep.

"Okay." Castle rolled his shoulder in an attempt to shake himself awake. "Don't make me look too bad, please."

"Come on, writer monkey."

They took off east and Beckett was surprised that she had a hard time keeping up with Castle's long stride. She was hoping that by some chance that he would be the one to slow down first, but to her disliking it was she who started to lose stamina as they hit the fifth block. Her first instinct was to push herself then thought better of it and slowed into a walk. "This is so sad." She huffed leaning against a building to catch her breath. Much to her distain, Castle was barely winded.

"Kate, you had a major injury not even three months ago and you spent one of those in a hospital bed," Castle politely pointed out holding out a hand. "Come on, let's watch the sun come up."

There was no stopping a smile from creeping across her face as she took his hand and they walked toward the small playground nearby. It was silly how something as simple as holding hands made her heart beat like a freight train. Maybe it was something Beckett never stopped to notice or maybe there had never been anyone able to invoke the reaction. "I'm sorry I ruined your sleep," the corner of her mouth twitched, "again."

Because he felt like it, Castle twirled her drawing out a surprised laugh from the detective. It was beautiful and completely genuine, a sound that was hard to come by these day. "Don't be. I want to help you and if that means getting my ass out of bed at four am, so be it."

"It's just." Beckett found it hard to look at him, needing the extra moment to collect her scattered thoughts. There was so much that she always wanted to say to him, but never could seem to find the right words. "I hate that I'm disrupting your life so much. You have-."

"Kate."

"Castle just-."

"No." He gently pushed her down on an empty swing and knelt down in front of her. "Listen to me Katherine Beckett. I. LOVE. You." He made sure that he put as much emphasis on each word. "I love you and all I want to do is help you any way I can. If at any point you feel like I'm smothering you, tell me. I'll go away, move across the country, or if you want to move back to the apartment I won't stand in your way. I will do anything if it helps you."

Beckett noted that he didn't call her apartment home and she could no longer see it as that. For her it was just four walls that held some books, pictures and nice furniture. There were no real memories there, nothing there that made her feel safe or whole. Her home was now in the loft she shared with her partner, his daughter, and his mother. A place she knew she could always be able to come to after a long hard day.

"Because I know all this is hard for you," Castle squeezed her hands, "the healing, the not working, or investigating the shooting, any of it. No one is expecting you to wake up one day and be who you used to be. Not me, Alexis, my mother, Lanie, or the boys. So if there is one day you need to yell at me, by all means scream until you have no voice. Do whatever it is you need to so that will help you through another day and know that no matter what I'm going to be here for you. You and me, we jumped in this together. Remember that."

Fighting back tears, Beckett framed his handsome face in her hands. The early morning growth rubbed against her palm sending shivers down her spine. She should have realized that night in the hazmat tent that everything she ever wanted in a man was right in front of her all along. "I love you." It was inadequate to describe what she truly felt for this man who was kneeling in front of her in the middle of a park at five am. "Thank you."

"Never thank me for loving you," Castle reminded leaning forward until their lips met in a soft and sweet kiss. Desire burned and it took all his strength to pull away before he could lose control. "Ever."

Beckett gently brushed her noise against his, "Okay."

Smiling, Castle skidded around Beckett and took hold of the chains and gave her a gently push. He expected her to jump off and tell him he was crazy, but he was met by more carefree laughter and encouragement to push harder.

After indulging in more childishness with the merry go round and slides, the pair stumbled along the sidewalk holding each other up. The street was jammed back with taxis and early morning commuters. Castle glanced up to see the skyline was turning pink as the sun began to peek out from the clouds.

"What are you doing?" Laughing, Beckett found herself getting swept into a dance.

"Everyone should have a dance at twilight," Castle politely pointed out.

"There is no music."

"You've got the music of the city." He was surprised when Beckett's voice cut through the noise of the early morning. He didn't know the song, but lost himself in the flow of her sultry voice just the same. Her voice was soulful, jazzy and smooth like a good class of wine. The song was filled with sadness that dripped from her voice, mirroring the pain and sadness she had gone through the last two months. For just a short time, Beckett bared herself for him because for the first time she was able to express what she was going through when she struggled for so long to explain it in words.

She should feel foolish, dancing to no music at five am on the sidewalk of New York City as twilight said goodnight and the sun was beginning to say good morning. But Beckett felt carefree and truly happy for the first time in ages. Leave it to Castle to bring out the child inside of her when she was sure she lost it the moment the bullet hit her. The detective was beyond grateful that Castle hadn't left her side, for even a moment because she knew if he did she would give into the impulse to dive head first into who shot her. Every time Beckett found herself worked up and needing answers, Castle was there to keep her grounded and from falling head first down the rabbit hole. She would be forever thankful that Castle never gave up and finally tore down the wall she put up around her heart.

"I didn't know you could sing." Castle found his voice thick with emotions.

"I spend many nights in front of my mirror singing to my hair brush." She could tell by the smile that broke out across his face he was using that talented imagination of his to drum up that scenario. "Mom and I used to sing all the time in the kitchen while we cooked. Dad tried to join in, but he couldn't carry a tune." Because mentioning her mother made a twinge of despair start to form, Beckett hooked her arm through Castle's and dragged him down the sidewalk intending to keep the good mood of the morning going. "So I guess Nikki Heat has some hidden talents up her sleeve now."

"Nope," Castle grinned, "I'm keeping this little secret for myself. Maybe one day I'll catch you singing in our kitchen."

Beckett faltered for a moment, but it went unnoticed by the writer. He was always doing that, talking about their lives, their future with marriage, kids, and the whole nine yards. Sometimes he would joke about it and then there were times like this that he was dead serious. A part of her was ready for that, ready to marry, have kids, and build a life with this man. But there was still that other part that was still hesitant, still guarded, because she knew there was a chapter of her life that was still left unfinished. Beckett knew in order to make this work like she wanted to; she was going to have to fully finish that chapter before she could start a new one with Castle and Alexis. Beckett just hoped that Castle meant it when he said always. "Come on Writer Boy I need coffee."

"Man," Castle calmly corrected letting her drag him at a faster pace, "Writer Man!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Shh," Beckett whispered struggling to stifle her own case of the giggles as Castle searched his pockets for his keys. For some reason they felt like teenagers trying to sneak back in unnoticed after sneaking out in the first place. "Castle did you lose the key?"

"No," Castle said defensively as he searched his sweater pocket, "got 'm."

"Okay." Beckett took it upon herself to unlock the door with little to no noise. "You go take a shower and I'll start breakfast before anyone- Alexis?"

Castle's head perked up and he found his daughter already in the kitchen, "Honey what are you doing up at six in the morning on a Sunday?"

The teenager shrugged, "I found your note when I came in and decided maybe we could have an early breakfast."

Beckett placed an arm on Castle's arm to stop him from going to his daughter. He gave her an odd expression and she squeezed his forearm, silently telling him to let her handle this. "Go take a shower." The writer looked torn for a moment before eventually complying and took off up the stairs. "So we doing the works?"

"Yeah," Alexis gave the detective a soft smile, "was going to start on the pancakes next."

"I'll get it." Beckett joined the redhead in the kitchen and began to work. After a few moments of silence, she finally spoke up, "You know I'm a listener to."

Alexis gave a sheepish smile, "And here I was thinking I was doing a good job of hiding it."

"I hate to tell you this, kiddo, but you got your father see through expressions." Beckett reached over to place her hands over Alexis to make her stop and fully look at her. Alexis' eyes were red and tired like she had spent the entire night crying. "Did you have a nightmare?"

"No, I couldn't sleep after I got off the phone with Ashley." Alexis watched Beckett slid into protective mode and it warmed her heart beyond measure that the detective cared so much. "We didn't get into a fight or anything. He called me last night and was all excited because he was moved in to his dorm and started talking about his classes. He said as soon as he gets all his info for his online classes he was going to share it with me so I can see if I like it. I was excited."

"But-."

"But after he hung up I tried to go to bed and I couldn't stop from asking myself if I'm doing the right thing. I mean I love Ashley, I really do and Stanford isn't a bad school." Alexis trailed off with a heavy sigh.

"This is a big decision you have to make and unfortunately your father nor grandmother can help you make it." Beckett could see the struggle that gripped the teenager and wished she had the magical answer for her. "You just have to weigh the pros and cons like I know you do. I mean you only get one senior year of high school and all that comes with it."

Alexis picked at the fruit she had been cutting, "I know and it's not like Ashley is pressuring me or anything. He is determined to make this relationship work no matter what."

"Then do this. Apply to both Stanford and Hudson while you continue to make your list. When it's time to make your choice you'll be ready?"

"You think so?"

"Alexis you're the most responsible and level headed person I know. You don't make any decision without thinking it through. I might suggest with this one you don't let your head do all the talking, listen to what your heart has to say. And always remember," Beckett gently bumped the girl's shoulder, "What ever you decided your father will support you. And if you go to Stanford and realize it's not what you want, you can always come home."

"Will that home include you?" Alexis asked before she could think twice about it. It was clear to her that both her father and Beckett had something real. Something everlasting, Alexis just didn't know where Beckett stood with her feelings.

"I would like to think so."

"Are you going to marry my father?"

"Yes," Beckett answered because she knew that without a shadow of a doubt that Richard Castle was her one and done. Now when was another story. "I'm not saying tomorrow or anything because before I can I need to sort out some stuff with myself. I've got so many walls I need to break down before I can give myself to anyone. I want to be that woman your father deserves because he is the most patient and caring man I've ever met. And there are times that I know he deserves more than me. I'm too damn selfish to let him go because I do love him. This much I know; I just never really loved anyone before so I'm new at it and will make mistakes. That is something I don't want to do when it comes to your father."

"Does he make you happy?"

"Of course he does. He's also been my rock and as cheesy as this sounds come from me and if you repeat it to him I will kill you," Beckett warned but smiled. "He's been my castle through all of this."

"I understand why you're hesitant and I might not like it because I think it will hurt both of you when all I want for you two is to be happy." Alexis held up a hand when Beckett opened her mouth, "But let me just say this one thing okay. You can't let your past keep you from the future you want. I mean I can't even begin to imagine what you went through with your mother or what you are going through now, it's just you keep looking in the past you'll miss what's right in front of you."

Beckett chewed on what Alexis had said and really couldn't say anything for several minutes. The teenager was right of course and proving once again she was wise beyond her age. Beckett just wanted to know how a conversation that started out about Alexis' relationship turned into one about hers. And how in the hell did everyone in this family had the ability to get her to open up about her emotions? "Very well put, Alexis."

Grinning, Alexis went back to work cutting fruit.

Castle slinked back away from the landing of the stairs with information swirling in his head. The first and the most important thing, Beckett wanted to marry him. Second, she didn't think herself good enough for him, something Castle was going to strive to make her see differently. And he couldn't think of anything else at the moment because his mind was still stuck on number one.

"You better get your hammer ready, there kiddo." Martha's voice had the writer jolting in surprise and stifling his yelp so he wouldn't give his position away. "Because you break down those walls."

"I don't plan on letting that stop me." Castle assured.

* * *

><p>So yes? No? Maybe? Please tell me what you think because I'm needy and need to know what you think! :D no pressure or anything.<p> 


	3. The First Crack

I know there are mistakes and I'm working on fixing them and will most likely update this chapter by the end of the day tomorrow. Also my beta was super busy with real life so I'm doing the editing on my own which is never good :P I'm not pleased with this chapter, but if I keep messing with it I'll never publish it so here it is in all of its ugliness! :D read and hopefully you enjoy.

* * *

><p>"Okay now don't release the ball too late." Esposito instructed as he tossed the ball to the writer. They had been at this for the last three days both during lunch breaks and substituting their evening work outs to help him with his game. "Or too early."<p>

"Right." Castle felt foolish as he found his grip on the ball. He was a grown man, damn it, he should know how to throw a stupid baseball. Instead he felt like a four year old while Ryan and Esposito taught him. Setting his jaw, Castle rounded and released the ball just as he fully extended his arm. This time he had only veered off be a few inches instead of a few feet.

"Nice."

"Maybe I won't embarrass myself to bad."

"Don't worry about it. The game is suppose to be fun and after everything the 12th has been through the last three months, it's going to be less of a serious game. Plus it helps that players from both team consider you a brother in arms." Esposito noticed that the revelation took the writer off guard making him miss a ball he should have been able to catch with ease. "Especially after you trying to jump in front of a bullet for her."

Castle's face darkened with the memory of that morning, "Did you guys ever run Montgomery, McAllister, and Raglan financials?" The thought came to him one morning during their work outs. There had to be some type of money trail, especially with the three of them getting fat lumps of sums in ransoms. They were all in the mess together which meant that they were most like to have paid of Beckett's mom's murder with the same stash.

"We did, but we didn't get very far before Gates shut us down and pretty much took everything we had." Esposito jogged over to his duffle bag, "I was able to smuggle this out before she got her hands on it. We can't have it at the station or she's going to launch an investigation into Montgomery. Take them, but keep them away from Beckett."

The writer paled, but knew the reasoning. If Beckett picked even the faint scent of a possible lead she would run without thinking. It pained him to keep anything from her, even it was for her own good. But he made a promise to her father that he was going to do everything in his power to keep Beckett safe.

The detective hating asking that of his friend because he knew if Beckett found out it would destroy what progress they made in their relationship. "At least until you find out more or if she get's released to come back to work next week." Esposito handed Castle the file that contained anything and everything they had accumulated since the shooting.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Are you still having trouble sleeping?"

The question caught Beckett off guard and was forced to tell the truth when she had prepared herself to lie. Their topic of conversation had been light and more formal to evaluate her mental state after the shooting. "Yes." She watched Nathan nod as if wanting to say something, but the therapist kept quiet. For some reason that made Beckett nervous. "I try everything I can think of to do to calm myself before bed. Yoga, meditation and nothing really helps."

Nathan studied the woman's face. The circles had receded over the course of the week since he last saw her. She looked rested, but he could still see the signs in her eyes. Overall the detective looked more radiant, wearing more vibrant colors and taking care to actually straighten her hair instead of throwing it up like she had been doing since they started seeing each other. "I can give you something to help you sleep if you like."

"No." Beckett refused the aid of anything stronger then aspirin. It was stupid, but she seen it to many times with cops trying to come back from an injury and finding themselves hooked on painkillers.

"You like to do things on your term, don't you Detective Beckett."

The corner of her mouth lifted, "I guess you can say that. I just learned after my mother died that I can only seem to count on myself." It pained her to think of that very dark year that followed and was still amazed she was able to pull herself out of the ashes. "All I had was myself. When she died, it destroyed my father and when I needed him the most he lost himself in the bottle. I had no one to lean on, no one to tell me that I would make it through. I just had myself."

"That must have been very tough on you."

"I got through it." Not unscaved of course. Her gaze flickered to her wrist where the scars had long ago faded. She never told anyone, well except for Lanie, about the night that she was too tired to fight the darkness and just let it consume her. The only reason the ME knew was because it was her that found her that night on the bathroom floor. Lanie was still in the beginnings of medical school, but had enough skills to save her life so no one had to know what happened. But it didn't stop her from taking unnecessary risk, daring fate every chance she could get. Weather that was driving her motorcycle to fast, walking down dark allies in the dead of night, or pushing herself until she would collapse from sheer exhaustion.

"How?"

Beckett gave him a puzzled look not sure if he was serious or not. That question was a hard one to answer as she still wasn't sure how she pulled herself through those dark times. She threw herself into her studies and into the quest to find her mother's killer. But when the moment Beckett realized that she was going to make it, she didn't know. "Work, classes, and a few friends."

Nathan noted that she didn't say family. From what he had gather family was something the detective didn't have until she found a home at the homicide division at the 12th. "Have you and your father reconciled?"

"We have. A few years after my mother's death he tried to get sober and we tried to heal together only for him to fall off the wagon. After two years of this we just stopped speaking, but there were many nights of me dragging him out of bars. About six years years ago he showed up on my door steps and asked me to go down to an AA meeting with him. I tried to talk my way out of it, but it was something that he needed me to do." Beckett still felt guilty about that night. When he showed up Beckett had just gotten off a double shift and wanted nothing more to have a nice hot bath. That night had been the first time they had seen or spoken to each other in nearly two years. Of course he had tried to call and sent letters, but she had ignored them all. "I was completely shocked when my father received his two year chip."

"And that was the starting point of healing between the two of you?"

"Yes. It was easy, but we found our footing. We still weren't where we should have been until after-." Beckett trailed off as her tongue grew heavy as the memory of her shooting overwhelmed her.

"It's great to have such a great support system after everything you've been through."

A smile tugged at Beckett's lips, "Yes it is. The boys, Esposito and Ryan, we have always been a tight net group. Have to be when you work so much with each other because if we didn't we'd kill each other." She paused when Nathan laughed, "I just didn't realize how much I depended on them until now. I almost feel like I've taken them for granted. They're not just my brother's in arms, they are truly my brothers."

The doctor was amazed by the emotions that warmed her features as she talked about the male detectives. He simply sat and listened as she told of their first meeting and some of their more humors investigations. It was clear that the detective would bleed for the two men that had became her brothers over the years. That Together they bounded through the tragedy of losing a man that was like their father. And Nathan knew that together they would help Beckett heal. "You seem eager to get back to them."

"I am." Beckett shyly confessed. As much as she loved all this time she was spending with Castle and his family, she was itching to get back to work. To get back to a something that was normal and familiar. "I want to get back to work."

"You think you're ready to take on such an event?" Nathan asked. "Going back won't be easy and there is the new captain to get use to. Not to mention the mental change that has to happen after getting shot. I've never met a cop that could just pick up their shield and piece with complete and utter ease."

This hadn't been far from Beckett's mind since she left the hospital. Things were indeed different and not just because of the new captain. Far too many times she found herself asking if she would ever be ready to strap on her shield again knowing she was putting herself in position to get shot again. A risk that Beckett always knew was there, but now she would never be able to truly be ignorant to it. "I don't know if there is willing any preparing for such a thing. All I can do it hope that I'm ready."

Nathan glanced at his notes for a long moment, "I think that you are, but I would like to ask if you would continue with these sessions. I've had gathered that you're mentally sound to be released back to work. I suggest that maybe you take next week and get away to completely clear your mind. Away from the city and the memories. Then when you get back to work, try easing back into it." A skeptic look crossed his patients face and he tried not to laugh. Taking an easy seemed not to be in Kate Beckett's vocabulary. Nathan handed the detective a sealed envelope that held her release papers.

"Thank you." Beckett slid it into her purse, "And I will like to continue."

Nathan held out a hand, "I hope you have a good weekend and that the blues win of course. Please call me if you need me at any time."

Beckett nodded her thanks again and slid out of the office where again Alexis was waiting with her nose in a book and music blasting in her ears. "Ready there Lex." She called out waving her hand to catch the red heads attention. "Come on your dad should be down stairs by now. Let's hope with no new black eyes."

Castle paused outside the building just as his cell phone came alive with mass texts. Concerned, the writer fished out his cell phone to see three texts from his mother, two from Lanie, and six from Ryan. He opened the ones from Ryan to see they all said the same. _Page six! Dude Beckett is going to kill you!_

Beckett and Alexis chatted mindlessly as they walked down the stairs to the ground floor. It was a great needed distraction for Beckett as it seemed like therapy always dragged up memories she thought she locked away. The teenager noticed, Beckett could see it in the way she looked at her, but understood enough not to ask about it.

They pushed through the stair well door as Castle came barreling through the entrance. "Kate don't-." The writer trailed off once he caught the sign of strain on her face. "Hey, you okay? Did he not release you?"

"No, no. I'm cleared for light duty after a suggested vacation from the city." Beckett tried to just wave it away. She really didn't want to go into anything right now. "What is that?"

He glanced at the paper before begrudgingly handing it over. "Just don't kill me, please. I'm already going to call Paula as soon as I can. I'm-."

"Castle." She spoke in her detective tone shutting him up instantly.

**Has Richard Castle snagged the real life Niki heat?**

Under the head line was a picture of the two of them laughing and dancing on the side walk at dawn.

_Novelist Richard Castle was spotted in the early morning hours with his muse Detective Beckett. Sources caught site of the pair laughing and even sharing a dance just before five am Sunday morning. It has been no secret that the shooting of Detective Beckett shook the authors world. Castle kept a vigil at the detective's bedside nearly every moment she was recovery at the hospital. The novelist hasn't been seen much around town or at the 12__th_Precinct_, a place he had been calling home for the past three years. Rumors had swirled in the past that there might be a romantic relationship between the two, though such rumors have been denied by Richard Castle himself. The question is being brought up again as the writer has been in hiding these last three months. Could he be nursing the Detective back to health? Or can it be chalked up to the writing putting on the finishing touches on the newest Niki Heat novel due out next week? I guess this is just one more mystery for the writer's fans to work out._

Beckett looked up from the paper to see Castle eagerly waiting for her reaction. There was something working across his face and she had a hard time deciphering it. She wasn't upset about the article and expecting something like this to turn up sooner or later. It was something that she accepted that came along with being with Richard Castle famous novelist. "Castle." She smiled as she threw the paper aside and placed a smacking kiss on his lips. "I don't care about this or if the world knows. I love you." His face lit up like a Christmas tree and Beckett found herself a little bit ashamed. Had she done so little to show him how much she did? "It's just Gates-."

"I know I know." Still smiling, Castle understood what she was going to say. If Gates found out that they were together there would be no way in hell she'd even consider letting him back in. "I'll call Paula to get her to release a statement saying we were out for a morning jog or something. We're friends and coworkers there is no law in spending time together."

"At five in the morning?" Alexis asked knowing that no one would believe that. "You're a writer and that is the best thing you can come up with?"

Laughing, Beckett followed the red head out onto the sidewalk leaving the writer gaping at them.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Saturday proved to be a perfect day for some good old fun. The stands were filled with people from both sides sitting mixed as no one wanted to truly be against each other. Both teams lined up on the foul line as the chief of the 12 fire station stood on home plate. There were only a few words spoken, only taking the moment to remembering those that both station had lost over the year. Beckett felt Castle's hand brush over hers silently giving her comfort as they talked about Montgomery. She smiled up at him once again beyond grateful that she had someone to stand with her.

Castle watched her touch a finger to the emblem on her shirt, every cop player had a shield printed with a black strip across it, a remembrance to the fallen captain. He wasn't going to ask if she was okay because it wasn't the place and he knew that today she was doing a little bit better. When he heard let's play ball, he grinned at her and jogged towards the dug out with such eagerness it made her laugh.

Smiling, Beckett entered just in time to see Castle fond over his shirt with a detective from robbery. The man had been beaming over the shirt for two days now ever since Ryan had come over to drop it off. Once he realized that it had his name printed on it he rushed to put it on. She had asked him what caused all the excitement and his answer took her by surprise. The shirt and being on the team made him feel like he was truly part of the team. The department.

The first six innings went by with not too much excitement. Castle managed not to completely make a fool of himself only missing the ball by miles twice and getting hit in the face once. But to cheer him up Ryan pointed out there were much worse players on the firefighter team. Just because they looked like they could move walls didn't mean they could play sports worth a damn. Alexis proved to be one of the best members of the team scoring twice and driving in two runs with her hits.

"Stay still." Beckett warned her partner as she took a moment to examine his now swollen eye. Their team had just ended the first half of the seventh ending and was now suiting up to bat.

"It hurts." The writer whined jerking his head away from her probing finger.

"You're lucky it missed your mouth." Esposito grinned before jogging his way to the plate.

"Go." Castle urged her as Beckett was their third base coach for the day.

Because no one was really paying attention or would say anything, Beckett placed a gentle kiss on his wound. "Better?"

"Much."

Beckett jogged over to the coach's box along the third base foul line just as Esposito took a stance in the batter box. They were down by one and this was their last chance to either pull ahead or tie to go into extra innings. Seeing how Castle and Alexis were up after Esposito Beckett was hoping for a tie.

The male detective connected on the first pitch, sending the ball flying into right field. Always the quick one, Esposito rounded first base and raced the throw into a sliding finish at second. Beckett gave the man two thumbs up as he brushed himself very proudly. Together they turned to cheer on Alexis as she stepped into the batter's box. "That kid of yours." The third basemen spoke causing Beckett attention to shift. He waited for her to correct him and grinned when she didn't. "She's something."

A huge smile crossed her face, "Yeah." Beckett watched as the red head took post in the batter's box. Alexis looked so determined and serious like she was about to tackle a physic problem instead of hitting a smile ball. "Yes she is."

"It's good to see you happy, Beckett."

The comment took the detective by surprise and she looked at him to try to place him. After a few moments Beckett realized that it was the firefighter that Lanie had set her up for what was the most disastrous date of her life. She tried to remember if ever apologized to him for that. "Thanks."

The crack of the bat had them both looking towards home plate just as Alexis sent the ball flying towards deep center field. The stands and the dugout cheered sending out as she took off towards first base. Beckett waved in Esposito who rounded third base with complete ease as the ball was thrown from the outfield. Alexis hit second base and showed no signs of wanting to stop, so Beckett waved her arms encouraging her to put some speed in her steps. The second base man turned with ball in hand just as Alexis rounded third base. It was a dead race between ball and human to home base.

Beckett as well as well as the entire team held their breath waiting for the dust to settle from Alexis sliding finish. The umpire spring from his crouching position and held out his arms, "Safe!"

With that one word the bench of cops emptied and spilled out onto the field to celebrate. Ryan and Esposito were the first to reach her and lifted her up in to their shoulders to dance around the cheering group. The firefighters joined in and Beckett caught the catcher by the shoulder and whispered a thank you. The man simply smiled before joining in the celebration. Today there was no blue or reds, just simply people enjoying a nice game of baseball. Now next year the gloves would be off.

After the celebration ended and the equipment was squared away, the group disbursed to the picnic area to start the cook out. Still beaming, Alexis dropped down onto the blanket her grandmother had laid out. "What a game!"

"What a great hit, kiddo." Martha dropped a kiss on the girl's head.

"Next year you will be giving Katie a run for her money." Jim smiled passing her a sandwich.

"We shall see about that." Beckett grumbled once again making plans for the future without realizing it.

"I'm going to drop this off at the car." Castle pointed to the duffle bag and equipment, "Don't eat all the food while I'm gone."

"Dad." Beckett helped herself to the slice fruit that he offered, "my therapist suggests that get away from the city for a few days before I go back to work."

Jim's brow shot up in wonder, "And you're actually going to take this very sound advice."

Beckett made a face, one she use to when she was a child. "I am. After all I have all you mother hens breathing down my neck to ease into this and I'm going to do it. I thought maybe you and I can spend some time up at your cabin."

Jim was elated by the offer and accepted with a simple smile.

0o0o0o0o0o0o00

"Mr. Castle."

Surprised to hear his voice, the writer whirled around to find a sharply dressed older man lingering in between two cars. He caught on quickly that this man was doing everything he could not to be seen by anyone but him. That made the warning bells in Castle's head sound off immediately and he found his fingers inching towards the bat he just placed in the car. "Can I help you?"

"There is no need for that, Mr. Castle, I assure you my intentions for this meeting is friendly."

The corner of his mouth lifted, "That's what the villain usually says in the book before bullets start flying. So if you don't mind." He gripped the bat and kept it close to his side. "Who are you?"

"A friend."

"A friend?" Castle let out a huffing laugh, "And what do you want, friend?"

"To give a friendly message that's all about your lovely detective."

Castle's heart sank at the mention of Beckett and it became clear that this had to do with her mother's case. "If you're here to hurt her, think again. You guys have done more than enough to her. Trying to kill her wasn't enough? You here to finish the job?"

"If I had known about Roy believe me I would have been the only person to stop that from happening. I'm on your side here, Mr. Castle. Detective Beckett's safety is a great interest to me as is protecting Roy's family. " The mystery man moved to stand next to writer making sure that he was still away from prying eyes. "It was the only reason why Roy never went to the brass about what happened in the alley. He knew that once he did then the same people who killed Johanna would come after his family and Beckett. He battered his silence for their safety."

"Which I'm taking voided once he was killed." Castle finally released his death grip on the bat. It all made sense now to why Montgomery would have swept this all under the rug. When he realized that Captain had been involved in this cover up it took him by completely surprise as Montgomery had always been one for justice. One to make sure that they protected the innocent from the ugliness of the evil deeds of others.

"Yes but Roy had insurance to make sure that it didn't happen. He sent me a packet of information, information that can hurt a lot of people. Powerful kind."

The same packet that must have ended up in Agent Shaw's hands as well. Castle thought it best to leave that little bit to himself, "So Beckett is safe now?"

The man nodded, "But only on one condition."

Castle knew he wasn't going to like what was about to come next, "That is?"

"She steps away and leaves this case alone. No more poking or investigating. As long as the people involved thinks she's given up will she truly be safe. These people have ears everywhere and if they hear that she's investigating they'll make sure the finish the job. Roy sent this to me as well." The man retrieved a sealed envelope from his pocket showing the writer his name printed on the outside. "It was clear by the letter he sent to me that you care about her and you'd be the only one able to stop her from looking. If you love her then you'll tell her to step away."

He made it sound so easy when it was anything but. Castle looked down at the letter in his hand and prayed for the strength to be able to do this. Telling her wasn't even an option, Beckett would just see it as fuel to keep going. "All right."

"Castle." Beckett's voice came from between some cars parked a ways down and the man gave Castle one last nod and disappeared.

Castle hastily shoved the note into his pocket just in time to greet her, "Hey."

"Hey yourself." Just because it was the first time they had been alone, Beckett rose on her toes to give him a smacking kiss. "We were starting to think the trunk of your car was Narnia or something."

"Ran into a fan." He could tell that she wasn't all to convince by that and had to think fast to make her stop from pushing him further. Lying to Beckett wasn't one of his best qualities. "Maybe I just wanted to get you alone so I can do this."

Gathering her close, he fastened his mouth over hers before she could speak. Castle felt her resist knowing that this was an obvious ploy, but soon he felt her give as her mouth moved greedily under his. Something that he had learned over the months was that he had the ability to disarm her with a simple kiss. A great way to win arguments or distract from a touchy subject, just too bad he wouldn't be able to use it once at the station. Keeping their relationship quite was for the best now seeing how Gates would use that for keeping him bared out. "We should get back." Castle drew away pleased they were both breathless. "Before anyone else decides to come look for me."

Beckett dug her fingers into his shoulder in order to gather her emotions that spun out of control the moment his lips touched hers. "Right."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Upon returning back to the loft, Castle locked himself in his office once he heard the shower running knowing Beckett would be at least twenty minutes. He opened the letter carefully and making sure one last time he was alone, unfolded the paper.

_Rick,_

_If you got this letter then by now you know everything. All I can say is that I'm sorry and know that one mistake has haunted me every day. There isn't a night I didn't dream about the sins that happened because of it. I spent every day of my career and life trying to atone for it. I now know that I don't think I'll ever find it as I am writing this to you as I prepare myself for what might be the last night of my life. It's either mine or hers and I will not let Kate die for my sins, not like her mother. It is for her I've done everything I have because she's like a daughter to me. I found her when she was barely holding together and I took her under my wing because I wanted to make sure that she had someone she knew she could count on. Looks like I blew that one as I know when the truth comes out it is going to rip her apart. I know you will be there to put the pieces back together; you were always the one who could. It's why I kept you around even when she begged me to make you go. She didn't know it then, but were good for her. Kate was never one to have any fun, especially on the job, but that all changed. I watched the two of you and know you're in love. Please, Rick, don't let her slip through your fingers. I've never seen her so happy around any man, not even that doctor of hers, like she is with you. It's clear as day that she loves you and deep down she knows you're good for her. Don't push it off for another day or the right moment because you might miss out._

_And with that I'm asking you to do something I know you won't like, but it's in Kate's best interest. I sent two packets one to my friend that will insure Beckett's safety and one to Agent Shaw. I sent instruction to her not to open an official channels and to give you it whenever you get this letter. Inside you will have all the puzzle pieces you need to find the person at the heart of this all. I know you can do it because you've got a cops mind and above that I trust you. There are too many dirty cops on the payrolls that will snatch this up the moment they catch wind. So use your mind, Castle, use the resources you have and nail this bastard. For all those lives that he has ruined and mostly Beckett. I know I'm asking a lot of you, but we both know what she'll do if she gets her hands on this information. I will not let her throw her life away. Protect her at all cost as I know you will. Use your judgment when to tell her and I know she'll be pissed, but know that in time she will forgive you. I think it's impossible for her to stay mad at you. I noticed that when she intentionally lost the bet to you last year so you'd come back to work. _

_Take care of our girl, son. Tell me wife and kids why when my sins come to light. Tell them I loved them and I had no choice. Tell Kate I'm sorry for betraying her. Tell the boys to stand strong. Take care of them family because the three of them will need you when this is over. And maybe one day you all will be able to see past this one mistake and find forgiveness though I'm sure I don't deserve it. _

_Roy_

Castle carefully folded the letter and placed it back in its home. What the fuck did he do now? The question made his heart heavy as he processed everything that had happened today. Jim and now Roy trusted him to keep Beckett out of this. Lying to her was the last thing he wanted to do, he just didn't have any other choice. Castle rubbed his tired face as he slid the letter into his desk trying to figure out how the hell he was going to do this. He couldn't lie to her and be in a relationship with her, it just wasn't right. Yet he would never be able to end this not after working so hard to get where they were. But how he could he keep preaching about trusting him to let her within her walls when he would be lying to her?

"Hey." Beckett's voice had him whirling around so fast that the chair toppled over. Trying not to laugh, she rushed over to help him to his feet. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah." Castle dust himself off pulling off one of his charming smiles that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Still think some of that curse is still around."

"Right."

"Did I ever tell you how fetching you are in one of my shirt?" He held her out at arms length to take in her appearance. Her hair was still damp and thrown into a messy bun. She was wearing one of his old button downs and shirts that left most of her very beautiful legs exposed.

"Keep your mind clear writer monkey." She snapped her fingers to bring his gaze back to her face, "I'm about to have a movie night with today's MVP and wondered if you wanted to join us seeing how you guys won't have me for a week."

He groaned at that. It was going to be weird without having the detective around for an entire week. "Don't remind me."

"Going to miss me there Ricky?"

"You have no idea."

"Sorry." She gave him a friendly kiss, "It's about time my dad and I spend some time together and since Alexis is starting school next week you two need to spend some alone time together as well. So you in?

His mind went to Roy's letter and shook his head, "I have to run down to the Old Haunt for a bit. They're having some issues I need to clear up. But if you two are up when I get back I'll join." He catches something in her eyes, but didn't have the time to dischper it as the detective was always brilliant at schooling his features. When he opened his mouth to ask about it he felt her fingers brush against her skin. Her fingers trail along his ear, tucking a stray piece of his ear, before leaving a trail of fire down the side of his neck. When her warm palm rubbed the stubbles on his cheek, Castle found himself closing his eyes with a low sigh. Any thoughts of being noble dissolved right then and there because there was no way he would be able to live without this. "I love you Kate Beckett."

Her lips curved into a mega watt smile, "Love you too Rick Castle."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"You know you owe me for this Castle." It was about nine o'clock by the time Jordan Shaw entered the office at the Old Haunt. "I was in the middle of my kid's bed time story."

"I would have asked you if it wasn't important." Castle made sure that the door was locked before taking the brief case Shaw had. His stomach was in notes, but he pushed through and opened it.

"I know." Shaw frowned at the obvious turmoil that the writer was in. "You're seriously not going to tell her about this?"

"I can't. You don't understand how she gets. If she knew about this." He waved his hand at the packet of evidence before him. "She would run blindly and get herself killed."

"And what if this gets you killed?" Shaw asked knowing that Castle hadn't stop to think about that possibility. "She already is drowning in guilt over Roy losing you will completely break her."

He shook his head against her words, refusing to listen to anything that sounded like reason. "She's strong."

Shaw rolled her eyes when she wanted to bash the man over his head. She had only been around the writer and detective a couple of days and knew without a shadow of a doubt that the two needed each other. And knew that if one lost the other that person would cease to exist. "I went to one of my superiors and put in a request to look into Roy's death, but I got side lined pretty quickly. This is some serious stuff, Rick. You better be careful."

"I plan on it." Castle was already spreading out the contents of the packet to put on his make shift murder board. It would take him a few days to memorize everything to find the right place to start. "I've got to finish this Jordan. For her and for me. I opened this can of worms so I'm sure in the hell going to close it."

There was talking him out of it even if she wanted to so she just conceded, "Let me know if there is anything I can do. Unofficially of course."

"Thank you."

The agent touched his shoulder, "Take care of her."

"I will."

O00o00o0o0o0o0o0o

Castle was out much longer than he anticipated. By the time he walked through the front door it was after one am. He had lost track of time as he went through every piece of the packet carefully. He took noted on everything and had a list of things he needed to do once the sun came up. Roy hadn't been nice enough to just give the name up, but Castle had a few ideas to where everything was pointing to. What he needed now was hard evidence and it was going to take time and money to get it. Castle had plenty of the later, but the first might not be in his favor. The longer this was prolonged, the better chance that Beckett was either going to discover his secret or take matters into her own hands.

Everything clouding his head went out the window at the scene that greeted him in the living room. There was a low glow from the TV illuminating to room to see the occupants that were passed out on the floor. Judging by the cushions scattered all around the floor, the two had built a fort that at one point been destroyed. It warmed his heart beyond measure to see both of them together like this. To know that Alexis loved Beckett just as much as he did. He was inclined to leave them be and just go to sleep, but he didn't want to miss out on a rare opportunity to carry his daughter to bed. Something he hadn't done in nearly three years and if she was about to head off to California he better get his chance when he could.

Alexis stirred, but didn't wake as Castle gently picked her up from her resting place. A smile crossed his face when she snuggled into his chest like she use to when she was young. Even though it was completely selfish, a great part of him hoped that she didn't get into Stanford as he was not ready to let her go. In fact he wasn't sure he would ever be ready. Sighing, he gently tucked her in and dropped a linger kiss on the girl's forehead.

Beckett on the other hand awoke nearly instantly when Castle swept her up. "Hey there handsome." She whispered with a sleepy smile. "What time is it?"

"Late." He supplied started towards the bedroom, "Sorry I lose track of time. Looks like you two had a blast."

"She's a good kid." Already going under, Beckett pillowed her head on his shoulder, "hopefully we will have one like her and then the rest like you. Can't have all perfect kids, y'know."

Castle nearly stumbled at her words and felt the guilt start to weigh down on him. It was quite possible that future wouldn't be in the cards for them once this was all through. For now, he would just hope, "That sounds perfect."

* * *

><p>yes? no? may? Hate it? loved it? Let me know whatca think!<p> 


	4. The First Fight

Okay not a 100% sold on how this chapter came up but If i keep picking at it I will never finish... So no beat so there will be mistakes sorry :(. Also want to thank everyone who has added this story to their favorites/alerts.

* * *

><p>Excited about seeing Beckett for the first time in a week, Castle barreled through the front door dropping bags carelessly on his truck inside. "Kate?" It didn't even bother him that his voice was flooded with longing because it was something that was new to him and he loved it. Looking back he never could say that he ever longed like this to see Gina, Meredith or even Kyra.<p>

"_A whole week?" Castle echoed for the tenth time as he watched Beckett pack. It seemed his mine had been too preoccupied by the meeting with the mysterious man that he hadn't heard her fully. They had spent the last three months spending almost every day together, he wasn't sure he could survive a week without her. _

"_Yes Mr. Writer man. A. Week." Beckett made sure that she spaced out each word so there was no way he couldn't have understood. "It's about time that I spend some time with my father. We have a lot of things to talk about and it's time to start healing. Getting back to what we were before-."_

_Castle moved to wrap his arms around her, bringing her back until she was flush against his chest. "I know, baby." He kissed her temple and heart her breath catch. It took all his will power to just leave it at that. Waiting for Kate Beckett to scale her walls was one of the hardest things he had to do. But she was more than worth it. "It going to be quiet without you."_

"_So go to the Hamptons." The detective suggested. "It's yours and Alexis' tradition to spend the last week of summer vacation up there. So go, soak up the sun, and be with your daughter."_

"Kate?" Dropping what was left of the bags onto the kitchen counter, Castle moved towards the office to see if Beckett was in the bedroom. When he pushed opened the door he found Beckett standing behind his desk holding a file looking like an angry snake waiting to strike. "Beckett?"

"How could you, Castle?" Her voice was just above a whisper as she threw down the file spilling its contents out on the desk for him to see.

The writer didn't need to look at it to know that Beckett had found the file that Espositio had given him. He cursed himself as he thought he had brought everything down to the Old Haunt. "Kate let me explain."

"No." Whatever his reasons, Beckett didn't want to hear them. She rounded the corner of the desk so they stood toe to toe. "Because nothing you can say will justify you keeping things from me involving my mother's case."

"I didn't." Castle shouted cutting her off, "Well not really because I didn't find anything new. Espositio gave me the files because he didn't want Gates finding them. He gave me a few leads because he knew I had outside connections that were under the radar. And I found NOTHING!"

Beckett shoved a finger hard at his chest, "The point is you have been looking at this behind my back. So much for partners." She watched the hurt cross his face, but she didn't care. What she wanted to do right now was hurt him any way she could, so that Castle could feel what she was going through at the moment. "What did you think I wasn't strong enough? I'm not one of your flimsy ex-wives, Rick. I don't need protecting from this."

Heat flared in the writer's eyes as his voice rose to match the volume of her. "No? Look at you, Kate. One little bread crumb and you ready to go kicking down doors. All you want is answers and you're going to get yourself killed. This goes so deep and you're not looking at the risk. I'm protecting you from yourself because wither you like it or not, you have people who love and care about you. Who want to help you."

"I don't need your protection or help." Beckett shoved past him. No there wasn't nothing she wanted from this man. Not his protection, help, or love.

Castle caught her arm, a bit too roughly, before she could get to the door. "To fucking bad. I watched you die in the ambulance, did you know that?" he watched shock penetrate the anger on her face. Watched as emotions flooded her eyes as she worked her jaw trying to form some type of response. Castle didn't leave her enough time, "Do you know what that is like? Watching the life drain out of someone you love? So if protecting you pisses you off, to damn bad. I will do this all over again because I have your father's voice in my head begging me to keep you safe." He pointed to the kitchen, "he sat right here two days before you were shot asking me to keep you safe from yourself. So I'm sorry I kept things from you and it hurt you, but I don't care as long as it keeps you safe."

Beckett wrenched her arms free, winching as his grip bruised her skin, and pull the front door open. "Well I guess if that's how you feel, I'm not sure we can be together."

Her words stunned him so much he found himself incapable of stopping her from storming out of the loft. The woman he just saw was such a stark contrast from the one he had been living with for the last three months. In truth keeping things wasn't the best thing for her, but damn it to hell he didn't want to get her hopes up. Castle didn't want to bring back to life that woman he saw when she slammed Victor against that two way mirror near a year ago.

"Richard." Martha's voice startled the writer out of his trance, "What happened?"

"I don't know." Castle honestly answered. This was their first couple's fight, so he wasn't sure if she truly meant what she said. None the less it didn't lessen the blow of it.

"Don't just stand there." She commanded from the landing of the store, ""Go after her and fix this."

Castle looked up at her almost helplessly, "I don't know if I can." Or that he should. This was just something small that he had been keeping from her. Did he have a right to go after her and fix this when it was going to happen all over again once she learned of his set up at the Old Haunt?

"Go."

Heading his mother's advice, castle took off down the stairs hopping to catch her in the lobby. He veered towards the back entrance since it's how she came and went to avoid any reports that might be about. "Kate." He stepped outside to see the street empty with no trace of the detective.

0o0o0o0o0o0

By the time Beckett reached her destination, she had cooled off enough to realize the weight of the words she had spoken. She should have climbed back in to the cab to take her back, instead she just found herself in front of Lanie's door. Lanie was always good at telling her what to do even if she didn't want to hear it.

The ME answered after two knocks and knew with in an instant something was wrong. "What's wrong?" Lanie asked ushering her friend inside.

"I need a drink." Was Beckett's only reply as she dropped herself onto the couch. Something big and strong to help her forget what just happened.

"First tell me what happened."

"Castle and I got into a fight. Like a real one, not our usual banter."

Lanie raised a brow, "Over what?"

'He's been looking into my mother's case without telling me. After Gates kicked him out, Espositio gave him the files that had been looking into so that she wouldn't find them." Beckett's gaze shot to Lanie to notice that the ME wasn't surprised by any of it. A new wave of betrayal ripped through her, "You knew?"

"Javi asked me what he should do. Tell you or give it to castle." Lanie didn't want to lie, seeing how there was nothing to gain by it. She just needed to make the detective see that she hadn't done any of this to hurt her. Only protect. "I said give it to Castle."

Beckett gripped the arm of the couch to keep her from springing to her feet. A fire was beginning to brew in her as she geared up for another battle. "Lanie how could you?"

"How could I? Look at yourself Kate." Lanie gestured to her pale appearance and blood shot eyes. "You would take any info and run. You always put blinders on when it comes to your mother."

"You know how important this is to me." Beckett pointed out. Lanie had been with her almost every step of the way. "More than anyone."

'Which is why I don't want to see you lose yourself again." If she did, Lanie wasn't sure if she would be able to pull her friend back from the edge. Finding her all those years to go bleeding to death about ripped her heart out.

Beckett's hot gaze narrowed, "That's not your call to make."

"I won't watch as you get yourself killed.' Lanie reared back ready to fight. "Twice! Twice now I've watched this quest of yours nearly take you away. And the last time-" The memory took hold of Lanie making her reach out to steady herself. Emotions flooded her voice when she found it again, "I felt the life slip out of you, Kate. Castle and I watched you die. There was so much blood and there was nothing I could do. Do you have any idea what that is like?"

Beckett remained silent as she chewed on the question for the second time in the last hour.

Lanie moved to sit in front of Beckett, "You are the closest thing I have to a sister and I watched you slip away from me."

"Lanie I-." Beckett flattered not having the words to finish her thoughts. There was no way she could even begin to understand what she put her best friend through. Or her father. Or Castle. Thinking of the writer, Beckett dropped her face in her hands. He was right, they all were, for keeping this from her. It was just every time something related to the case came across every ounce of control she thought she managed over the years went out the window. Beckett believed herself to be strong willed and level headed, except for this one thing. "I'm so sorry." Tears rolled down her face as she reached for her friend's hands. "I've been chasing this for so long I can't let it go. I've tried, but I can't."

"No one is asking you to." Lanie promised, "This is important to all of us now. So we're going to do this, we just don't want to lose you over it. And to be clear, Castle was against keeping this from you knowing what it would do to you if you found out. He was just trying to do the best thing for you."

And why couldn't Beckett ever see that? Why was it her first instinct to push Castle away? Was it because she would have to admit that she wasn't strong enough? That she had to admit her weakness aloud. "I screwed up Lanie." Big time. Castle had been nothing but supportive over the last three months. Helping her recover both mentally and physically and she just threw ugly words in his face. Castle deserved more and better.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Jim's place was the first place castle tried to look for Beckett. The older man wasn't answering his phone, which lead the writer to believe he was doing it at Beckett's request. Castle realized when Jim greeted with him a puzzled look, he had miscalculated. "Have you talked to, Kate?"

"Not since I dropped her off at the loft." Jim answered concern creasing his face, "why what is it?"

Castle's phone buzzed and he glanced at the text from Lanie _I got her and trying to calm her down. For the record I'm on your side on this one. _He sighed, "Do you have time to talk?"

"Sure." Jim stepped aside to let the writer in. "What is going on?"

Castle figured it would be good to start from the beginning so he could get Jim's advice on the situation. "At the softball game when I went out to the car a man approached me. Just that he's a friend of Montgomery's. Said he owed Montgomery his life. Apparently Montgomery sent him some files, files that if they ever got out, could hurt some very powerful people. They were using those files as a threat to keep Montgomery's family from ever being harmed. Beckett's safety was also part of the deal."

The older man's brow furrowed, "But they went after her anyways, that doesn't make sense."

"Only because he didn't get the files until after she was shot." Castle forced a hand through his hair, "She's safe now, but only on one condition. That she doesn't go after the case. If she does he can't guarantee her safety." His voice trembled with pure fear, "If she digs, they'll kill her."

The same fear went through Jim as he processed this information, "Do you believe this man?"

"I do." Castle began to pace, "And I can't tell her because if I do we both know what she is going to do. She's going to want to pursue this with no mind to what will happen to her. I can't let that happen."

"You and I both know that she won't stop. She promised me that she won't lose herself, but once she gets a trace of new information she won't stop from digging. Especially when she goes back to work."

"That's why I've been doing my hardest to distract. It's been working for the most part." Or at least he hoped he was going a good job. "But he never said I couldn't look into it."

"Rick-."

"It's important to her. Hell it's important to me now because I'm involved." Castle reminded. "I asked Agent Shaw to send me a copy of everything from the packet she received and I put it with everything that Beckett and I've uncovered in the last three years. I've got it all set up at the Old Haunt. I've hired private investigators and using some of my contacts that I've made writing my books. Whatever money can move, I'm throwing all I have at it."

Jim tried to piece together everything, "So Katie found out then?"

"No." Castle finally stopped his pacing and dropped himself into a chair next to Jim. He didn't need to bend any truths on what the file was since the man had been filled in on everything since Beckett was shot. "She found a file that Esposito gave me to get out of the office so Gates wouldn't find it. He also wanted me to keep it from Beckett because it's new information that hit a dead end, but we all knew she would take it and run. I didn't think much of it because it wasn't really anything to new and she found it."

"She does seem to put on blinders, even with people she loves."

"I was only doing it to protect her, that's what we were all doing. She might not think she needs it, but she does. Beckett-." The writer's throat tightened as her words echoed in her head. Now that time had passed, Castle knew that Beckett wouldn't really act on her words. But hearing them still cut him off at the knees. "If that is how she reacts with a little news god only knows what she'll do if she finds out I'm doing this on my own."

Jim was silent for a moment before speaking, "She's going to kill you."

"Well she can't kill me if she's dead." Castle knew the risk and accepted them because there was no life without Kate Beckett in it.

Jim stared at him processing what the writer was telling him. This man was willing to risk Beckett never speaking to him again just to keep her safe. It was a devotion that Jim had never seen before, a devotion that he himself would have given to Johanna if given the chance. If he had any lingering doubts about Castle being good enough for his daughter they were now out the window. "What do you want from me?" He softly asked, "You want me to tell you that I'm okay with you lying to my daughter to save her life? Because I am, Rick. And the fact that you're doing it shows me just how much you love her."

Castle shoved a hand through his hair, "I can't see any future without her, even if it's just to be apart. As long as I know that she's safe and alive some where I'll be alright. If I lose her-." Emotions clogged his throat as he tried to picture a world without her. It was too unbearable to imagine. "If this goes wrong and she finds out just tell her why."

Jim touched a hand to Castle's shoulder, "I will."

0o0o0o0o0o

"You know you can't hide out here all day, right?"

Lanie's voice had Beckett's head snapping up ready to defend herself before she realized that was exactly had been doing for the greater part of the morning. She never thought she would ever see the day where she was afraid to walking into the bullpen. "I know." Beckett breathed looking at the necklace in her hand.

Lanie looked up from her reports to look at the detective who was sitting on am empty autopsy table looking so lost. It was something Lanie had witnessed maybe twice in the course of their friendship. "You still have a week or two of disability, you can wait till then." _Until you worked things out with Castle. _Lanie silently added careful not to actually let it slip. She tried to bring up the writer when they got ready for work this morning, but Beckett deflected and changed the subject.

"No." Beckett hopped off the table. She had to do this today, on her own. Almost to prove to herself that she wasn't as damaged as she thought herself to be. "I'll go up."

Lanie met her at the door with her coat and bag, "I'll be down here all day if you need an escape."

"Thanks Lanie."

Stepping out into the hall, Beckett took a moment to pause and check her reflection in a nearby window. She hoped that she at least appeared confident because she felt like anything but. The fight with Castle had been so unexpected and emotional draining pretty much destroying the preparation she had done with her father the week at the cabin. The detective rolled her mother's ring between her fingers hoping to draw strength from it. Since the moment she woke up, Beckett had been struggling with the battle even going as far as hiding in the morgue with Lanie desperately trying to find solid ground. For the first time, since her rookie years, Beckett was nervous about walking through the office.

Damn it she needed Castle. The writer had been such a constant over the last three months with his unfailing father in her, that now without him she felt lost. Beckett knew she depended on him before the shooting, but now it was much deeper. Maybe that was the true reason she fought her feelings for him for such a long time. He had become such an important part of her, she didn't want to take the risk of maybe screwing it up and losing it. Sighing, the detective slipped on her dark coat and straightened her spine. The coat was like a cloak of deception, giving her the appearance of strength and authority. Underneath, Kate Beckett was nothing but.

The ride up from the morgue was quiet and thankfully uninterrupted. She really didn't want to actually see a familiar face until she was up stairs where hopefully she might feel a bit grounded. Even though she knew that wasn't going to happen once she caught site of Castle's chair being empty. The moment Beckett stepped off the elevator she was assaulted by memories of the days before her shooting. Of Montgomery and the boys. And of course her countless hours building theories with Castle. With one last look at her mother's ring, she slipped around the corner and entered the bull pen where everyone stopped and began too appalled. Beckett smiled as she made her way to her desk where Ryan and Esposito waited for her with smiles of their own.

"Welcome back." They boy said moving aside to let her settle in.

She went to sit, but stopped herself when she noticed something was in her chair. A teddy bear dressed in close eerie similar to ones she owned with a little police badge was occupying her seat. Amused, Beckett caught site of another on in what was Castle's chair and found it dressed identical to the writer. "You guys miss us that much."

"It's been to quite without mom and dad fighting." Ryan smirked after exchanging a quick hug with the female detective. "Great to have you back, Boss."

"It's good to be back." Because she couldn't avoid it anymore, Beckett finally settled her gaze on the Captain's office. There was no way to stop the pain from flooding her chest when she saw Gates sitting in Montgomery's chair.

"Look Beckett we're sorry about-."

She turned and silenced their apology with a smile, "You guys were looking out for me." To know they cared meant a lot to her as there was nothing she wouldn't do for the two men standing in front of her. "But if you guys feel bad, you will pull the fire inspector's file for me."

Esposito opened his mouth to protest, but promptly shut it because he knew if one of them didn't do it for her Beckett would take matters into her own hands. "As long as you promise to just look at it and there is nothing you leave it alone."

"Deal." Beckett agreed fishing out her release papers hoping she had prepared herself enough for the meeting with Gates. Ryan and Esposito had done a fine job on briefing her over the last few weeks. Ryan was scared shitless of the woman enough to warn her that if they tried to go against her it would be their badges, not just their heads. "I guess I can't put this off for forever."

"Good Luck." The boys chimed as she walked towards the captain's office.

With her hand on the knob, Beckett took a deep breath to settle her nerves before pushing through. The first thing that hit her was how much the office had changed. She could feel the wall of ice radiating from the woman behind the desk. The room no longer felt comfortable. In fact it felt like the walls were closing in on her as she approached, "Ma'am."

The dark skinned woman behind the desk looked up from her files with a pair of glasses resting on the bridge of her nose. "If my mother drops by you can call her ma'am." She simply stated ice dripping from her voice making Beckett suppress the urge to shiver. "Call me sir or captain."

Beckett placed her release papers on what once was Montgomery's desk. "Detective Beckett, back on to active duty, as of today."

Gates slipped the glasses from her face, "Detective Beckett. Your reputation precedes you. Youngest Woman in the NYPD to make detective." For a moment the older woman looked almost pleased by that accomplishment before she finished her thought, "You beat me by six weeks."

Feeling like a bug under a microscope, Beckett shifted her weight uncomfortably from foot to foot. "I didn't realize that people kept score." a

"Everyone keeps score, Detective. Especially those downtown." Gates informed carefully reading over the papers handed to her. "Looks like you're good to go. Welcome back." There wasn't much cheer in Gate's voice as she turned around to fish out Beckett's badge.

Beckett's chest tightened as Gates held out her shield and for a split second she didn't want to take it. There was so much blackness that came with it and she wasn't sure if she was strong enough to clip it to her just yet. But here was Gates, a woman she hated only on principal because she wasn't Montgomery, challenging her. The detective took it, the simple badge felt like a heavy weight in her hands. "Thank you, but I also need my gun back."

Gates shook her head, "not until you re-qualify."

Beckett's brow rose, "Excuse me?"

"You were on disability for nearly three months. Regs say you don't get your gun back until you re-qualify."

Something about the way the woman spoke about regs made Beckett want to rear back and fight. "And what about my case?" The question caught the captain by surprise and Beckett was pleased by that. "What does the regs say about that?"

"Three months with no leads and every day more homicides coming through the door." Gates informed, "How long did you expect me to let those folks thread water? There were good people on this case, there just isn't anything out there."

Beckett refused to believe that because she knew that there was more out there. "With all due respect sir." There was no way she was ever going to call this woman captain. "But those people aren't me."

The corner of Gate's mouth lifted in amusement, "Excuse me?"

"The people you had on the case. They weren't me."

Gates pushed away from her desk, "Look I don't know what kind of ship Montgomery was running here but it'll be a cold day in hell when I let a cop, any cop, investigate their own shooting. My prescient is no place for vendettas."

"Or for dilettante writer playing cop." Beckett wasn't going to bring up Castle just yet but the words came tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop herself. They were already off on the wrong foot, might as well just hash it all out right here and now to see if she still had a job.

"Ah yes, Mr. Castle, your shadow."

"He's a good member of our team." Beckett tried to explain but Gate's cut her off.

"What he is, is just some rich guy trying to get his rocks off by playing cops. He's a gander and a liability." The comment struck a nerve with the detective and before she had a chance to defend him, the older woman trucked on. ''Why are you so adamant about his return?" Gates asked brow raised. While awaiting the answer, the captain dug under a file and dropped paper on top showing the article that ran nearly two weeks ago. "Because the writer is-."

Of all things Beckett prepared herself for, this wasn't one of them, but she showed no signs of wavering. "I wouldn't believe everything that is on the paper. Especially on page six, sir." The detective made sure that she added a little snark on the last work. In hindsight it wasn't the best way to talk to her new boss. "Our names have been linked together since our partnership began. And that's why I'm adamant because Castle is my partner. He has save my life and the members of this team countless times. Since he came on, our closure rate has improved as well as moral. He might not be a cop, be he has the mind and drive as one."

'"Then he should have become one instead of a writer." Gates held up a hand silencing any other arguments from the detective. "That's the end of it, Beckett. I have no patients for a grown man playing cops and robbers. Now get settled in, a body dropped. I understand if you want to stay to ease into things."

Beckett worked her jaw choosing her words very carefully as there were so many swirling in her head. Not all of them polite. "Thank you, sir."

"Dismissed."

Beckett did an about face and stalked back into the bullpen where Ryan and Espositio where waiting eagerly. ".." she grounded out each word separately trying to put a cap on her anger and displeasure from her first meeting with Gate.

"You just need to re-cert and you'll get it." Esposito smiled when she glared at him.

"Careful bro." Ryan warned, "She might turn it on you."

"We got a body, you coming?"

"No." Her answer took them by surprise. "I'm going to ease into this today. I don't know if I can handle in jumping head first.' There was no need to explain herself since they understood the most as they have been with her every step of the way these last three months. "Plus there is something I need to do today."

The boys didn't need her to tell them that it involved Castle. They simply nodded and promised to keep her in the loop.

It felt oddly strange, yet felt like coming home as she slid in behind her desk. The view hadn't changed much, though she noted that they got a computer upgrade and a few new chair. But everything else was the same and same to her meant normal. Well not everything was the same. Sighing, Beckett looked to Castle's chair that held both bears. She hadn't been able to sleep and wouldn't in the future until she talked things through with Castle. With a glance at Gates then her father's watch, Beckett had two hours to figure out what she would say to the writer at his book signing.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Book signings were something that Castle enjoyed because it gave him an opportunity to interact with his fans. He was really trying to be upbeat and Paula had threatened him with bodily harm if he didn't stop brooding and wear a damn smile. Forcing a smile was hard especially since he couldn't stop thinking about the woman who inspired the book he was signing. He tried calling after he left Jim's house every hour on the hour and even started driving towards Lanie's place. But the ME told him it might be better for them both if they just took the night to cool off. As much as Castle didn't like this arrangement, he agreed because he knew one thing about Kate Beckett and that was she didn't like to be pushed.

So after another threat from Paula, Castle straightened in his chair and forced on a smile for his fans sake and tried not to think about how Beckett was handling her first day back.

Beckett lingered by the door of the bookshop waiting for the line to go down. Once again, she nervously ran the new Niki Heat book through her hands as she tried to figure out what she was going to say to him. I'm sorry just didn't seem like to cover what she said to him last night. Though Beckett was still upset about being kept in the dark about anything pertaining to her mother's case, she understood their reasoning and was beyond moved by their want to protect her. Because she would have liked to think she could have handle the news reasonably, Beckett knew she would have taken it and run into traffic like she always did.

Hearing Castle's laugh caused the detective's attention shift to inside. It was strained though she was sure no one else but she noticed. Beckett's heart ached knowing that she was the reason behind it. She wondered if he looked as tired as he sounded. Sighing, Beckett fished out a pen from her purse, quickly jotted something on to the title page, and then slipped inside. As the detective approached closer to the table she could also tell the writer hadn't slept and judging by the way that his publicist was poking at him, he was starting to let it show. Too soon it was her turn to hand over her book and struggled to find her voice when Castle asked who to make it out to. "Kate." His head jerked up at the sound of her voice. Shock was soon replaced with utter joy at seeing her. "You can make it out to Kate."

A smile split his face as he flipped opened the book to oblige only to stop when he realized she had written something on the title page. Beckett had scribed her name beneath his along with the word always reminding Castle of something a young couple would carve into a tree. He wrote two words to accompany what the detective's, signed it, and then handed it back to her closed. "Always." He echoed and knew even though they had to talk about things they were going to be okay.

Beckett jerked her head towards the right, "I'll be over there. Come find me when you're done." She instructed and took off towards the deserted section. After winding down a few aisles, Beckett sat on the floor with her back against one of the shelves and cracked opened the book. It was a tradition she fell into from the many times she would rush to buy one of the Derrick Storm novels and then find a nice quiet spot in the store to read the first few chapters. Instead of rushing straight to the first chapter, Beckett ran her fingertip almost lovingly over the title page. _Richard Castle and Kate Beckett, From Apples to Always. _A huge smile broke across her face even though it was possibly the cheesiest thing she'd ever seen.

"I was afraid I'd never get to see that again." Castle spoke as he settled down beside her.

"I'm sorry." She looked up from the page wishing she had better words. "You were right. I forget that sometimes you know me better then I know myself."

"I just didn't want to do anything to derail your recovery. You have come such a long way and you still have miles to go, I just wanted to protect you in the only way I could. I know in keeping that from you I broke your trust not just as your friend, but partner and I am sorry. Just know that if I did find something useful I would have told you."

"I know." She reached for his hand, "My first instinct is to get answers and I just need to remind myself not to get carried away."

Castle gently cupped the side of her face in his hand, "I promise you that together we will end this."

Beckett leaned into his touch, savoring it for all it was worth. "I keep pushing you away and I'm trying not to. It's something I've done all my life and I can't seem to get my mind to talk to my heart when it counts. The things I said-."

He silenced her with a kiss, "Push all you want, Kate Beckett but I'm not going anywhere. There isn't where you can run where I won't follow. I was out the door chasing you down once the shock wore of, but you had disappeared so quickly. I'll fight for you." There was such intensity in his voice that had her eyes burning with tears. "Always."

She didn't deserve this, this faithfulness and devotion. Beckett knew that she sure in the hell didn't deserve Richard Castle. If she wasn't so selfish, the detective would walk away and let Castle find the woman he deserved. But she was selfish and needed Castle more then she could put into words. Beckett needed to get to the place where she could express it, right now she was stuck behind the damn walls. "Gates won't let you back in." Beckett frowned as she told him about her morning meeting with the Captain. "I don't think the picture in the paper helped at all."

He gave her one of his signature smiles, "You have such little faith in me, Detective Beckett."

"Just promise me that you won't keep anything from me again."

Castle prayed his years of playing poker worked as he sealed the promise with a kiss because he didn't trust his voice at the moment.

0O0O0O0O0O

The next morning Beckett had the pleasure of standing next to Castle as Gates stammered her way through her phone call with the mayor. Leave it to the writer to go over the woman's head and pull rank. It wasn't going to win any points with Gates or land them on her good side, but Beckett found she didn't care. Castle was her partner and she was going to fight until his ass was in the chair beside their desk and trading wild CIA theories over coffee.

Castle glanced at her, his eyes shining with triumph, causing Beckett to sink her teeth into her lip to keep herself from smiling. The nine year old was coming out to play and the detective was tickled by it.

"I understand. Yes, sir." The snapping of the phone had both of them snapping their attention forward and Beckett slinked back just a step. Gates had been frazzled by the phone call and wore a killing look for the writer. "You think you're clever, Mr. Castle, going around my back like that. Well let me tell you the score. I don't care how powerful your friends are. You screw up on my watch and I'll prosecute you to the full extent of the law. You understand me?"

Beckett smiled with glee at having her partner back and Castle fights a grin at the news, "Yes ma'am."

"Sir." Gates corrected.

"Sir."

"Now get out of my office."

Dismissed, the writer all but skipped from the room with a gleam in his eyes as he looked at Beckett. The detective bit her lip as she watched the man go. She couldn't help but take a pause and watched the nine year old on a sugar rush slip out of the office and reunite with the boys. _There goes my future husband and father of my children._The thoughts ran through her head so quickly that she felt her heart shutter at that future.

"And Detective."

Beckett schooled her features and looked back to the captain, "yes."

"If you and that pal there." Gates gesture to the writer through the window, "Embarrass me again, I will bury you!"

"Yes, sir. Now if you don't mind-" Beckett finally approached the desk and all but slammed her target from this morning shooting range session on to Gates' desk. That was their first stop this morning, the fun range. She hadn't asked Castle to come, but of course she did because he knew before she did that she was going to need him. And boy did she. Beckett remembered the feelings stirred that morning when she picked up the gun and was deathly afraid they were going to overtake her. When she was at wits end and ready to give up, she simply looked over at Castle who wore protective eye and ear gear with a goofy grin on his face. With that one look, Beckett found her ground and strength she needed to get through the storm. "I would like my gun back."

Gates took her time to slip her glasses before carefully unfolding the target to examine it. Once realizing that the detective had hit every round through the number ten ring, she couldn't help but look at Beckett impressed. "Here you go." Gates fished the holstered gun from her desk drawer and laid it upon the target.

Beckett was well aware that Gates was watching her like a hawk and she rose to the challenge. Pushing away everything the gun brought up, Beckett straightened her spine and snatched it from the desk. "Thank you." And with that the detective took her leave before her voice or body betrayed her. This morning had been the first time she had handled a weapon and she could say that she didn't like the feelings it provoked. Holding the heavy metal, knowing the pain a single round could cause, had Beckett trembling with uncertainty of her ability to do her job. The thing that caught her through was Castle's presence as he silently gave her all the support that she needed to pull herself together and nail her target.

Castle greeted her with a wild smile, "So whatca think?"

"Showing her up with the Mayor?" There was a smile in her voice as she clipped the holster to her belt, "Might as well have beaten a beehive with a bat."

"It worked didn't it? Besides-." His face was dancing with boundless humor as they crossed the office together to the murder board. "It was great getting her face to twitch like that!"

Still pleased with the morning events, Beckett looked at the board that Ryan was in the middle of assembling. "Sonya Gilbert?" She asked scanning the pictures of yesterday's crime scene.

"Right." Ryan confirmed stepping away to let them see the full picture. "Yep. Guns, drugs, and love gone wrong."

"What about the boyfriend? Did you find anything?"

"APB's out, but he hasn't been home and none of his band mates know where he is." Ryan informed.

Castle tilted his head taking in the board, "What was his motive?"

The Irish detective just shrugged, "The usual. He and the vic had been fighting. He was in love, she wanted out."

Beckett glanced at the writer, "I'm going to go make some coffee. Want some Castle?"

"I already br- I umm sure." Castle caught the smile on Ryan's face as he fell in step behind Beckett to the break room. He tried to replay the last twenty four hours and see what he might have done wrong, but came up empty. They had done a lot of talking maybe some crying, nothing to warrant any anger from her. Was she still secretly angry? The question crossed his mind as he stepped into the break room to have Beckett close it very quickly. A smile crossed his face as his mind put the pieces together, "Why Detective Beckett I think I'm rubbing off on you. Stealing away for a make out-."

"In your dreams Castle."

"In my dream-."

"Castle."

"Yes."

"Shut up just for a second." Beckett, after a quick glance to make sure no one was around, rose on her toes to press a hard smacking kiss to the writer's mouth. Thank you was on the tip of her tongue, but knew better than to say it.

"I hope we're not interrupting."

Ryan's voice had the pair breaking away like kids caught by their parents.

Esposito walked in while Ryan took post near the door to keep an eye out for Gates, "I pulled the records from the file. Check out the date." He offered them to file to look over themselves ignoring the heat glare what passed over Castle's face.

Beckett's head snapped up, "The warehouse burned down three weeks after my mother's death. "

"That is not a coincidence." Ryan added.

"Looks like someone is destroy evidence." Castle spoke as his eyes scanned the report, "Evidence that could lead to your mother's killer. Only it was ruled an accident and there is nothing that suggest arson."

"Maybe it was altered." Esposito offered. "Wouldn't be the first time in the history of this case."

"Well there is an easy way to find out." Castle pointed at the file, "Just as the man who wrote the report."

"Unless they got to him to." Something that wouldn't surprise Beckett at all.

"He is still alive-."

"Ryan! Espositio!" Gate's voice boomed throughout the office causing Beckett and Castle to flatten themselves against the wall as if to hide from her.

The partners rushed out of the break room before the captain came looking this way. "Sorry." Ryan apologized, "was getting coffee."

"Saddle up. We just got a hit on the APD on the lower east side." Gates looked behind the two men where she knew a certain detective was, "You too, Beckett."

Cursing, Beckett shoved the file at Castle, "Hide this."

Castle shoved the file between his belt and made sure his jacket was securely in place to hide it before following.

* * *

><p>ummm well whatca think? I kind of stole the apples to always from tumblr not sure where it originated so I can't give credit. Some of this was a bit cheesy and maybe a little Out of character, but this has turned into a slight AU fic as I will talk about cases we've seen, I won't really be going that route. umm so good?Bad?Ugly? Let me know constructive critisim is most welcome<p> 


	5. The Wall Comes Crumbling Down

This is really really bad! I wrote both sections separate then tried to tie them together and its just horrible but here it is! The ending came out of no where I know. Just go with it and hopefully I don't lose to many readers.

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><p>"I'm glad to see you back, detective." Nathan spoke as he led her into the office.<p>

"Bet most cops don't come back after being cleared." Beckett wasn't sure that she was going to herself at first. But after a few cases under her belt and a couple tense moments with Castle she knew that this was the right step to take.

"So it's been a little over a month since you've been back on the force." Nathan sat across from the detective offering her a cup of coffee. "A high profile killing, a super hero, and a murder without a body."

A small smile tugged at her lips, "I've been told I'm the one who likes the weird ones."

"Why is that?"

"Makes me think. I want to know the who, how, when and why. The plane Jane shot Bill of another Jane is just too easy."

"I see that you like a challenge. Let's talk about your first case back. Was it hard to adjusting back?"

Beckett thought back to holding her gun for the first time at the shooting range. Then having to use it for the first time to possibly protect herself and remembered the paralyzing fear that shot through her. Remember, no matter how hard she tried not to, the flash of coldness that she knew by experience was accompanied by death. The gun had been raised at her chest, pointed to finish her off this time. "I froze." Her voice trembled and Nathan sat back and waited for her to continue. "We were chasing a suspect and he pulled a gun and I completely froze. I've never known fear like that in my entire life. It's different now that I know. I mean before strapping on my piece and rushing on the street didn't feel like a gamble."

"Most cops who have been wounded on the job do find it difficult. They say ignorance is bliss on the real dangers of the job."

_They got that one right_. "I pushed it off because it's what I have always known to do." Thus starting the first line of tension between her and Castle. Not only was she trying to find her foot back at work, but always was trying to find a groove with working with Castle now they had put on their cards on the table. "But it happened again when we had the suspect cornered and this time he was on the edge."

Nathan shifted in his chair, "Put here you are, so you got through it. How."

"Castle." She answered the question without hesitation. _Take an easy, Kate. _ Castle's voice echoed in her voice as the image came back to her. At least this time she had found the strength to draw her weapon this time around though it didn't do much good at first. Beckett's flight or fight instinct was telling her to get the hell out of there, but she knew she couldn't. It was the moment to prove to herself that she could do this job again. _Take an easy. You got this. You got this. _"Always Castle."

"You love him very much." It wasn't really a question. Nathan knew from the way she spoke with a gleam in her eye that her unconventional partner was more than just that. He always held off on asking because he wanted Castle to be brought up on Beckett's terms. It was nice to see all her emotions out on her face instead of behind that wall of hers.

"I do." Beckett let out a soft laugh, "I really do. Crazy to think that the moment I met him I wanted him out of my life as quickly as possible. Now there is no way I can't see it without him."

"You've given up a lot on this path you've chosen and you still are. You are still holding back when it comes to your relationship with Castle." Nathan watched the detective's eyes shift towards the window giving him his answer. "How long have you two been together?"

Beckett rubbed her temple, "four-five months."

"And you've yet to let him see behind your walls. You two haven't made love have you." Beckett shifted as she became uncomfortable by the quest, but Nathan pressed on. "Why is that? Why are you hiding from the man who loves you?"

"I'm afraid."

"Of what?"

"That he won't like what he sees. That whatever inspired him to write Niki Heat will be lost and he'll be repulsed. I don't know how to be anything then what I am."

"Is he asking more of you?"

"Of course not." Beckett pushed to her feet needing to pace, "I don't know how to be more than a broken woman needing to solve her mother's case. I want-."

"What?" Nathan tried to drag the answer out of her. "Kate there is more to you then your mother's murder. You need to see that." He watched her shoulders hunch as if they were bearing a great weight.

"I love my mother-."

"Giving this quest up doesn't mean you don't, Kate."

She ran her hands through her hair, "I'm just so tired of carrying this weight around. Tired of this obsession that has kept me hidden behind a wall and keeping me from things I want."

"And what is it you want?"

"I want." Beckett paused to look at him with tears shinning in her eyes, "I want to be happy. I want to find out who I am without this. I want to stop hiding and just simply live. I want to be with Castle, I've loved him for so long but denied myself that happiness."

"Why?"

"Because I'm afraid if I experience true happiness it's going to get ripped away from me. I can't go back into the darkness because I won't be able to come out."

"Why can't you just let go?"

"Because-." Beckett leaned against the wall giving her a moment to keep her emotions in check. "I can't give myself completely to a person because there is a part of me missing. A part of me that died the day Officer Raglen showed up on my door step. That night shattered so much. That night I lost both parents and I was propelled into a world that wasn't what I imagined for myself. I was driven by this need for closure."

Nathan held up a hand to stop her train of thought, "But didn't you tell me that before Rickard Castle started poking in on your mother's case you had made a little peace? Kate what you need to know is that you are so much more than your mother's murder. I know you say that you're missing a part of you, but can you honestly look at me and tell me that there is nothing that has made you feel even a little bit complete? That you haven't found that piece of the puzzle you've been searching for in the person who wanted your mother dead?"

Letting Nathan's word sink in, Beckett leaned back for the first time in the session. Her thoughts went back to that first year after her mother's death where she was dragging her father out of a bar every morning at 2am. Things were falling apart every time she turned around all while she was going through the academy. She was drowning in her grief as well as her fathers and she needed an outlook and she could find it in only one place. In the world of Derek Storm, in the word that had been penned by Richard Castle. The same man that was helping keep her head a float through the waves of turmoil. He was her best friend, partner, and the first person Beckett could ever remember truly loving with all of her heart. She hadn't expected it, when they first met the detective found him to be annoying and a nine year old on a sugar rush. But as the days turned into weeks she found a new side of Castle that found herself enjoying being around. As those weeks turned into months, Beckett found her best friend. Now with those months turning into years, she had found the one man she wanted a life with. He had been that missing puzzle piece before she even truly met him.

He could see the gears working in her head and her heart as they battled each other. "Kate, you deserve to be happy. You're mother wouldn't want you to miss out on life to bring her justice." Nathan could feel the detective mentally roll her eyes and he tried not to smile. "It's very cliché I know. The truth of it is you nearly died Kate. That should just tell you how fragile life is, especially with a job like yours. Now I'm not telling you to go out there and start jumping of cliffs for trills or run off to get married and start popping out babies. Just maybe you should step behind your walls and see what's been waiting there for you. Baby steps, that's all I'm asking you to do. You have a lot going on in your life as you're returning to work and a normal life again, so just take it slow."

"Not sure that word is in my vocabulary."

"Well then put it in there. Kate you don't need to hide anymore because you're not alone and you haven't been for a very long time." Nathan reached for her hand, "All this time you've been looking to find a family after yours shattered and you've had it all along. Now it's time for you to take down the walls and open yourself up to them fully. Whatever you fear they will do, it's not going to happen. They love you."

0o0o0o0o0o0

Castle brought out one of the last boxes from the bedroom and placed it near the door. They had two nice stacks going, one to be moved his loft and the other to go into storage. He had been more than thrilled when she told him that she wanted to officially move in as it was the step towards a future he wanted for so long, but it caught him by surprise. He had been the one bringing it up over the last few weeks only to have her wave it off. Whatever had been discussed with her therapist must have stirred something inside her to prompt such a change of heart.

"What about-." He glanced around for Beckett to find her not perched on the living room for like he left her, but on her stair bookshelf looking out the window. "Hey, you okay?"

Beckett shifting her gaze when Castle moved to stand in front of her, "I just keep thinking about the way I froze. How I would have again if you weren't there."

"It was a natural response." Castle tried to explain for the about the hundredth time since the incident. She tried to put up a good front, like it was no big deal, only he could see just how much it got to her. It made her question her ability to do her job. Made her question herself. He had hoped as the days moved on and they picked up different cases she would let this drop.

"But I'm part of a team." Beckett pointed out, "And that team depends on me. If I am not up to par then someone can get hurt. You could have gotten hurt, Castle. I think maybe you should stop shadowing-."

"You and I both know that's not going to happen. We're partners and partners stick together through thick and thin. What kind would I be if I just jump ship when you needed me?" Their hands sought each other and linked. "You've only been back a month, Kate. You don't need to push yourself because the only one who is expecting the impossible is you. Just keep fighting to get there and I'll fight to be by your side through it wither you like it or not. I know you'll find your groove eventually. He had already seen a little bit of the creep out when she made the cheesy observation about a killer hiding place. Castle wish he had the magic words to tell her what she wanted to hear and actually mean it. "And I'm going to be there for you to lean on, yell at, or hit. If you haven't figured it out by now, Kate Beckett, I'm not going anywhere."

"I know." She softly whispered.

"I wish you'd believe it. I wish you'd let me hammer down this wall that you've put up." He lovingly took her face in his hands as he settled between her legs. For nearly four years now he had stuck by through thick and thin, through relationship after relationship, waiting patiently for her to realize what she wanted was in front of her the entire time. He was still not above waiting until she took down the wall herself, but Castle wanted her to see that he wasn't going anywhere. "Trust me when I say that I won't hurt you. Even the brave need to depend on someone. Let me be that person for you, Kate."

Beckett closed her eyes savoring both his touch and words. Out of any man who had ever said that, Castle would be the only one she believed. It was just about damn time she trusted herself and him. "I want to show you something." After easing herself away from him, Beckett started rooting through the bookshelf she had been in the process of packing.

"If it's that you're a mega fan, your secret is out." Castle smirked as he began to thumb through the spines of the books with his name on it. His heart warmed when he found all three Niki Heat books nestled in with his earlier works as well as the Derek Storm Graphic novel. "You're missing some. Am I to assume you were not a fan of those books?"

"I lost some in the explosion."

"You should have told me, I could have either Paula or myself replace them."

"It's okay. I like going to random used bookstores and see if I can find them. It's my own personal treasure hunt." Beckett smiled as she drew the book she was looking for off the shelf. The book was well loved, the jacket was tattered and there was a permanent crease in the spine of the book from many read through. After one more moment of consideration, she handed him the book. "Just a little bit after my mom died and my father lost himself in the bottle I tried to commit suicide." The admission had the writer's head jerk up with surprising speed. Concern was etched on ever carves of his face. "I didn't have anyone to help me and I felt like I was drowning. Lanie found me, she is the only person who knows this, and has barley left my side since. But it didn't make me stop taking completely unnecessary risk on and off the job. I threw myself into the academy, working, and loveless relationships because I still felt like I was drowning."

'What about Royce-."

A sad smile crossed her face at the man's name, "He was more like fuel to the fire that I didn't really need. He understood my passion and unlike everyone else, supported me to go after it with everything I had." She covered his hands that held the book, "It was you that made me feel like I had my feet on solid ground for the first time in twelve years."

The writer was rendered speechless.

"First I found solace in your words." She tap the cover of the book, "My mother and I read your books so it made me feel close to her when I read your books. It was the only time I could get the world to be quite."

Castle eased open the cover to find a note in his script on the front. _To the extordinary woman with sad eyes. Here is to the fates in hopes we meet again_. Tucked in the flap of the jacket was a fading Polaroid of a young version of them, both smile and looking awe struck. He tried to search the banks of his memory for this night, only to come up empty. "I wish I could say that I remember this."

"I doubt you could with Alexis running around and your mother desperately trying to catch her."

"That I remember." The memory made him smile, "It was the only time I brought Alexis to a signing because it was right after coming back from California that I didn't have time to drop her off."

"What I am trying to say Richard Castle is that you make me feel safe. It was your words before I met you and your words that helped bring me out of the darkness. And if it wasn't for you I don't know if I'd been able to stay afloat these past three years. Let alone the past five months." Whatever else she was going to say was muffled as Castle's mouth slammed down to hers. The force of it had her stumbling until her back was against the book shelf. Beckett found herself grateful for the extra support as the way Castle was kissing her, her legs were sure to give out. Clinging to him, she moved her mouth frantically under his memorizing his taste and the texture to make sure she never forgot how it felt.

"Kate." Castle fought himself to keep his hands on her face. He shouldn't be doing this! His mind was telling him to stop. That this wasn't right because of the secret he held, but his heart was leading him astray. He loved her, god he loved her, and had waited for this ingle moment for so long. Plus it was incredibly hard to think straight when her fingers were already working on the buttons of his shirt. "Are you sure?"

"I think we've both waited long enough, Castle. I'm done hiding behind my walls." A huge grin broke out across his handsome face and there was no way of stopping the one of her own. Their lips met with such a force that she stumbled back knocking over the pile of boxes that held their take out. Stumbling, they rebounded, bounced off the wall and landed with a loud thud on the hallways floor just outside her bedroom. For the first time in a very long time laughter rang out in her apartment as she squirmed beneath him, "Maybe we can try wrestling another time my body might not be ready for that just yet."

Laughing, Castle pushed to his feet and without giving her time to brace herself hauled her over his shoulder in a fireman's hold. The squeal of laughter was music to the writer's ears, "But this would possibly be the only time I would win."

"Castle put me down!" Beckett tried to push her hair out of her eyes to see in case she had to warn him of oncoming walls. However she pictured their first time to together, laughing and being carried like a sack of potatoes wasn't how she imagined. In fact this image, this happiness, was far better then she could ever imagine. "Castle I mean it-."

"Your wish is my command."

Beckett clamped onto his neck when she realized that he was about to toss her onto the bed, "Don't you dare." But it was too late, she was already launching towards the bed. The detective let out an oof as landed sideways on the bed laughing uncontrollably. God she was so happy. She couldn't remember the last time that she laughed like this or had this much fun in the bedroom. Beckett eyed the writer as he cocked his head to the side considering, "Castle don't! Castle!"

Grinning like the eight years old he was, Castle jumped onto the bed his laughter joining hers when he hit the bed with enough force to bounce her in the air. Beckett hooked her legs around his waist rolled until he was on his back. She bit back a groan when she felt his arousal pressing in to her. "Thank you." She whispered as her laughter quieted.

With his hair mused and his face flush, Castle lifted his head to grin at her, "Aren't you suppose to wait until afterwards to tell me that."

"Don't ruin the moment."

He sobered his features, "Right sorry. Go ahead."

Beckett released the last two buttons of his shirt and ran her hands over his hard chest drawing a deep groan from the man beneath her. "It seems like we've waited a lifetime to get here."

"Worth it to me." Castle watched her smile and fell in love with her all over again as she blushed.

"You don't think we wasted too much time?"

"Any time I spend with you could never be a waste." Castle shifted until he was sitting, "I think the time was well spent building something that will last."

"Such a romantic."

"You love all this mushy stuff, admit it." Castle reached for the hem of her shirt and felt her freeze. "Kate."

The scars were something she had never let him see, well not up close anyways. With a deep breath, Beckett drew the shirt over her head but never returned her gaze to his. She was terrified of what she would find there.

"Look at me." His voice was thick with desire. "Kate look at me."

After a couple breathes she complied. Beckett couldn't help but blush when she found him staring at her with such intensity. It wasn't disgust or pity in his blue eyes, but love, admiration, and indescribable desire. All for her and just like that the one last brick of her wall fell as they went spinning off into the madness.

0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0o

"You're glowing."

The sudden sound of Lanie's voice had Beckett's shooting up, "What?"

The ME grinned as she sat in Castle's chair, "Come on Kate you're nearly blinding me here. I don't think that is from just moving some boxes."

The detective fought a smile, "Shut up."

Lanie leaned in closer so no one would overhear, "So how was it."

"Lanie." Beckett said in warning not wanting to discuss her sex life in the middle of the station.

"Don't Lanie me girl I've been waiting for this moment for nearly four years. If it was left up to me I would have locked you two in a room a long time ago."

Beckett was just about to cave when she caught site of the read head, "Alexis?"

The teenager approached the detective's desk with apprehension, "Am I interrupting."

"No." Beckett saw her escape and took it, "Dr. Parish was just leaving."

Lanie made a face at her friend then vacated her chair, "Come see me at lunch or I will hunt you down." And with that the ME took off towards the elevator.

Beckett watched the Alexis shift her weight from foot to foot obviously stalling. "I think we've got some hot chocolate in the break room. Want some?"

"Sure." Alexis agreed following.

The silence lasted for a few minutes while Beckett worked on making two hot chocolates, "Okay Alexis what is it? You're never this quite."

Alexis dropped herself heavily onto the couch, "I didn't get in."

The moment she heard the tears, Beckett abandoned her task and crossed the room, "I'm sorry." With getting back into the swing of things at work she had forgotten all about the arrival of acceptance letters. "I know it was your first choice, but that doesn't mean-."

"It means I'm a failure."

Beckett took the teenager by the shoulder, "Alexis Rodgers you are not a failure."

"I didn't get in. I have everything I needed, I've studied every day of my life so I can go to the school of my choice and it wasn't enough."

"It was more than enough. You just started your senior year; you're trying to grow up to fast, honey."

"I feel like a failure."

"Rejection isn't failure. Failure is giving up." Beckett gently wiped the lone tear from Alexis' face, "So don't give up. You can reapply once the end of the school year gets closer or you can choose another school. Just don't let this make you feel like you've failed."

"But Ashley-."

"If he loves you then he'll wait for you to finish high school. If he loves you then he would want you to experience everything that goes along with it. Not pressure you into doing something you've doubted." Ever since the shooting Alexis had been going back and forth on everything to early graduation and leaving the state for college. "You need to make sure what you're choosing isn't for anyone but yourself."

"I know. I guess hearing it from Dad is different because I know he rather I stay in state."

"He does, but he just wants the best for you and so do I."

Alexis beamed at the detective, "Thanks Kate."

Beckett matched the smile with her own, "Anytime."

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><p>God do I talk about that damn wall a lot! sorry :( Told you it was bad but I have to get this filler in before I get to the good stuff as I know how to start and end the story it was the in between I'm having a hard time with. I'm doing a time jump next chapter so sorry in advance. Hopefully some one out there is still reading this...<p> 


	6. Destroying Everything

**_Okay so I'm not good at a lot of fluff and filler stuff so there is a time jump. I know it makes the story a bit choppy or rushed, but I have little scenes but can't get them to connect so I'm going to just jump into the other end of the story which is the big reveal and the take down. It's short, sorry and again no beta so sorry for my mistakes. Umm anyways enjoy and thanks for all those who have added this story or any of mine to their alerts or favorites. Also apparently I suck at conflict so the reveal scene came out really crappy! _**

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><p>Castle shoved the last piece of paper into the packet with a heavy heart. He didn't want to do this, but it was time that he told Beckett. The writer just couldn't carry the burden around anymore. For the last six months the weight became heavier and heavier by the day, making it damn right unbearable. It was his own fault, he shouldn't have let it go on this long. Things had been so perfect that it was so hard for him to gather the courage to break the news that would destroy everything.<p>

_God damn it!_ Silently cursing, Castle dropped his head into his hands wanting to tear his hair out. There was no way to stop the memories from flooding his voice. The impromptu laser tag sessions with Beckett against the Castles that lasted well into the early morning hours. The long conversations they had about nothing on the couch. The laughter and love making. It was fun, tremendous, passionate, and intense and like nothing he ever felt before. There was such a glow about her afterwards that he laid awake, his body still humming from pleasure and happiness, and fought the nagging guilt that ate at him for keeping such a secret. Here Beckett was healing and building a life with him and his family and he let it go on knowing that it was build on top of secrets that would shatter everything.

He didn't want to do this. Didn't want to give up the life he had known for the last six months, he thought he would be able to do this. Now Castle knew how foolish it was to think he would be okay not being with Beckett as long as she was safe and sound. He wanted Beckett in his life until the end of time, but knew that in a few hours that wasn't going to happen. She was going to be hurt. No hurt wasn't even the right word. Beckett was going to feel betrayed and it was the last thing he wanted. She had been betrayed by nearly everyone that mattered in her life, Castle always wanted to remain off that list.

Well there was no turning back anyways seeing how he met with Gates about his new findings the night before. At first he thought the Captain was going to bar his from the station, but she had been impressed by two things. The balls to go behind Beckett's back and how his investigation had lead to a string of some very important people. Castle tried to leave Montgomery out of it the best he could, but eventually he had to spill some of the dark secrets of the man's past. Gates had been a bit pissed about the news and the fact it had been hidden from her by her team. He tried to assure her that the information hadn't been held out of spite and that he was actually going against the group by speaking out. Castle also pointed out that if he didn't trust her completely he would never come to her in the first place. It was strange how close they all had become with Gates just in under a year.

Sighing, Castle glanced at the large packet having a hard time believing that a it's been nearly a year since Beckett was shot. So much heart ache and tears along with smiles and laughter at filled it, each moment engraved into the writer's mind as he knew it was all he was going to have when this was all over.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Dad?" Beckett shook off the rain as she let herself into her father's house. She was surprised when Castle was the one who greeted her. "Hey what are you doing here?"

Castle shifted his weight from foot to foot trying to buy time, "I needed to see you."

The detective caught the edge of desperation in his voice and had her on full alert. Her mind ran through every worst case scenario hoping that none of them were true because they were her worst nightmares. "Why? What happened?" She found herself crossing the room in two huge strides, "Is Alexis okay? My-."

"Everyone is fine." Castle assured but his grim expression didn't ease and neither did hers.

"That wasn't very reassuring, Rick."

"I know. Just sit please." Everything he did to prepare himself for this moment went out the window, "You're not going to like what I'm about to tell you, but promise me you'll let me get it all out." He took her silence as acceptance and it made Castle wonder what was going through her mind at the moment. Sighing, he sat down next to her on the couch and pulled the packed off the coffee table, "This is everything you need to bring down the men who had your mother killed."

Her eyes rounded with shock as his words sunk in. She looked like she was going to get sick. Her hands where clasped so tightly together her knuckles were turning white.

"A man approached me that day in the park with a warning. He said that if you investigated any further into your mother's death or your shooting, they would kill you. He didn't tell me who they were, but noted that they were some powerful men who wanted their dirty secret kept hidden. Roy had mailed him a packet of evidence the day he died to insure your safety because with Roy gone your safety was compromised. Your life was part of what ever deal Roy made with these men for his silence. He loved you like a daughter and had to live with the guilt every time he saw you that he was responsible for taking your mother away from you."

Something crossed the detective's face but Castle couldn't read it, "Jordan Shaw got that same package hoping that maybe the FBI might have better luck then the NYPD only she got shut down every time she tried to push a lead." Castle dropped his gaze to the thick packet in his hands unable to meet her gaze anymore. It was full of disbelieve, sorrow, and hatred. Hatred for him. "I had to keep it from you because I knew you'd go trying taking down these people without being ready and they'd kill you. I couldn't risk losing you again-."

"Castle-." There was so much heat in her voice as she spoke his name.

The writer held up a hand to silence her, "I nearly had to face a world without you Kate. I couldn't go through that again so I hid it from you and worked on it myself. I threw money to make walls move when they wouldn't for the authorities. I worked every angle I could and the road it let me too is a dangerous one. If I'm right then we're going to be knocking on doors of some pretty powerful people. I knew if this had gotten to you first that you would have run off and gotten yourself killed."

"There was a letter from Roy pleading with me to keep you out of this, to keep you safe where he couldn't. He trusted me to do that." He gathered the courage to look up at her and it was blank of all emotions. "I did this to protect you because I love you and couldn't see a world without you in it. I don't care if you never speak to me again, as long as you're alive is all that matters to me. Saying I'm sorry doesn't cover it and I don't expect you want to hear it anyways. Know that I did this only because not only do I love you, but none of this happened if I had just kept my damn nose out of this case. If I had never asked to look into your mother's case then Roy would still be alive and we'd all be safe. I just thought I was helping because I knew how much it hurt you knowing her killer was never caught. I can somehow live with the knowledge that it was my actions that lead to Roy's death and your shooting. I cannot live knowing that my snooping got you killed."

Silence filled the room for what felt like eternity until Beckett looked away with her jaw so tight it twitched. "Get out." Her words were laced with so much hatred that it made the writer wince, but she didn't care. What surprised her though was that the fact the man complied without a word of argument. Beckett had expected him to fight her, like he did that day in the loft, but he just stood with a sorrowful expression and started for the door.

Castle paused only for a moment to look back at her, "Be safe. Don't do anything stupid, if not for me, but for your father and Alexis. There are many people who can't live without." And with that he took off into the rainy night leaving Beckett sitting speechless on the couch.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Beckett's first instinct was to drown herself in the first bottle of alcohol she could get her hands on. She needed something to dull the pain. Instead she found herself sitting on the grass in the middle of a cool spring rain staring at her mother's grave. Beckett couldn't imagine what she looked like sitting in the dark, but she didn't give it to much thought as her mind was full at the moment.

When the rain to suddenly stop just around her, Beckett jerked her head around to see Lanie standing behind her. The ME had the mind to grab an umbrella when the detective didn't, "How'd you know where to find me?"

Lanie took a moment to consider the rain before abandoning the safety of her shelter and sat down next to the soaked woman. She welcomed Beckett's head on her shoulder, "Well I went by your apartment, called your dad, and went by the station. The only other place was the loft, but Alexis hadn't seen you. Sorry to tell you she does know something major happened between you and Castle."

Beckett closed her eyes with a sigh. She didn't know why she thought they could keep Alexis and Martha out of all this. Especially Alexis. They had grown so close in the last year, that Beckett never wanted to lose that relationship. She depended on it as much as the one she had with the girl's father.

"So I knew you'd be here. You okay?"

The detective gave a hopeless shrug, "I don't know. I mean I'm sitting in a graveyard at nine o'clock at night talking to a tombstone."

"Kate." Lanie put a little warning in her voice.

"We didn't argue this time. I told him to just leave and he did, he didn't even fight Lanie." Beckett wasn't sure if it would have made it any easier if the writer had done that. Her mind went back to that moment in the book store when he vowed with so much emotions on his face to always fight for her. So how could he just walk away when she desperately needed him to fight? Then again she couldn't really blame him. How many times did she really expect him to let her change her mind and walk away? Beckett was surprised he stuck in this long.

Lanie rubbed a comforting hand over her friend's back, "I don't think he had it in him, honey. He's been carrying the Burdon around for nearly seven months. He was so torn over it, even considered breaking your relationship off bec-."

"What?" That had Beckett lifting her head in wonder.

"He didn't think it right to be with you, sharing moments, building memories, when every day he woke knowing he was keeping something very important from you. The choice to be with you knowing that has been slowly eating at him." Lanie knew some of the signs would have been lost on the detective as she had her own ups and down over the last year. He had lost weight, began pushing himself a little too hard at the gym, and always looked so run down. The ME always knew when the writer didn't sleep because they were graced with his bread gruff.

What her friend didn't know was that Beckett had started seeing it to, just in different ways. Over the last month or so he had become a bit withdrawn. At the station his mind always seemed somewhere else and had all but stop offering stupid theories just to get them to smile. In the field he kept putting himself right in the middle of dangerous situations as if he had something to prove. Beckett found herself having to repeat herself more than normal and sometimes whatever she said just rolled past him. He had even started touching her less both at home and work. She had started to think that Castle was becoming bored with shadowing her and Niki Heat. What frightened her was that this was the starting signs that he was getting bored of her and their relationship. Beckett found herself relieved that wasn't the case.

"Know he did it to protect you, Kate. To keep you safe for Roy, your father, and Alexis because like it or not you're a mother now." Lanie knew that Alexis was always a soft spot for Beckett. "He loves you that much that he would risk never seeing you again just to keep you safe."

"Is that suppose to make this all easy for me? Suppose to make me forget that he kept this from me for months?" Beckett found heat in her words, the first thing she had felt since going numb at Castle's news. He lied to her everyday and snuck behind her back while he pretended everything was just fine. "He, above everyone else, knows how important this is to me. He knows how much catching her killer is-."

"He knows, but you have to put yourself in his shoes to Becks. He was in that ambulance when you flat lined." Lanie took a moment to work through the memory herself. "I swear honey it was like he had lost his entire world and he was thinking it was his fault. He opened your mother's case, he was the one who put his nose where it didn't belonged and it got you shot. He opened it because he knew how much it meant to you and was the reason why he never let it rest."

_Do know how it feels to watch the life slip out of someone you love? _ Castle voice flooded her head causing her to close her eyes and try to shake him away. "He should have told me. He should have trusted-." Beckett tried to put herself in Castle's shoes trying to understand it so she could hate him more. Only it made her understand his need to keep it from her. How many times had she awakened from a nightmare where the bullet that was meant for her took him from her life? Losing Castle in any fashion was her greatest fear and damn it if it didn't help Castle's argument for keeping things from her.

"Can you honestly look me in the eye and would have walked away from this case because someone wanted you head? Can you tell me that you wouldn't run with all this new information and jump head first in the rabbit hole?" Lanie locked her gaze with her best friend and knew the answer before the detective could form one. Their conversation was an echo of the one they had months ago after she found out the boys and Castle had hid new information from her.

"It doesn't change the fact that he went behind my back and lied to me every day. He betrayed me. I never-." Tears burned the back of her throat causing Beckett to her attention back to her mother's head stone. Castle had been the last person she'd ever think who would betray her and she wish she could hate him, but knew it was useless. Because no matter how much Beckett didn't wish it at the moment, she was in love with the man. Loved him more than anyone that had come before and damn it to hell she knew would forgive him. It seemed like it didn't matter what the writer did, but Beckett couldn't seem to stay mad at him even when she wanted to.

"I know it doesn't."

Beckett pushed her sopping hair from her face trying to remind herself that Castle did this for her because it's something she has been chasing nearly half her life. "I'm scared, Lanie."

The ME frowned, "of what? Losing Castle because, honey, that ain't going to happen even if you wanted it to."

"Not that." Beckett curled her knees to her chest, "I'm so close now. What if it all falls apart and we don't get him?"

"I don't think that's what you really are afraid of, Kate. I think you're afraid that you won't know who you'll be on the other side of this." Lanie knew by the way her best friend tensed that she hit her true fear right on the head. "Listen to me and listen to me hard, yes your mother's murder made you a cop but it's not the reason you're a bad ass one. That is something you did on your own. So when this case is behind you, you will wake up and continue you to kick ass and bring justice to those who can't bring it to themselves. That is something you learned from your mother long before she died by always going out of her way to help the underdogs in the court room. You're going to forgive Richard Castle because you're madly in love with him even if you don't want to believe it at the moment. Then you're going to get married and make little Castle babies because you deserve to be happy Kate. You've given so much to this quest of yours that you've put your life on hold."

Beckett brushed her fingers over her mother's name trying to draw strength from it. Strength to get her ass out of the pouring rain and finally get the bastard who put Johanna Beckett in the ground. They had the evidence, now she had to finish the puzzle that Castle started for her. She prayed that the final picture brought the bastards responsible to their knees begging for mercy.

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><p><em><strong>So any good? Seems choppy but it's getting there. Sorry for all my ramblings in the AN's I'm on some new meds so my brain is a bit foggy but at least I'm writing again :D Let me know what you think if you'd like! Thanks again for reading and sticking with this story! <strong>_


	7. Running out

_**Hey look a new chapter :P Thank you for all of those who are reading this! Also a great thanks to Morgan aka pinktheatre for looking over this chapter. Hopefully you guys will like it and continue on with me! **_

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><p><em><strong>7:00 AM<strong>_

"Detective Beckett."

Gate's voice had Beckett blinking at her watch in wonder, "Sir." She tried to get her mind to work as she swirled in her chair to look at the captain. It was eerie how she was seated in the same position with her desk cluttered with evidence just like she had been almost a year ago the night Roy died. "I didn't realize it was morning."

"I can tell." Concerned, Gates scanned the mess that once was her desk, something of a shock since the detective always kept her area clean. It was also clear that Beckett had spent some part of the night crying as her hazel eyes were near bloodshot. "Everything all right Kate?"

Beckett opened her mouth to say yes, but thought better of it as she could tell the older woman was indeed worried. Gate had never addressed any of the squad by their given names. "No, sir it's not." As much as Beckett didn't want to involve the captain it was looking like she had no choice. "It's about my mother's case, Montgomery's death and my shooting."

Gate lifted one eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest, "The three cases I told you to leave alone because we had no evidence?"

There was no real sting behind the woman's voice taking the detective by surprise. It was almost as if she already knew what was going on. "Castle talked to you, didn't he?"

"Can't say he was too pleased with the idea." Over the last nine months the writer and captain had trouble finding their ground around one another. Gates never did anything to hide or mask her disapproval of having Castle around at first, but in the last two months seem to be wavering. "He did, thought I have half a mind to lock him up."

"Half the mind? Figured you were just itching to find a reason to get rid of him." Beckett muttered then stiffened when she realized what she said. She had to remind herself once again that this wasn't Montgomery. "Sir."

Gates let her comment pass, "I've got some one after one of my own, I'll be damn if I just sit back and let it happen. We went to the Commissioner last night to get the go ahead to dig."

"Last night?"

"I am assuming after he left you judging by the state he was in." Gates couldn't recall ever seeing the wrtier so disheveled, even after he was huncuffed and facing down a hungry tiger. "He ran into Dr. Parish on the way out and told her what happened and that she might need you."

That explained how Lanie knew what happened. Beckett chewed on her bottom lips knowing that she owed the ME an apology for some of the things she said to her on the way out of the cemetery. "We don't know how far this goes." And that's what made this all so dangerous because they didn't know who they could trust. Didn't know who was on their team or playing against them. "We need to be prepared that this might open Pandora's Box and find ourselves pitted against those who thought it would be closed forever."

Gates leaned in, her gaze hot and heavy ready for the challenge. "We are going to take these people down. I don't care who they are or how much power they might have now. They're going to come down like a ton of bricks. You and I might not have gotten off on the right foot, but I'm your captain and I'm standing by you like I have all year. If you're going for blood, we'll go for the throat."

It took a moment for Beckett to work past the shock. "Thank you, Sir."

A smile graced the Captain's features as she pushed to her feet, "I understand your need for space, but Castle wants to be in on it too. I told him it was your choice."

Beckett never thought she'd see the day where Gates would be advocating on the writer's behalf. Sighing, she glanced at her phone that had been curiously silent for the past couple of hours. Castle had called her every five minutes and sent a text message in between intervals. "Thank you Captain." It was the first time Beckett used that title when talking to her. "I was going to wait until Ryan and Esposito got here before going through everything that's here. Between what Castle found and what I did I just hope that I'm not right. If I am things are going to get ugly."

"Good."

Beckett found herself blinking in amazement after the woman by what just happened. She figured the moment Gates learned of this she was going to be furious and demanded her shield and piece. It would appear that Beckett had misjudged the woman completely. Shaking her mind clear, she focused on the note pad before her and hoped that they could get this done quick and painlessly even though she knew the chances of that were slim. To soon her mind was drifting back to the empty space beside her desk. Without Castle in it the thing was just a raggedy piece of furniture. Her heart ached when she looked at her silent phone, the screen covered in notifications of miss calls, voice mail, and text messages. It was just another eerie similarity to a year ago. Beckett never thought with all they had been through the past year they'd end up back here. Back being at odds with her hell bent on trying to do this herself. The truth was she didn't want to do it that way. When she slapped the cuffs on these men she wanted Castle by her side because without him it wasn't worth it.

Slowly as the sounds of the morning shuffle began to dim around her Beckett realized why Castle had been hiding this, not that she was anywhere close to forgiving him for it. The names she had written down were not your normal every day people. For some reason when she heard the mixed voices of Ryan and Esposito a chill ran through her body leaving her full of dread. When Beckett turned around she found both men frowning with Gates just outside her office.

Something was terribly wrong.

"Guys?" Shaking, Beckett forced her weight on to her legs. Her heart was in her throat when she spoke again. "What's going on?"

Gates looked at her, the woman's dark eyes filled with worry. "It's Castle."

Her vision went back and she found herself gripping her desk for dear life. The boys were across the room in a heartbeat ready to catch her if her legs gave out like they wanted to. _No! _ This couldn't be happening. This just was a very bad dream and soon she would wake up to find Castle sleeping next to her.

Ryan reached a hand out to steady her, "We're not sure. We think he's been kidnapped."

"Think?" Her mind began to race with images of a broken Castle bleeding out in some dark room. Or worse. "What do you mean think?"

"His office at the Old Haunt has been tossed and the alarm there had been tripped. I got the call just now." Gates calmly explained, "CSU is already on the scene-."

"I need to get down there. We need to be there to do this." Dazed, Beckett turned in search for her jacket only she couldn't get the message to her damn brain. It was too busy going through horrors of what could have happened to her partner. "Wait-No." She stopped and forced herself to focus. This wasn't the time to think with her heart. She had to be a cop first and a lover second because if Gates knew then she was off the case. Then her mind went to his family, her family, and knew that was where she was needed the most. The boys could handle the scene Beckett had to get to Alexis. "Has his family-Have Martha and Alexis been contacted? I need to tell them, I need to take care of them."

"No we just found out." Espositio whispered, "Beckett they found a good amount of blood at the scene."

At the news the female detective swayed and paled, "You two go down there. I have to get to the loft and tell Alexis." God how was she going to break this news to the teenager. Alexis just seemed to get her feet back on solid ground after her father nearly being killed in a bank robbery, not to mention nearly being eaten by a tiger, and this would just derail her completely. Beckett didn't want to see the horror in the girl's eyes or the fear.

"No Ryan I want you to drive Beckett." Gates' statement took the three detectives by surprise, but none of them objected. "Esposito get down to the scene and we will be there when we can. The clock is ticking and I'm not going to waste a second of it. When anyone gets something you call and we will get everyone running here."

"The case." The fucking case that seemed to taint every good thing in her life.

Gates frowned, "I know."

The two males exchanged confused looks as Ryan asked, "What case?"

Beckett was surprised that Castle had managed to keep the truth from them as well. "My mother's case. He has been investigating it on his own." She caught the expressions on the faces of disbelief, anger, and slight betrayal of being kept into the dark. It seemed they didn't like being kept in the dark anymore then she did. "We need keep whatever we find close to our chest."

"Agreed." Gate's voice was filled with rage, not at them but the situation. "I don't know where the leak is, but we have one. Now go."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

_**8:00 AM**_

Castle awoke with a splitting headache and a throbbing pain in his side. As his eyes fluttered open, a groan rumbled in his throat at the throbbing it caused against his skull. _How much did I drink?_ As soon as the question finished crossing his mind he remembered what happened. Men broke into his office at the Old Haunt and there was bang. Using what little light he had, Castle shifted in his chair, it letting out a groan of protest, to see a dark stain streaking his shirt and jeans. They bullet had grazed him as they said they didn't want him dead just yet. There was a struggle when he tried to fight them off, but two against one wasn't a fairfight and it didn't help he wasn't the best of fighters.

His brain was a bit fuzzy on what happened once he hit the floor with no intentions of getting back up. His face felt like it had been hit by a truck and he could feel something moist rolling down the side of this face and down his neck. _Head wound check. _His shifted in his chair to notice that it was made of metal and his legs from the calf down were taped, most likely with duck tape, to the legs of the chair. Trying to remember more, the writer swept his gaze around the dim room to try to figure out where the hell he was. There was a small amount of light getting through the grim of one window that was to his left. The floor was bare and covered in about an inch of dust, the walls were in a state of decay and there was no site of a door. He figured the chair he was bound to be about in the center of the room and well away from anything that could be useful for his escape. Castle shifted his arms that were handcuffed behind him and doubted he was going to be around long to even begin to think of an escape plan.

"You're awake."

The voice came from behind so Castle had to fight through the pain to wrench his head back the best he could to catch a glimpse of the door he missed. He could barely make out the figure until he stepped through the stream of light from the window, even then the features were masked in shadows. "You don't sound to please about that."

"Well my employer would rather have you dead but we ran into some complications. So I get the pleasure of keeping your around for a while longer."

The voice was rough and unfamiliar. "You're not going to get anything out of me."

With a soft chuckle, the figure bent to loom his face over the writer's, "You sound so sure of yourself there Mr. Castle."

Castle did everything he could to memorize every plane, dip, and scar of the man's face. "Because I am. I know what you want and you're not getting it."

"I am really good at my job and know how to press the right buttons." The figure shifted and Castle caught the glow of a cell phone.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

_**8:45 AM**_

"Stay out here." Beckett told Ryan just outside the door of Castle's loft needing to do this alone. The man wavered wanting to argue but sighed and then nodded. The moment she walked through the door Alexis was already halfway across the living room with a sigh of relieve only that sigh turned to a gasp when she realized it wasn't her father. Beckett saw the terror and her heart tightened in pain wanting to anything she could to take that look away. "Alexis."

"What happened?" The redhead demanded. "Dad didn't come home and I know something went down between you two."

Her years of training worked against her because she was suppose to remain emotionless and detached from the situation only there was no way Beckett could do that. The man she loved was kidnapped, possibly dead, and his daughter was looking at her for something she couldn't give her. Reassurance. "He's been kidnapped." There was a sharp intake of breath and Beckett had to reach out to stabalizw the teenager. "I want you to listen to me, okay. We are going to find him." The strength in her own voice surprised Beckett. "I promise."

'You can't promise." Tears streamed down Alexis' pale face, "He could be dead. He-."

"Alexis." Beckett gave her one hard shake, "Don't go there. He's alive and I'm going to do whatever it takes to get him out. I know it's hard right now but you need to keep your head level. Can you do that for me?"

Alexis gave a silent nod.

"Okay." Beckett eased her grip a bit, "Where is your grandmother?"

"At the school."

"We're going to call her and then-." Beckett nearly jumped out of her skin when the phone she was reaching for came to life in her pocket. Gathering her wits, she pulled it to her ear, "Beckett."

"Kate."

"Rick." Relief poured out of her like a tidal wave and Beckett had to keep the teenager from snapping up the phone. "Thank god. Please tell me you're okay."

"I am for the most part." His voice was horse and strained with fear. "Listen to me please. Don't do anything please because it won't matter. They're going to kill me."

The detective's heart dropped straight into her stomach as his desperate voice filled her head. "No I'm going to find you. I'm going to-."

"Kate please." The writer pleaded with his muse, "If you come they will kill you."

"Don't do that." Tears burned the back of her throat but she refused to let them show as Alexis was watching her like a hawk. She was going to get him back because she couldn't let Alexis go through her life with the same pain she had. Castle shouldn't even be in this position in the first place. It was only because of her own selfish needs was Castle in the line of danger when he should have been home safely in his expansive loft. "I'm not done being mad at you Richard Castle, so I'm going to find you so I can finish that."

He let out a soft chuckle and the detective nearly broke at that, "Kate ta-."

A ruffling noise filled Beckett's ear as she figured the phone had been taken away from Castle and she waited for something to happen. For what felt like eternity the phone was silent, but the call was still going through.

"Detective Beckett."

The male's voice was deep and unfamiliar to her, "Yes."

"I don't think Mr. Castle likes it to much that I'm talking to you." There was humor in the man's voice as he talked. "Well he's not really going to like me all here in a few moments. You've got yourself a courageous partner here, Detective Beckett. He thinks I can't make him talk and he thinks he's prepared for torture. Such valor for a writer, I think he could almost pass for a cop."

"What do you want?" Beckett held Alexis at arm's length so she didn't hear the voice on the other end of the phone. What she couldn't do was keep her hands from trembling as she awaited her answer.

"What your partner here doesn't know is that there are other forms of torture then just physical." The man contained as if Beckett hadn't even spoken.

Beckett was surprised as she heard the phone being pressed back against Castle's ear, but it only lasted for a moment when something caught her eyes. Before she could even breathe, she dropped the phone and took Alexis down with her to the ground just as the first bullet flew the glass shattering it.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Beckett!" His cry was met with the sound of bullets, shattering glass, and shouts. The writer strained to make them out through the chaos and swore in between Beckett calling out for Ryan he heard his daughter's scream. "Alexis!" Fear stopped his heart as he screamed his daughter's name over and over again. He fought against his restraints, ignoring his body's want to protest as he opened his wounds, desperately trying to free any part of himself. "You god damn bastard!"

The last thing Castle heard before he welcomed the blackness was the sound of gunfire and his daughter's scream.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"_Stay down." Beckett pushed the teenager back down in between her legs so she could use her own body as a shield. All around glass was shattering, bullets rippping through the air, and possessions where exploding. She felt a searing pain in her arm only to ignore it as she tried to get her mind to stop from shutting down. If she did that now than they were both dead and he only concern right now wasn't her own safety, but Alexis's._

"_Beckett, you're a sitting duck!" Ryan shouted through the roar of gunfire from his potion behind the stairs. He had busted through the door and into hell, diving for cover but not before catching the edge of a bullet to the leg. "Beckett move."_

_Beckett hooked her arm around the teenager and nearly threw her into the kitchen, taking cover behind the island counter. She ignored the glass cutting into her skin as she kept Alexis covered from the continue on slaughter of bullets. Her blood was roaring in her ears from the adrenaline, "Ryan!"_

"_I'm good." He called back working the radio from his belt. Trying to keep calm he rattled off the address and the situation to dispatch before leaning out of cover to view the situation. The loft looked like a bomb had gone off as glass, stuffing, and other debris covered the hardwood floor. "I can't see anything."_

_Fuck! With her mind reeling, Beckett struggled to take in the situation around her. They were sitting ducks as the kitchen was the only safe place from the bullet storm. She was in no position to fire back and wouldn't risk her bullet going astray and hitting innocent bystanders. Waiting it out seemed like their only option. "Ryan you have to get out of here. Have the responding units surrounded the building and not use sirens."_

"_No way." Ryan replied, "I'm not leaving you two."_

"_I wasn't giving you an option." Beckett snapped There was a small break in the gun fire she assumed the gunmen needed to reload. She looked around her cover to lock eyes with the male detective. There was a grim look upon his boyish face, "Kevin this is your only chance. Go!" _

"Where is Alexis?"

Torn from the memory of the morning events, Beckett turned around to see Martha struggling to make her way through the crowd of emergency personnel. The first thing she did once her mind stop reeling was call her father and Martha to warn them. To get them to get out of the city without telling anyone where they were going and to wait until they heard from either her or the boys. Cursing the woman for not following directions, Beckett stood to go only to have Alexis clasp onto her hand like a vise. "Your grandmother is here."

"Don't leave." Alexis begged her voice trembling with the fear that she wouldn't allow on her face. "Please not you too."

"Honey." Beckett sat back down on the edge the gurney and gently brushed the teenager's hair from her face. It was pale and held a few shallow scraps from the flying glass; it was also coated with absolute fear. Fear that Beckett had hoped never to see on the girls face after the whole bank situation. A morning that haunted her more than her own shooting because she had come to damn close to losing Castle and breaking her promise to Alexis."I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to be ten feet away so I can get your grandmother through."

"No hospital." Alexis begged. She didn't want to be too far from Beckett because she needed to know everything that was going on. She needed to be reassured that everything was being done to find her father. Plus she knew with Beckett she was safe. The detective had proved that by throwing her body in front of her, using it as a shield to make sure no harm came. Alexis gaze flickered to the wound on her arm. Beckett had taken a bullet and bleed for her safety, so yes where ever Beckett was she knew there would be safety.

"I promise." Beckett gave the hand on last squeeze and climbed out the back of the ambulance calling to the uniforms that held a line to keep onlookers away. "Let her through."

Martha's gazed locked onto the detective's battered face as she flew through the crowd, "Kate." Gently as she could, Martha took Beckett by the shoulder to inspect for herself. Blood streaked down the woman's pale face from a good size cut just above the eye, her left check was bruised and her lower lip was busted. The sleeve of Beckett's torn white blouse was crimson, the wound on her arm still flowing as it had been left untreated. With a quick glance down, Martha noted she was favoring her right leg.

"I'm okay." Beckett answered before Martha could open her mouth. "Alexis is fine. Just a few scrapes and bruises from the glass."

"You're hurt."

"I'll get checked out once they get done with Alexis. And you!" Beckett dragged a bloody hand through her hair, "Were suppose to be half way out of the city by now."

"You expect me why two people I love were involved in a shootout?" Martha demanded her voice stern and left Beckett no room to put up an argument. "Any news on Richard?"

Beckett shook her head, "No. I'm sorry Martha and after this I have no clue what the hell we are dealing with. I just know that he's alive."

"It's all right." Martha assured, "Because I know you're going to find him."

Beckett wished she had as much faith as Martha did. These men, whoever they may be, were playing for keeps. They didn't care that they lit up Castle's loft in the broad daylight with no mind to innocent bystanders. "Go see Alexis." Once the woman was off, Beckett pushed her way through the scene to find Ryan. The last update she got was that two of the three shooters were down. She needed to know if they had at least one alive to drag answers out of.

"Beckett!" Ryan waved her over to the stop across the street where a paramedic was bandaging his leg.

"You okay?" Beckett asked dropping herself down beside him.

"Just a graze." Ryan took in her appearance but knew better then try to force medical attention on her. "How is Alexis?"

"Shaken and for the most part unharmed trying to put up a good front."

"Guess she's starting to take after you."

Beckett felt her lips tug at the thought, "What do you got?"

"I was able to corner them on the third floor on the fire escape before the first unit arrived. It looks like they left their gear up in the apartment so I'm guess it won't be any use to helping us ID whoever they are. We had to take two down." Ryan frowned at that wishing he had some type of good news for her, "And the last isn't saying a word."

"We'll see how long that last." Away from prying eyes, Beckett dropped her face into her torn hands needing a moment to collect herself. Seven minutes. That's how long the attack had lasted, though it felt like eternity. A measly four hundred and twenty seconds had taken nearly ten years off her life as each bullet ripped through the walls seeking to kill. The entire time Beckett braced herself for the searing pain to start. Prayed that she wouldn't hear Alexis scream an agony from being hit. Beckett knew the pain, bared the scar of being shot. She didn't want Alexis to have to carry that around. "God Alexis." The thought of losing the girl had fear gripping her heart so tight she couldn't find her breath. Blood or not that girl was hers and Beckett would fight to the death to keep her safe.

Ryan gently laid a hand on Beckett's shoulder, "We're going to get Castle back." He softly assured, "And we're going to make these bastards pay. They messed with the wrong family."

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><p><em><strong>So Yes? No? Again thanks for reading this far!<strong>_

_**Erin aka tonks32 tumblr)**_


	8. Running against the clock

Dear readers: Please blame Tonks's beta pinktheatre for the delay…she couldn't manage to get her life together to edit this for her. Thanks and have a pleasant day!

**LOL! Thank you so much to pinktheatre for looking at this and fitting time into her life to deal with my horrible writing! Well here it is! The next chapter! I'm trying to think of a clever conspiracy theory that no one has thought of but alas I think I've failed as think most of the castle fandom might share the same thought. Anyways it only gets touched on in this chapter and will be revealed in the next on and sorry if it's a letdown. I think I'm trying too hard to concentrate on the dynamics of the characters and what they're feeling that I'm not putting enough meat into the conspiracy…. For that I am sorry and will try to amend this in the next chapter. Anyways thank you as always for all those who sent reviews and added this list to their alerts/favorites. Thank you for sticking with my! And for new readers welcome :D **

_**10:35 AM**_

Castle came away with a jerk as a wall of cold water hit his flesh. Gasping, the writer shook his dripping hair from his eyes for the source to find the mysterious man from before standing in front of him with an empty bucket. "Sorry." Castle gritted his teeth to keep his body from shaking, "I didn't order a wakeup call."

"Cute." The man sneered as the bucket hit the ground with a bang. "It's time for you to answer some questions for me Mr. Castle."

"Any why would I do that?" Castle demanded working against his restraints to no avail. "You just took away everything away that I care about. Tell me why would you care if you killed me?"

"Because I work for some very impatient people and I know you don't really fancy putting anyone else in harm's way. I need to know is how you know so much and how much that partner of yours knows."

Knows. The word echoed in Castle's mind as the man rambled on. If they were worried about what she knows, that meant she was still alive. His heart fluttered with hope as he knew without a doubt that his little girl was alive as well. Beckett would do whatever it took to protect Alexis, even giving up her own life. A smile broke across his bruised face taking his capture by surprise, "You can tell the people who hired you that they know everything and they better kiss their asses goodbye."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

_**11:15 AM**_

"Damn it Lanie, easy." Beckett hissed trying to jerk her arm free of the ME's hold. It had nearly been an hour since the shooting and Beckett was itching to get back into action. Every second that she sat here doing nothing was a second that Castle didn't have.

"There is a reason I work on dead people." Lanie supplied taking back her patient's arm. They were set up in the middle of the bullpen with a very Uncooperative Beckett, who was doing everything but sitting her ass still. "Stop moving and this won't hurt or take nearly as long."

"I need to be in there." She gestured to the interrogation room where Gates herself was going at their suspect.

"No what you need to be doing is sitting still so I can patch you up," Lanie corrected adding the last of the butterfly stitches to wound on Beckett's left bicep. The wound above her eye really needed stitches, but no matter how hard she tried Lanie couldn't get the detective to go the hospital. In fact, the only reason Beckett was sitting here at all was because Gates threatened to kick her off the case if she didn't get looked at. "Where is Alexis?"

"Sleeping in the break room." This had taken a great deal of effort to talk her in to. Beckett didn't blame her, but the girl was still in shock and needed to sleep it off. That's when Beckett threatened Alexis with the hospital. She either slept there or here. Martha had backed up her descion and was now watching over the teenager. "I'm hoping when she wakes up I'll have something to tell them about Castle."

"You're going to bring him home." Lanie promised with full confidence.

Beckett's shoulders slummed forward, "I'm not so sure about that Lanie." Fear had her voice wavering, "They want the evidence and there is no way Gates is going to let it go without a fight. If they don't get it then they're going to kill him." She closed her eyes to trap the tears that wanted to fall. This shouldn't be happening in the first place. They should have been coming after her. Castle had done all of this to protect her and look where it got him. Kidnapped and a loft full of bullet holes. "I just wish that I could make this all go away. That I reacted better when he told me, maybe this wouldn't have happened."

"Kate don't do that." Lanie softly begged, "Don't allow your mind to go down that path because you need to be strong."

There was a burning in the back of her throat from the tears she kept at bay, "I don't know if I can."

"Yes you can." Lanie moved until she was face to face with Beckett. "You're the only one who can put these pieces together and find Castle. You're going to find him, kick his ass for all of this, and then move on to make little Castle babies." The ME beamed when she drew out a small chuckle from the detective and watched the woman's shoulder began to ease.

"Beckett." Gates stepped out of integration looking frazzled and ready to shoot something. "How is our patient Dr. Parish?"

Lanie began to clean up the mess she had made on Beckett's desk, as she pondered her answer. In her medical opinion Beckett needed to go to the hospital and get stitches, but hey she worked on dead bodies so what did she know about living ones. "Cranky, but she's all right." The ME saw gratitude flash across her best friends face for not selling her out. "I'll bring her something for the pain in a bit."

Gates crossed her arms over her chest, "Up for some interrogation?"

Beckett was already jumping to her feet, "You bet your ass…Sir." She added when she caught site of Gates raised brow. "Have you gotten anything out of him?"

"Nothing. Not even a name and we got nothing off his prints." Gates replied, "You going to change first?"

The detective looked down at her bloody clothes and shook her head, "Figured he's like to see his handy work for himself." She paused just outside the door to look back at Lanie. The ME was lingering in case she was needed. Beckett was beyond grateful that her best friend knew her so well. "Can you stick around in case Alexis wakes up or if Martha needs something?"

"Of course, I'm not going anywhere." Lanie promised then waved her off.

Beckett pushed into the integration room with purpose in her strides as she took a seat across from their unknown man. There was a Dangerous aura around him even thought he was built like a swimmer, tall and lean. His face wasn't hard and his brilliant green eyes were almost gentle. Nothing about the man gave away that he was a trained killer. She watched said eyes drift over her, "Enjoying your handy work?" Beckett asked calmly folding her hands on the table in front of her. Every nerve was on edge, screaming at her to start demanding answers.

"If had done my job right then we wouldn't be having this conversation." The man's voice was deep and raspy with a slight southern drawl to it.

'Well it would seem that you're a lousy shot. CSU pulled nearly fifty slugs from the apartment and not one of them hit your designated target."

"I wouldn't say that." The man's eyes flickered to the wound to her arm, "But who was saying that I was shooting to kill."

"They want me dead, don't they?"

The man nodded, "But not without knowing who knows what. It seems that partner of yours is a lot stronger than they thought." He watched the detective's face closely for any change in it, but she gave away nothing. "I guess love does make even the weak brave."

"He's not weak." Beckett hissed before she could stop herself. "Do you know where they are keeping him?"

"Yes." A slow smile crossed the man's innocent looking face, "But I seem to have forgotten exactly where it was."

Beckett gripped her hands together to keep herself in check. Right now her mind was telling her to jump across the table and pry out the information any way possible. Nothing else mattered, not even finding the bastard behind all of this, other than finding Castle and bringing him home alive. "You and I both know that the only way you're going to walk out of this is to talk to me. Because I think we both know there is no way they're going to let you out of this alive once they realize that not only did you fail your mission but you fell into our hands."

"Regardless I'm a dead man, Detective." The man shifted in his chair so he could lean across the table, "You haven't figured out who you're dealing with have you?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

"Do you like stories, Detective Beckett?"

"Depends."

"Oh, I think you'll like my story."

"In exchange for what? Safety?" Beckett wondered, "Because I don't think there is a place I can hide you where these people won't find you. In fact I bet they're waiting for you to get sent to Central Booking so they can snatch you up. You want immunity?"

"That's a start. I've got my own skeletons in my closet that I will have to face one day. I rather that be left between me and the devil, then me and a Judge."

Beckett's gaze flickered to the two-way mirror trying to stop herself from agreeing to it outright. She didn't have the authority to promise such things. "Immunity will take time. I need to track down our ADA, but I'm going to need to show her some good faith on your end. You're going to have to give me something."

"How about a little story of a lawyer, well make that an old ADA, who was involved with the mafia. A lawyer that had an informant in this very house twenty years ago. An informant who helped make certain things start to disappear. This lawyer didn't like it when some officers below his informant started to fight back by kidnapping mobsters for ransom. When these three dumb ass rookies ended up killing an FBI agent, the lawyer's informant turned against him. Threatened to go to the District Attorney, the press or anyone who would listen and expose the ADA's secret dealings with the mafia. The lawyer knew that if anyone found out about his dealings, it would not only mean his career but his death as well, so he paid his informant off with money and the promise of power. All the informant had to do was make this little mistake go away, so the informant paid off the three police officers and transferred them out."

"Who was the lawyer?" Beckett demanded.

"That's a name I will keep to myself until I have full immunity."

"Then tell me where Castle is."

"The more time you waste here demanding answers you're not going to get the less time that writer of yours doesn't have. I wonder how good he is at withstanding torture." The man grinned when the detective braced against the table. He readied himself before speaking again, "He already proved he was willing to die for you when tried to jump in front of that bullet."

It took a moment for it to register, but the moment it did, his comment ripped the lid off of Beckett's control and she went flying across the table. Rage and anger exploded through her as she brought down her fist to the man's face. In the distance she could hear shouts on the other side of the glass only Beckett didn't heed them. This man, who shot her, knew who the men were that wanted her dead and more importantly he knew where Castle was. "Where is he?" Her voice rushed out in a sob of desperation. She had to find him and fast before anything bad happened to him. Everyone was looking to her to bring him home and by god she wasn't going to let anyone down. "Where the fuck is Castle?"

"Kate." Shoving the table out of his way, Ryan rushed forward to try to grab hold of the female detective. The woman bucked in protest and two shots to the face later, he finally latched his arms around her. "Come on Kate, stand down. Let's go."

Beckett fought tooth in nail as Ryan dragged her from the room, "No, let me go, damn it." She saw her best chance at finding Castle alive disappear when Gates slammed the integration door shut after her. There was a sickening feeling in her gut that told her immunity or not they wouldn't be getting anymore information out of their shooter. "He knows where Castle is. Let me back in there."

"No." Gates stood guard on the door, "What the hell were you thinking Beckett?"

She wasn't, that was the problem. Beckett had thrown caution to the wind if it meant getting Castle back soon. "We can't wait for some stupid paper work to come through. Castle doesn't have that kind of time."

"This is why I'm going to make some calls while you go cool your head." Gates commanded blocking Beckett's path when she went for the door again. There was a feral look in the detective's eyes that Gates had never seen before, giving her insight to just how much the writer meant to her. "I'm not trying to be the bad guy, Kate. I want him back safe and sound too, but we need to do this the right way."

Beckett tore away from Ryan's grasp keeping her hands up to show her surrender. Nothing would be gained except a headache and reprimand if she continued to fight Gates's decision. "We need to keep a guard at him if you put him in holding. We also need someone we can trust to strike this deal."

"I think I've got someone in mind." Gates assured, "Ryan move him to booking and put a uniform on him. Beckett, go cool off, then put a fire under CSU's asses to see if we can get a GPS lock on Castle's phone. Dump his phone logs as well. Esposito should be back within the hour from the Old Haunt."

With her instructions, Beckett took off for the break room needing coffee. She also knew that seeing Alexis safe and sound would ground her for a bit. Inside the room the teenager was awake and sitting with Martha and Lanie at the small table with coffee at hand. "I was hoping you'd sleep longer," Beckett said crossing the room to wrap her arms around Alexis who returned the embrace with equal force.

Alexis turned her head into the detective's shoulder seeking comfort, "Any news?"

"No, I'm sorry." Beckett hated having no news for her. "But the man is willing to talk in exchange for immunity."

"Is someone going to agree to that?" Martha asked in wonder.

"I don't know. All we can do is try." Beckett whispered releasing Alexis once she realized that her clothes were still stained with blood. "I need to rustle up a change of clothes then-."

"I've got one right here for you." Jenny announced holding up a duffle bag as she entered the break room. The blonde's face was grim and pale, no doubt from the news of her husband's involvement of a shootout. "Lanie called and said you would need some. I also brought some food as I'm sure none of you have eaten."

"Thank you." Beckett tried her best to smile.

"Hey Beck-Jenny." At the sight of his wife, Ryan was across the room and in her arms before anyone could blink. Everyone watched in silence as the couple sought comfort and reassurance from one another. After the events of the morning every person in the room was well aware of the High stakes of the day. It was very possible that they could be mourning the loss of a member of this family by the end of the night.

Beckett rocked back on her heels with her gaze sweeping across the room at the faces in silence. This should be a moment where she would wish that her mother's murder never happened but she came to a realization that if that one horrible event never happened she would have never known such happiness. Beckett wouldn't know the love of the people she called family before her. These people had stopped being just friends and co-workers so long ago and became something so much more. And if that one moment in time never happened then Beckett would have gone through life never knowing how to truly love and be loved.

After a quick knock, a uniform stuck his head into the room breaking up the moment. "Detective Beckett we got a report on Castle's car."

Both detectives were making their way across the room while Beckett barked at an order to Alexis and Martha, "You two eat. Lanie and Jenny, make sure they do. I'll call you if we find anything."

"Be safe." Alexis called out after her.

Armed with the address and their vests, the pair were just about to hit the elevator when two gunshots echoed throughout the office. Their feet drew them towards the break room only to switch directions when the voices led them away towards the holding cells. With gun drawn, Beckett took cover behind a desk to assess the situation. Their gunman was sprawled on his back with blood already pooling around him in the center of the holding cell. Stand above him with gun in hand was a uniformed officer that she didn't recognize. There were two other officers braced against their own barricades shouting orders for the shooter to drop his weapon. Just as Beckett was about to instruct they take the man alive, the shooter jerked around and fired blindly into the rest of the room. Four more shots were fired off and the unknown police officer was down and wouldn't be getting back up.

Cursing, Beckett vaulted over her cover and made a bee line to the man in the holding cell. "I need a bus! C'mon-C'mon!" The man's pulse was weak and Beckett knew that help wouldn't arrive in time. Desperate, she lowered her head to meet the man's gaze. "Tell me where he is please."

The man opened his mouth as if trying to comply, but no sound came forth.

"Please! Tell me a name, anything that will help me find him!" Beckett pleaded in tears as she strained to hear the man's breathing. There were several attempts and on his last breath Beckett caught the faint sound of the letter M being formed before the last of life drained out of the man. "God damn it! Ryan."

"Nothing." Ryan sighed after checking the pulse of the uniformed officer to find none. Cursing, he looked around at the mess they had on their hands and he wondered just how far up the chain this went. Two hours, they had the man in custody for not even two hours and he was already dead. There was a leak in their ranks and they needed to find it and cap it off.

So hopefully it wasn't too much of a letdown or to far fetch that it isn't believable. Thanks again for everyone that is sticking with me! 3

Tonks


	9. Against the Wall

_**so sorry for the long lag of updating... Here it is, it's not great but well anyways here you go!**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>12:12 PM<strong>_

Castle came up spitting water, his lungs burning from the coldness of it. Coughing, he shook his vision clear, "You can do this all day." It felt like they had been, but Castle estimated that maybe forty five minutes had passed since this segment of torture started. They started by throwing a few punches hoping he would crack at the first signs of pain only to get nowhere. Castle wondered how long before they figured out that this was just a loss cause. "I'm not going to give you anything."

His capture loomed in his graying vision, "Are you truly willing to die for her?"

"Yes." Castle answered without hesitation. "I might have started this war and she's going to finish it."

"We'll see about that."

"Sir."

A new voice Castle hadn't heard before had his capture releasing the grip on his hair and allowing him to slump forward. He tried to listen to their hushed conversation but his teeth her clattering so loud he couldn't hear. All he made out was a very loud curse and then braced himself for another plunge into the ice tub in front of him.

"It seems like that lady of yours is proving to be a pain in the ass." His capture stated.

"Well she's good at her job."

"For her sake I hope she's not. My boss is getting very restless and wants her head."

"Tell him good luck with that." Castle smiled and welcomed the blow as it sent him back into the blackness.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

_**4:10 PM**_

Beckett rubbed her eyes as she looked at the screen for the hundredth time in the last hour. They were all perched in the conference room with every piece of evidence scattered upon the table. Espositio hadn't turned up much at the Old Haunt as the kidnappers didn't leave much behind. But thanks to Castle's quick thinking, they had this video she had been staring hoping to find something new. The writer had been on his laptop when his captors broke in and hit the web cam button before they took him down. It was grainy and didn't really offer them much except their voices and a brief glimpse at their faces. The video did ease Beckett's fears of Castle's injuries as it appeared the wound had been meant to daze him according his captures.

Castle's car only turned up more blood and his damaged cell phone. The techs were trying to salvage any data from it in hope Castle's quick thinking prevailed again. For now they were left with all these bread crumbs with no real trail to lead them anywhere. They send out a canvas in a five mile radius to where the car was found only to come up empty. It was clear the kidnappers ditched the car once they had dropped off the writer.

"Officer Thomas." Gates laid a new file upon the piles of evidence as she rejoined the three detectives, "Transferred to the 12th a month after Beckett's return. My guess is that this has been one of the many means of keeping track of Beckett's investigations. Dug into his financials and found that a deposit of a monthly deposit of 10k. There was also a deposit of 100k in his bank account not more than two hours before the shooting. With some more digging around I found out that his wife was dying of some rare form of cancer and they're up to the ears in medical bills with two kids to support. His wife died two days ago and he dropped off his children to his parent's house in the middle of the night. He cleaned his bank account and the money showed up on their doorstep with a note that only said 'forgive me'."

Beckett rubbed her tired eyes trying to let everything sink in. She found she had sympathy for the man and only more hatred for the people behind this. They had picked the officer because he was in a desperate situation with no way out and only wanted to do right by making sure he provided for his family. "Where did he get transferred from? Who approved it?"

"I'm still trying to track that down." Gates mumbled.

"Captain there is something you need to know about all this." Beckett vaguely gestured to the stuff in front of them. She watched Espositio and Ryan exchange glances knowing where she was about to go. "First off let me ask you not to get mad at them." She pointed to the boys, "Because they were only doing what I asked. Roy gave me so much in my career that I wanted to protect his as long as I could."

Gates leaned back in her chair, "I already know, Detective."

Ryan's brow shot straight up, "How?"

"Castle let it slip last night before we went to the commissioner." Gates filled in, "I understand your reasoning and though I am against what he did, I admire him for trying his whole amend it. He was a good man and a good cop. I won't be able to keep his secret from the record, but for now it's going to stay between us."

Before they could express their gratitude there was a knock on the door and their guest had the entire room pushing to their feet. "So it's true then." The Mayor took one look and frowned. "He's missing."

"Yes, sir." Gates confirmed, "But how did you know? We've kept that part from the press."

"He called me at like five in the morning to call in his marker." Robert took a seat next to Beckett. He owed her just as much as the writer for clearing his name of murder. "At first I thought it was a joke, he told me that he was in a trunk of a car and that this all had to go back to your mother's death as well as Roy's. It was very short but he told me that there was something he kept to himself as insurance."

"The last piece of the puzzle to connect the dots." Beckett concluded. Wasn't that just last Castle to think of nearly everything to make sure that this case didn't get screwed up again. "What was it?"

"Wire taps, finials, and photographic evidence of two high political figures. Commissioner John Dreams and Judge Markway connecting them back to Johanna Beckett's murder and their ties to the Mafia family that FBI agent was investigating to." Robert finished on a whisper almost as if he feared that someone was listening in. They thought of the two men were into something so dirty made Robert sick. He had played poker with them, had play dates with their children and trusted them to bring justice to the wronged when all along they were on the take to make certain crimes slid. "We need to do something with this information quickly. The events of today tell me that these men are desperate and willing to do just about anything to make this go away."

Gates nodded her head in agreement, "The only way to make sure that this works is get it out to the press so that the damage is done. Once words gets out they'll try to do damage control, but by then it would-."

"You can't do that." Beckett interjected, "You do that then they kill Castle."

Robert's face dropped, "I'm sorry Detective Beckett-."

"No-no-no. Don't you dare say that!" Beckett shoved to her feet and waited until the Mayor's gaze fell onto the Castle family that waited by her desk. Martha was seated behind her desk and Alexis was sitting in her father's chair, their hands clasped together for dear life as they waited. "Don't you say you're sorry to me. Tell them to their faces that you're sorry, Mr. Mayor, that you got Rick killed. We still have evidence to go over, his cell phone and-."

"Kate it's a long shot." Gates tried to explain thought she wasn't too pleased about being the voice of reason.

"Well at least it's a shot!" Beckett roared in anger. "As long as there is still breath in me I won't give up on getting Richard Castle back alive. You may think he is a dispensable casualty of this war, but he's not dispensable to me or his family."

"What do you want us to do?" Robert softly asked, "They have eyes and ears everywhere. I'm sure that once they know I'm involved that they're going to feel corner and do something rash. They're going to tie up all their lose ends and that includes Rick. They won't need him alive anymore because they'll know it's too late to stop any of this."

"Wait, please." Beckett begged, "We can see what the techs find on his phone. He was smart enough to turn on his webcam then he was smart enough to leave us something on his phone. Please."

With a pale face, Gates stood to face the female detective, "I'm sorry Kate."

"Just give us a few more hours." Beckett was grateful that Ryan and Espositio flanked her showing their support in her request. "I can't give up. I made a promise to his daughter that I'm going to bring him home and I can't look her in the eye and tell her that's not going to happen unless I've exhausted every possible lead. He may be just some big shot writer to the two of you but to all of us." She made sure that the two of them understood that, that us included more than just his blood waiting by her desk. "He is something to all of us we can't live without. This case, the justice I've been wanting for all these years isn't worth this. It isn't worth Castle's life. I've lost so much to these two men and I will not lose him to it too."

"You have six hours." Gates promised much to the Mayor's dismay over the situation. "We need to make the ten O'clock hour and we need to start putting people in place for when they start to run. That's the best I can give you, Kate."

Relief poured out of her and was grateful that Ryan and Espositio at her side to keep her upright. "Thank you." Tears stung her eyes as Beckett lifted them to look at Gates. "Thank you."

But Gates wasn't done as she hadn't given up complete hope of finding the writer, "If we find him before that time we may need to rethink our strategy. If they realize that we have them then they're going to do something stupid and they're going to slip up."

"But we have the evidence." Robert explained.

"And with a good lawyer and a lot of money it can turn into nothing." Ryan had seen it happen enough in his career. "But first we need to find Castle."

"Then get on it." Gates commanded, "I'm going to start some fires of my own and prepare the arrival of IAB. I'll keep them off your backs for as long as I can."

Beckett eased herself back into her chair before her legs fully gave out. Six hours wasn't enough time. There was just too much evidence and leads to follow up and there was only the three of them. They couldn't risk putting more men on this out of fear it would get back to the people who held the writer. Her mind went back to the night before, back to the two words she spoke to him. They couldn't be the last words to him. From the moment they professed their love for each other in the hospital each day began and ended with I love you because they both understood the dangers of her job. She had been just so hurt that he had been lying to her. What she should have known was that Castle would have never done it without good reason. "I've got to tell Alexis and Martha."

"Are you sure about that?" Espositio asked unsure himself.

"They need to know." After a moment to gather her courage, the female detective walked out and over to her desk. Both Rodgers looked up at her with hope that she had good news. "We- I should say thanks to your father we found out who the two top players are in all of this."

"Does that mean we can find dad?" Alexis softly asked.

It took her several tries before Beckett could get her mouth to work. "No." She watched the teenager deflate at the news. Nothing hurt her more then to see the sorrow in on Alexis's face. "Listen I want you to hear this from me and no one else. They mayor is involved now and wants to go public with this information so these people won't have a chance to hide their tracks."

Martha gripped Beckett's hand so tightly her knuckled turned white, "If they do that then they're kill Richard."

"I know." Beckett squeezed her hand in reassurance as it was the first time she saw Martha waver since this morning's events. "They've given me six hours to find him. I know that-."

"This is your fault!" The outburst shocked the room into silence as the red head shot to her feet.

"Alexis-." Martha tried to intervene but Beckett waved her off.

"It's okay Martha." She whispered turning to take on the burn of the teenager's anger. This was her fault after all because once again Beckett had been unable to just let go of the damn case. Thought it hurt, Beckett sat and would take her licks from Alexis. In truth she deserved a lot worse.

"He was trying to help you, that's all he has ever wanted to do. He knew, he knew!" Alexis paused for a moment to wrangle in her emotions. Her eyes were bloodshot and brimming with fresh tears. "They would kill you if you kept looking. That's why he didn't tell you. He loved you that much Kate! He would have rather you never speak to him again then lose you completely and you just threw him out! You didn't care to listen to him-."

"Alexis stop." Martha took the girl by the arms to stop her rant. Everyone on the entire floor had stopped what they were doing to listen in. "No one could have known what could have happened. If you want to be mad, be mad at the people who have your father. Not the only person who can find him."

Beckett's head came up in surprise when she realized that Martha had been talking about her. "You're right this is my fault. And I know you have no reason to believe or trust me, Alexis, but I'm going to bring him home." Her voice shook with emotions and tears she was desperately trying to hold back. "I l-love you and your father more than anything in the world. The three of you are my family and I don't care what it takes or what I have to do, I'm bringing him home."

Silence lapsed between the pair as they stared at one another. Beckett was still reeling not only from Alexis's attack, but also from the fact that she just admitted her love for Castle rather loudly for the entire station to hear. Alexis was still fired up, her jaw so tight her face twitched, and wanting blood. Martha gently took her granddaughter by the shoulder and steered her towards the stairs to the roof.

Once Beckett heard their heels clicking of the metal, she made a b-line for the restroom refusing to fall apart in front of everyone. She vaguely heard someone shout, Gates maybe, to get back to work before she crashed through the door just in time for grief to cut her off at the knees. Everything that she had been feeling for the past eight hours or so just rolled out of her in hard sobs. It was so easy to for Beckett to have the mind set of being the only one going through this ordeal. It made it easier to think, but only as a cop. The only thing she couldn't just be a cop in this satiation. There was a possibility, a great one, which Castle was going to be taken from her life. That she would have to look at Both Martha and Alexis to tell them he was gone. To tell them she was responsible for his death because Beckett couldn't be strong and just let her mother's murder go.

Beckett slid down to the floor unable to reel in the sobs that shook her body. There would be no bouncing back from this or going forward with life. Sure she would finally get justice for her mother, but it wouldn't bring back the man she loved. Giving up Castle wasn't part of this deal. IT wasn't something she would never bargain for to get her justice. God if she could only go back and just change one thing and this would have never happened. Beckett could have spared herself the heartache or Alexis the pain of possibly losing her father.

Espositio and Ryan silently entered the bathroom, finding their fearless leader, now looking so hopeless as she sobbed into her hands. Both men slid down on either side of her really unsure how to comfort her. It had been the first time that either of them had ever seen Beckett in such a vulnerable state. Even in those days at the hospital, she always put up a good front and never showed anyone how much she was suffering both mentally and physically. There had been the quick moment after the explosion in the bank that they got a glimpse behind the walls when she had thought she lost Castle. But that was it. Kate Beckett kept herself hidden behind her castle walls.

"I'm sorry." Embarrassed, Beckett pulled her ands from her face in order to try to gather her wits. "There is no time for this."

"You needed it." Ryan whispered handing her a tissue.

"We're going to get him back." Esposito assured

"Well that's not going to happen with my crying now is it?" She wiped her tears away. "Ryan I want you to run down the techs and tell them to hurry. Don't come back until you've got something. "

"On it." Ryan said already pushing himself up from the floor, "We're going to find him, Beckett or die trying."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

**6:36 PM**

They were wasting time, time that they didn't have. The techs were able to pull the logs from Castle's phone. They also found that even in moments of complete crisis, Castle could keep a cool head when needed. The writer, with all his brilliance, sent voice memos that were tagged with a GPS log and time. Some of the data had been corrupted and loss with its smashing, but the techs pulled out what they could. Now the three detectives were bent over a map of the city pinning a tag to each entry they did have. It wasn't much and left them with still such a wide area to cover that Beckett wondered if this was the way to go. IAB was barking at their heels because of what transpired earlier and foaming at the mouth to take this case away from them. Thankfully Iron Gates put her name to good use and was keeping the wolves a bay.

Ryan stood up to work the kinks out of his back frowned at the way Beckett's hand shook. Ever since her much needed break down, she had been on over drive. "Why don't you take a break?" He suggested and Esposito shook his head in warning as the Hispanic detective tried to tell her the same thing ten minutes ago. So Ryan changed tactics, "Have you talked to Alexis?"

At the mention of the teenager's name, Beckett glanced out the window to see Alexis back in her father's chair with Jenny. Martha had gone out to get food in hopes to get her to ear, but Beckett knew the woman was wasting her time. "I don't think she wants to hear anything from me other then I've found her father."

"You should still try. You know she didn't mean those things." Ryan tried to argue only to be cut off.

"Yes she did." Beckett leaned against the table fighting back tears. "She's right. If I just didn't over react or let his case go we wouldn't be here. Everything Castle has ever done in our partnership and relationship was for me because in the end he just wanted me to find peace and happiness. There was this moment about a month or so ago. He had been in meetings with his publishing company and I wanted to surprise him with lunch. So I got us our usual from Remey's, you know burger, fries, and a strawberry shake that we split basically our order for the last four years. I realized about after I drank half of the shake that he only had a couple a sips. I asked him if there was something wrong with it and he said that he admitted that he was a vanilla shake kind of guy. That he always got strawberry because he knew it was my favorite." Her throat burned with emotions, "He always puts everyone first, their happiness before his own."

Ryan placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, "We are going to find him."

Beckett snapped out from the memory and blinked the wetness from her eyes. "I need some air." She whispered and all but sprinted up to the roof. The detective walked to the ledge to look out at the sun setting over the city. The site should have been beautiful as she often found herself sneaking away at this time of day to watch the sun go down. But now it was just a heartbreaking and taunting image of the time that was slipping away.

"Such a site to see."

The sudden voice had Beckett whirling around with her gun already out and ready to use. "Who the hell are you?" She demanded as an older slim man came out from the shadows.

"As I told you writer before I'm a friend." The man echoed with his hands raised to show he was unarmed. "Believe me detective if my intensions were to hurt you I would have done it long before."

"You're the man who approached Castle in the parking lot?" Beckett demanded her grip like a vise on her weapon.

"I've approached Mr. Castle twice now with warning, but he did say you were a stubborn one. I didn't realize how much."

"Twice?"

"Yes when you were investigating out favorite Mayor for murder. I tried to express how important it was that no matter what he doesn't lose his position. We needed his friendship with Castle so your new Captain wouldn't give him the boot." Cautiously, the mysterious man moved to the ledge. "Castle has been the only one able to keep you back from looking into all of this ugliness. The only barrier that was left to protect you after Roy's murder."

Beckett lowered her weapon a fraction, "Why did they take him and not me?"

"Because Richard Castle is just as stubborn as you. He found the loop hole that Roy left for him and he took off running."

"Couldn't you have warned him? Stopped him before it got this far?" Beckett demanded.

The man turned to look at her with an almost sad expression, like this whole situation caused physical pain. "We both know he wouldn't have stopped. If he did it would only be a matter of time before you picked it up again."

Beckett looked away fighting tears. It took her several moments to find her voice through the onset of emotions. "Why are you here?"

"Believe it or not it's because I care about Castle's life just as much as you do. Being here makes me good as dead, but it's time to stop this. They took him to extract what they can out of him. To see if they can bury it again."

"They can't." Oh god Castle was as good as dead. Beckett dropped her weapon on to the concrete ledge and struggled to keep herself upright. "We have everything to bring them down."

"So you have very little time to act, Detective Beckett. The Commissioner is on his way to the station as we speak to see just how much you have. He's going to do his best to pull some strings, but your writer is as good as dead once he knows. He may even make them call you to bargain his life for the evidence, but if you do that his death would mean nothing."

Beckett gripped the man's arm, "Where is he?" She was willing to give anything to save Castle's life. Her badge. Her life. Anything to get him back safe and sound.

He dug into his pocket for a slip of paper, "You have to go now and alone. IF you all leave it will throw up red flags and Castle is dead."

That made her hesitate for a moment, "So how do I know that this isn't a trap to take us both out?"

The older man just shrugged, "You don't. But I'm offering you to possible save the man you love. The question is do you love him that much to gamble your own life?"

Beckett holstered her gun, snatched up the paper, and without a second glance was hitting the stairs. She lingered a moment on the landing of the stairs debating on telling the boys. Beckett glanced into the conference room where Ryan and Esposito were still bent over the map feverishly working with the GPS long. Everything inside her was telling her that this was a trap, but it didn't matter. This was her one and only shot of getting Castle back so she had to take it. Carefully, she moved through the station trying her best no to do anything to draw attention to herself. Near her desk Alexis sat with Jenny over cups of hot chocolate while they look on at the boys with a grim look on her face. Part of her wanted to call out to the teenager so she could say a proper goodbye just in case but thought better of it. Alexis was a good kid with a good head on her shoulders and would be able to get through this as long as her father came home. Beckett was going to make sure that happened even if it meant her life.

"Detective Beckett."

Beckett glanced at the stairs and cursed before turning to face the voice. She nearly lost it when she found herself face to face with Commissioner John Dreams. "Sir, what are you doing here?"

The man ran a hand through his white hair, "Two homicide detectives caught in a shower of bullets in board daylight. A killing of a suspect by a cop that was on the take and the kidnapping of a civilian consult who happens to be a very wealthy author and friend of the mayor. That's why I'm here detective, to figure how what the hell is going on. If it wasn't for the over whelming calls from the press over the shooting at Mr. Castle's loft I would have been here sooner."

"Sir how did you know about Castle?" Beckett nearly smiled when the commissioner's face paled at being caught. "That information hasn't made it to the press or out this door."

He fluttered for a moment being taken off guard by being caught in a lie. "I have an ear to the ground, detective. It's my job. Plus-." He jerked a head towards her desk where Alexis waited, "Why else would his daughter and mother still be hanging around here?"

"Of course I'm sorry. We are just trying to keep the information from leaking out to the press that is all." Beckett assured trying her best to smile, "Captain Gates is in her office and talk to the boys if you need to, I'm off to run down to the techs."

"Thank you Detective Beckett."

Beckett took off towards the stairs and just as she hit the door she caught site of the commissioner pulling out cell phone. Cursing because it took all her will power not to go and confront the man, Beckett jogged down to the ground floor where she ran into the last person she wanted to see. She had forgotten that Martha had run down to Remey's for a food run. She opened her mouth to say something but in that instant something passed over Martha's face and she just knew. "Martha I-."

"Kate don't-." Martha dropped the bags of take out to gently grab Beckett by the arms.

"I don't have a choice. This is my only shot and I have to take it. Just whatever happens take care of each other. If this works take care of him for me please."

The actress wanted to argue but knew it would get her nowhere. Plus how could she keep the woman from going if it meant she got her son back. Martha felt a bit ashamed at her thought. She dug into her pocket and held something out for Beckett. "This was my mothers." They both looked down at the ring that the detective held between two fingers. It wasn't flashy, just had a simple small that was perfectly weathered by age. "Javi found it in his desk at the Old Haunt and didn't want it to get lost with CSU going through the place. I gave it to him to give to you months ago, I didn't understand why he hadn't given it to you yet."

"Martha." Tears burned in the back of her throat as Beckett looked at the ring helplessly. This wasn't going to get her to change her mind and wasn't sure what Martha was trying to do here.

"My son isn't the only one that waits for you to come back home at night." Martha closed her hand over the ring. "You go and give them hell just make sure that you do everything in your power to come home to us."

Before Beckett could brace for it, she found herself engulfed in Martha's embrace. She took a moment to soak up the warmth of the woman's love, the motherly love Martha had for her. In the last year Beckett had experienced something she hadn't felt since that night she lost her mother. Martha had welcomed her into her life and family with open arms. Gave her a hard time or scolding when she needed just like she did Castle. Loved her because she made Castle happy for the first time in a long time. Helped her through the healing of her shooting and gave her advice when she thought she screwed something up with either Alexis or Castle. Closing her eyes, Beckett held on for dear life because she knew the chance of coming back. "Tell Alexis I love her." Beckett took off towards the garage with Castle's ring pressed tightly in her hand.

With the food forgotten, Martha took up the stairs knowing she had very little time to act.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Castle awoke to darkness and radiating pain shooting up his left arm. After a moment to get his bearings straight, Castle found himself on his back and realized that the weight of his body along with metal chair must have caused his wrist to shatter, hence the brutal pain. Now only if he could get his head to stop throbbing so he could remember how exactly he ended up in this position.

"Boss caught radio chatter, we gotta move." The sudden voice had Castle going still. "The detective and her trusty sidekicks are nearly here."

"What about the writer?" A second voice asked.

"Don't worry there won't be much left to find of him, this place, or the detective. Now let's go."

0o0o0o0o0o

Beckett wasn't sure or Ryan or Espositio were able to catch up to her and she didn't give it much through. At the address on the slip of paper, she threw the crown vic in park and jumped out of the car. The mysterious man's tip had lead them downtown to the part of New York that was only known to the drug dealers and junkies. Abandoned warehouse and steel mills were all Beckett could see for blocks. She prayed that this was the right one.

"Beckett." Ryan had to scramble out of the car to stop the female detective from running blindly into the building. It was so unlike her not to take in the situation and form a plan best suited for tactical invasion. After three attempt, Ryan was able to get a hold on her, "Damn it Beckett wait."

"I can't we don't have time." In her head the explanation was sound and practical, but to everyone else with was irrational and going to get them killed. Later she would look back on this moment and kick herself for thinking with a hot head and not like a cop. But it was incredibly hard when the clock was ticking against the man she loved. "Ryan let me-."

The explosion cut her off and Ryan shoved her to the ground using his body to shield her as flaming debris rained down on them. Through the roar of commotion, Beckett let out a cry of complete anguish as emotions gripped her heart so tight it began to shatter under the pressure. She kicked, bit, spat, bucked and screamed doing anything she could to get Ryan to move. Beckett was oblivious to the concrete biting into her skin or the flames that licked at her clothes; she had gone utterly numb the moment her mind connected that Castle had been in the building.

"Shh Kate." Ryan's heart broke as he fought her blows, taking them without flinching knowing he couldn't imagine the pain she had to be going through. Her sobs finally penetrated through the loud noise and he gently cupped her face in his torn hand. "I'm so sorry."

Beckett weakly pushed against his chest as if trying to push his words away. It just couldn't be true. She couldn't lose someone else, especially him. There was no coming back from this. Castle was her whole world. "Castle." Tears rolled down her face, "God Castle."

An ashened covered Esposito skated around the tail in the car with a fire blanket already working on putting out the flames burning through their clothes that had gone unnoticed by his two partners. "Fire and paramedics are five minutes out."

"We can't wait." Finally, Beckett was able to free herself from Ryan's hold and scrambled to her feet ignoring the scream of protest from her body. Castle had once braved a burning building to find her and she be damned if she didn't do the same. The three story warehouse was now a mass of flames and busted out windows. The explosion had collapsed a portion of the second floor on the east part.

"Beckett." This time it was Esposito that lunged forward to try to take a hold of the distressed woman. An explosion of pain to his jaw had him seeing stars and losing his grip on her. "Damn it!"

Beckett raced the best she could towards the building, the smoke causing her eyes to water and her throat burn. She hated fire. Had ever since nearly being consumed by it when her apartment blew up. But Beckett wasn't going to let anything get in the way of doing everything humanly possible to find her partner.

"Hey beautiful." Barley holding himself up, Castles tumbled from the smoke. He smiled when he watched emotions flood Beckett's face. "Weren't worried about me were you?"

Beckett blinked. There was her writer tattered and bloody emerging from a cloud of smoke like a god damn action hero. "God Castle."

"Nope not god, though I can understand the mix up."

Despite that the world was literally burning around them, Castle smiled, "Not god, but I can understand the mix up."

With a sob caught in her throat, Beckett threw herself into his arms. "I love you." She chanted burying her face into his throat so she could feel his pulse beating against her lips.

Castle held on for dear life with his good arm taking in her scent y to reassure himself that he was both safe and alive."I love you." His own tears burned the back of his throat. There wasn't enough words in the English language to express how much he loved this woman. "You should have made the arrest. Taken them down." Now that chance to bring her mother's murder to justice might be gone for forever.

"It's not worth losing you. I had to do everything in my power to get you back, even if that means I will lose my shield." She fisted her hands in his hair to drag his mouth to hers. Their tongues dueled as they both were fueled by a pure need to feel, to make sure that the other was indeed safe. Beckett didn't want to let him go. Not now. Not ever. "H- How did you get away?"

"Guess they don't know I am a writer that does his research. I ever tell you that I had had Alexis duct tape me to a chair for that Niki Heat scene?" Castle gave is best crocked grin as he cradled his injured arm against his body. The adrenaline was wearing off and his mind was finally registering the massive amount of pain his body was in. "Broke my thumb to get one of my hands lose. They left in a rush and with as little time that was on the timer I knew they weren't coming back. Had to do put my vast of useless knowledge to use. Cut myself pretty bad trying to get out of the window though. It's a lot easier in the movie."

Beckett's heart squeezed in knowing that he could have been caught in the blast. "Castle." His body began to sag as he had lost whatever energy he had found and doing the best to take all his weight, she gently lowered him to the ground. His stormy blue eyes were fogged over and she knew he was on the verge of passing out. She could see beneath the grim and dirt where the flames at licked his skin. His clothes were torn and a bloody mess with only god knows what. It was too hard in the darkness to get a complete assessment of his injuries. "Stay with me, okay." She begged echoing his exact words he spoke to her when she laid bleeding to death. Desperate she tried to find the source of the bleeding and found glass shards embedded deep into the left side of his body.

The corner of his mouth twitched, "Wouldn't dream of it Detective." Castle took a painful breath trying to keep his self focused on her voice. His vision was swimming, but he forced himself to bring Beckett's face into focus.

She watched as his eyes clouded before he blinked it clear almost. His fingers fumbled, but after a few tried they found purchased on her jacket to bring her closer. She could tell that he was trying to assure himself that this wasn't so dream or apparition. "You're okay." A sob started to rise, but she swallowed it down only she couldn't stop her voice from shaking. "I got you."

Castle took another painful breath as the world began to lurch around him. His emotions and thoughts were bouncing around his brain like a pinball making it extremely difficult to concentrate. "It's hard to breathe, Kate."

"I know." She pressed his less injured hand to her face trying to will her life into him. "Here that?" The sirens of approaching emergency vehicles cut through the roar of the flames. "Ambulance is almost here, so stay with me. I can't lose you, Rick."

"I'm sorry Kate. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Shh." She placed a finger to his chapped and cracked lips trying to tell him that it didn't matter. "Ryan! Esposito!" There was desperation in her voice as she called for the two men because Beckett didn't know what to do. This could possibly be the last time she talked to the writer and she didn't know what to say. She shifted to cradle Castle closer to her chest, her fingers digging into his raggedy shirt in desperation. "No Rick keep your eyes open."

"I'm trying." The writer whined gently thumbing away the tears from her dirty cheek. He hated seeing the look of pure terror on her face. Beckett had been through enough and he was more than happy that this was over. "Promise me that you'll take care of Alexis." He glanced at the boys that bent down to join them. Darkness was licking the edge of his mind and he wasn't sure if it was the everlasting kind. "All of you."

"Don't talk like that, bro." It was clear that Esposito was trying with all his might to keep his voice calm and confident. This was extremely hard to do when he was kneeling in a pool of his best friend's blood. "You're going to hang in there so together we can nail the bastards that did this."

"Plus you have to ask me a very important question." Beckett tried to smile through the tears as she tugged her chain out from under her shirt to show his ring that was resting next to her mother's. She watched a light come to his eyes, "And you're not getting my answer until you pull through this okay."

"Ambulance is here." Ryan announced before dashing off to wave the paramedics in the right direction.

Beckett lowered her head until she could feel his breath fan across her face, "Don't you are leave me, Richard Castle. Your kid needs you." Tears rolled down her face and found a home on the writer's injured cheek. "I need you."

Castle gave her a weak nod, "Tell me honestly." He watched panic cross her face, "Do I still have my eyebrows?"


	10. Hospital

It's short I know, but I had to get it down. Expect more soon!

* * *

><p>Castle's eyes fluttered open only to close on a groan. After a few moments he tried again and was still blinded by a blinding white light wheezing by over head. "Kate." He whispered his partner's name as he tried to get his bearings straight. He was moving and he could hear a bunch of voices but couldn't make out any words. Just a bunch of muffled sounds over loading his brain. The writer began to panic when shadows began to loom over him in the shapes of heads. "Kate."<p>

Beckett hustled after the gurney and paramedics as they shouted orders back and forth. She tried to listen so she knew exactly what was happened, but found herself to focused on Castle to catch anything. His head was lulling to side to side in a jerking gesture that set panic afire in her chest. "Rick." Ignoring the protest from the paramedics, she wedged herself in by his bed side to take his hand and almost instantly the writer stilled. "You're safe. You're at the hospital."

"Okay you got to move." The doctor was the one who spoke as he gently pushed away Beckett from the moving gurney.

Beckett slowed to a stop knowing this was far as she was allowed to go. She watched helplessly as they wheeled the man she loved down the hall. Was this how Castle felt when they were in opposite spots last year? Did he have the heavy ache in her chest of fear? A stomach clenched so tight with so much uncertainty she thought she'd get sick? Dazed, Beckett stumbled back until her back found a wall. Her legs trembled and wanted to give out, but she refused to give into it. She had to remain strong. Had to keep her thoughts from wondering to what could happen because Alexis was going to need her reassurance that Castle was going to be all right.

She didn't have much time to really prepare herself. Beckett heard Lanie calling after Alexis and looked up in time to see the teenager striding through the front door of the ER. Beckett's heart tightened when the Alexis's gaze took in the dry blood that caked her hands and clothing. It was hard to read the girl's expression so she wasn't sure what was to come. There was going to be anger and lots of it that much she knew. Her mind went back to their last meeting and that look that was on Alexis's face as she blames this whole ordeal on the detective. And Beckett knew she was right. If she was just had walked away from her mother's case this would have never happened. So Beckett deserved the girl's fury and hatred.

Pushing away from the support of the wall, the detective squared her shoulders and readied herself for whatever was to come. Yelling, maybe a slap, or just a total brush off. Whatever it was Beckett would take it like she deserved. What she wasn't ready for was for Alexis to latch on to her as if her life depended on it. Shocked by the desperate embrace, Beckett stood like an idiot for a few moments before she could get the message to her brain that Alexis was seeking comfort. Wrapping her arms around the red head, Beckett leaned back against the wall only for them to slide to the floor, still clinging onto one another.

"It's okay." Tears and words of comfort were whispered into the girl's hair as Alexis broke in her arms. "It's going to be okay."

"I'm so sorry, Kate." Alexis sobbed into the detective's neck.

"None of that." Beckett began stroking a hand over her hair.

"The things I said. I know you love him and would never want this for him-."

"You were angry." Beckett assured. "And I was the reason. So no apologizing for you, okay."

"I still had no right to say those things. To talk to you like that." Alexis knew now how foolish she was for flying off the handles like that. Beckett was the only woman who ever dated her father that would never hurt him intentionally. Never want anything bad to happen to him. It was just so hard to keep everything straight after such an emotional day. And for crying out loud the woman had used her body as a shield to protect her from a storm of bullets.

Beckett gently drew Alexis away so she could wipe the wetness from her cheek. "It's okay." She repeated.

"Thank you." Alexis whispered fiercely. "For keeping your promise."

"Always." She tucked a stray lock of hair being Alexis's ear.

"What happened?" Martha finally asked altering Beckett for the first time they weren't alone. The entire team surrounded the two on the floor. Ryan and Espositio were on their phone trying to handle everything so Beckett didn't have to while Lanie was already at the nursing station.

"He's hurt." Beckett felt the grip around her tighten. "I don't know how serious. I ran into the commissioner on my way out and I think he must have tipped them off."

"He was talking to the captain when I ran upstairs to get the boys." Martha explained, "She kept him in there long enough for them to run off after you."

"They knew I was coming because they had something waiting for me. Luckily, Castle has some great hidden talents and managed to free himself from his restraints." Beckett figured she'd wait to tell them about the whole bomb thing just for a little bit. Right now she just wanted everyone to focus on the fact that he was alive and safe.

Lanie came back up to the group with a pair of scrubs, "I managed to batter for these." She handed them to the detective. "There is a bathroom down the hall."

Somehow, Beckett managed to push herself onto shaking limbs before reaching down to help Alexis stand. She almost pulled back when she remembered the blood, but the teenager latched on never the less. Together both women made their way to the bathroom. Alexis took the scrubs from Beckett so she was free to wash the blood from her hands. Beckett wrenched on the water and waited until she could see steam before plunging her hands under the stream of water. She took a moment to look at herself in the mirror and nearly gasped. Her face was void of all color, her eyes were blood shot, and she had soot from the ash of the fire. Her hair was sticking out every which way from her loose pony tail and she just looked like hell.

One the verge of breaking down again, she turned her attention back to the task on hand. The white porcelain sink was stained red with the watery blood now leaving her hands. It nearly made Beckett's stomach turn. Her knees began to tremble as she reached for more soap. Her hands were nearly raw, but she still scrubbed as to her they weren't clean yet.

"Kate." Alexis appeared at her side when she noticed the fulgurous scrubbing. She looked down to see Beckett's skin started to split around her finger nails. She set the scrubs aside before reaching off the cool down the temperature of the water. It was hard to see Beckett looking like she was on the verge of shattering. The detective had been the only strong one in the past twelve hours, making sure that she and her grandmother were okay. It made Alexis's guilt triple because she had forgot in the moment in the bull pen that Beckett was going through the same thing she was.

"I'm sorry." Fighting tears, Beckett gripped the edge of the sink until her knuckles turned white. She was supposed to be the strong one damn it! Alexis and Martha needed her to stay level headed and calm. They needed her to be able to assure them that Castle was going to be okay. That this was all going to be over. The thing was Beckett knew the first two were true, but the last she couldn't say for sure. She and Castle were supposed to die tonight and everything else was just to be swept under the rug. Now that that plan had gone to hell Beckett wasn't sure what to suspect.

Alexis didn't say anything, just simply handed her some paper towels to dry off her raw hands. Beckett hissed at the pain. Alexis tried to distract her by babbling on about nothing while handing the detective the fresh clothes. Beckett did her best to smile, and instead of taking the scrubs, she pulled the girl into a hug. Beckett knew that Alexis was pulling herself together for not herself, but to help keep Beckett from crumbling. It was so easy to see her nineteen year old self in the teenager, trying to be the strong, and brave while she was most likely breaking apart behind the mask.

"I love you Alexis." Beckett whispered and heard a small sigh escape from Alexis. "And we're going to get through this together. I don't want you to pretend that you're okay. I'm here for you. So when you need to, lean on me. Okay?"

"Okay." Alexis soaked up the comfort of the embrace.

Beckett pulled away and headed towards a stall to change.

"Kate." Alexis spoke stopping her in her tracks, "I love you too."


	11. Waiting

No beta so all mistakes are mine and yes there will be some...

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><p>"What is taking so long?" An hour later, Beckett had worn a trench in the small waiting room while the other occupants looked on. The group that consisted of three cops, two red heads, an anxious ME and a spouse and a father. With each second that passed her mind began to lose control and start to think of the worse case possible.<p>

"Kate." Jim stood to finally stop his daughter's pacing. "Sit down."

"I can't sit." She looked at the clock again for the hundredth time. Jenny had arrived with her father about ten minutes ago once she called with the okay for him to come back to the city. Having the whole family together should be a comfort, but it wasn't. There would be no comfort or relief until she laid eyes on Castle again.

"Family for Richard Castle." A voice called out as the door opened to the waiting room and the entire room stood. The woman, maybe in her forties, blinked a little at the amount of people before she let the door close behind her.

"Yes."

"You're all here for Mr. Castle." The doctor asked to be sure.

"You have my permission to speak in front of them." Martha pushed to her feet. "I'm his mother Martha Rodgers."

"I'm Julia Garrison and I'm the one treating your son."

"How is he?" Martha softly begged as both Beckett and Alexis stepped on either side of her.

"Two broken thumbs, three broken ribs, a mild concussion, countless contusion and lacerations along with mild hyperthermia and dehydration He has a compound fracture to his left arm as well which we set with no problem. He also has a bruised spleen that we will need to monitor." The doctor raddled off the number of stitches that the gash on the writer's arm required as well as the bullet wound and a few stab wounds that he had acquired and watched the detective's face go white. She didn't believe in sugar coating anything, especially after everything her patient had went through. It wasn't fair to his family and the woman in front of her that looked like she had gone to hell and back to get the wounded man. "We are giving him a blood transfusion because he did lose a fair amount of blood and will run a few more tests to make sure there is no internal bleeding. But the important thing is that he's going to be okay."

It took a moment for Beckett to find her voice, "C-can we see him?" She softly asked feeling the teenager tighten her grip on her hand.

Julia's eyes scanned the small sea of faces that were crammed in the small waiting room, "Of course, but I would recommended going into pairs. We need room to continue to treat Mr. Castle without much interference. But-." She held up her hand when the room started to move and talk about who would go with who. "Detective Beckett you're not going anywhere."

The woman in question reared her head in refusal, "Excuse me? You can't-."

"You will be more then welcome to see him after I treat you." Julia finished taking the wind out of Beckett's sails. There were the obvious small cuts and bruises on the detective's face, but Julia, thanks to her many years of medical experience, could see Beckett favoring her right leg. Judging by the burns that had eaten at her pant leg that her skin must have been affected as well.

"Please Dr. Garrison-."

Julia cut her off, "You were able to charm my husband when you were here Detective Beckett and I would hate to get an earful from him once he learns I let you walked around injured."

Again Beckett lost all her steam in her argument as she had a soft spot for her surgeon. "You're his wife."

The doctor smiled with so much pride at that fact, "I am. I can call him down and drag you to an examining room if you like."

"No there is no need." Beckett assured looking down at the teenager, "Why don't you and Martha go in first. I'll be there once I'm done."

Alexis shook her head. Even though her need to see her father was great, but her need to stay with Beckett was greater. The teenager was terrified if she took her eyes off Beckett for just even a moment that she would find this wasn't real. That her father was still missing or worse had died in the explosion. "I would like to stay with you."

"Are you sure?" Beckett softly asked and got a nod in response.

Still seeing Beckett hesitate, her father stood up, "I'll go with Martha."

A grateful smile crossed the older woman's face, "Thank you Jim." Martha took the arm that he offered and was surprised that she needed the support as her legs were trembling so bad there was no way she could have walked on her own.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Beckett hissed when Julia rolled up her ruined pant leg causing the doctor to apologize. Alexis was perched on the gurney next to her and letting Beckett squeeze her hand when the pain became too great. In all honesty, Beckett felt like she had been hit by a train more than once. All the injuries she had sustained in the last ten hours were all rolling together making her tired and weak. "I'm afraid to look."

Alexis wasn't, in fact the teenager almost look intrigued as she looked down at the burnt flesh. The skin on her shin and calf was completely red, about the shade of an apple, and had scattered bloody blisters along the burn skin. It looked like Beckett's shoe had protected her foot. "Looks like maybe second degree burns?"

Impressed, Julia looked up at the teenager, "That's a good guess. A doctor in the making perhaps."

"Maybe Medical Examiner." Alexis added a little sheepishly that she had been so enthralled in Beckett's injuries. "Sorry Kate."

"It's okay you're just trying to keep your mind busy." Beckett padded her hand before she found the courage and looked down. How she was able to walk on it for nearly an hour without feeling the pain was beyond her. "Oh boy. That looks very nasty."

"There will be scaring." Julia pointed out as she examined her patient's leg. "There isn't much in terms of treatment. I'm going to put some ointment on it for now and wrap it. I remember my husband mentioning one of your visitors was a doctor."

"Yes." Beckett hissed at the contact of the ointment.

"Good between her and your daughter I'm sure they can monitor the healing."

Beckett opened her mouth to correct the doctor, only for Alexis to cut her off, "I think we can handle it." Alexis smiled at the shocked expression on Beckett's face.

Julia smiled as well, "I'll give you a script for pain killers because if you want to sleep you're going to need them. No let me just clean up those small cuts on your face and hands then you can go see Mr. Castle."

"Is he really going to be okay?" Alexis softly asked, her eyes pleading with the doctor for the truth.

"Yes. Now when you see him he is going to look really bad. His face has a bit of swelling and a lot of bruising. He's going to have soft cast on his hands and his arm. He's going to be sore as hell, but he is going to make a full recovery." Julia informed as she finished cleaning out the shallow wounds on the detective's face.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Beckett was stopped just short of Castle's hospital room by Alexis halting in her tracks. "Lex?" Worried, she curled a finger under the girl's chin to lift her face and Beckett could see the tears swirling. Underneath Beckett could see all of her fears. "He's okay, honey and it's all over."

"Are you sure?" Alexis asked her throat burning with the tears that wanted to fall.

"I promise you nothing else is going to happen to you or your father." It was all Beckett could promise at the moment. Once the news caught wind of all this the commissioner was going to try to take care of loose ends or run. "Now." She caught the single tear that fell with the pad of her thumb. "Remember what the doctor said. He's going to look worse than he actually is. Now do you need a minute?"

Alexis took a deep breath, shook her head, and then moved into the room. Martha immediately stood to move to her granddaughter's side, "He's going in and out." Martha explained walking with her to the edge of the bed.

"I'll be right outside." Jim whispered as he stepped into the hall to leave the two alone. He took post with his back against the wall of the door way right next to his daughter. He could tell that she was struggling to keep her emotions in check. "Come here."

Beckett wrapped her arms tight around her father and allowed herself a moment of comfort. The last time that she had was that night in the diner when she told him about the new development in her mother's case. "I almost lost him."

"But you didn't."

Beckett dug her fingers in the back of his jacket, "I was so close. God dad I don't know what I would do without him." They had come close to death in the past, but for some reason this felt more real than any other time. "This case has been my main focus for so long; I thought I was strong enough to step away from it because I found something I wanted more. I wanted just a normal life and relationship with Rick. And then I nearly threw it all away."

"It's over now." Jim soothed. "Even if it's not you're just going to let it go, Katie. Your mother wouldn't want all this."

"I know." Swiping her hand across her cheek, she pulled away to look at the man she loved and nearly lost. He was awake and staring straight at her with over his daughter's head so much emotion that her knees started to buckle. He whispered something to the teenager in his arms and she looked up to wave Beckett inside the room.

Castle shifted his daughter a bit to ease the pain, but refused to let her go. His mother was on his right side with her hand resting carefully on his upper arm. All that was missing was Beckett. "Hey." He gave her a goofy smile.

Tears started up again and this time Beckett let them fall in front of everyone. "Hey." In the next breath, she was at his side gripping his face in her hands as she laid her brow against his. She tried not to laugh when he wiggled his arm free from underneath Alexis so he could bring a hand to her face. "Don't ever do that again."

"Trust me I won't." Castle assured. "Alexis said that Ryan was hurt at the loft."

"A bullet grazed his leg. I would be more worried about the work you will need to do on your loft then his wound, trust me." Beckett couldn't help but cringe at the thought of the mess that awaited them.

"Should have seen how bad ass Kate was, dad." Alexis broke in, "Would have defiantly given you some great material for Niki Heat."

"I don't think so." Beckett corrected on a soft laugh, "I was scared out of my mind."

Martha feathered her fingers through her son's hair, "I think we've all be scared out of our minds for the last ten hours."

"Thank you, Kate." Castle stroked her cheek with the tip of his finger, "for finding me and taking care of my family."

"Always." Beckett whispered. "I will always find you, Rick."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Just around three in the morning everyone but Beckett, Alexis, and Martha left the hospital as the writer was dead asleep. Ryan and Esposito headed back to the station with promises of coffee and sweets when the sun came up while Jenny and Lanie took Jim home. The older woman was slumped in a chair with her head dropping down to her chest fast asleep. The stress and worry of the day had worn her out and was out shortly after her son. Alexis, on the other hand, was wide awake and curled against Beckett on the sorry excuse of a sofa that was against the wall by the foot of the hospital bed. Beckett herself had taken up to singing to the teenager since it was the only comfort she could offer right now.

In the dim light, Castle laid almost deathly still on the bed. The only movement was the shallow movement of his chest as he breathed. He looked so pail and frail. His face was completely discolored with bruises, with stitches just above his left eye and on his chin. He had casts on both arms, only extending to below his elbow and the other to about mid wrist. His bruised skin was a stark contrast against the white of the soft cast. He had tubes, wires and god knows what sticking out of him. He had an IV and blood pressure cuff on either arm with EKG wire trailing out of his hospital gown. He just didn't look like her Richard Castle. Beckett wanted so desperately for the writer to open his eyes and crack a joke. She just wanted this all to be some horrible dream.

"Kate." Alexis spoke causing the detective to stop singing.

"Yeah."

"How am I supposed to get past this? How am I supposed to go to school and take my final exams like I almost didn't lose my father? That I wasn't involved in a hail of bullets? How am I supposed to go through life like everything is just like normal?" Alexis wondered if she would be able to look at the world in the same way she did less than twenty four hours ago. That innocence that she took for granted was gone. Now she knew the true underbelly that was the world. How did her father see the darkness everyday and still maintain his childish outlook on the world?

"I know you've been through a lot today, a lot more than someone your age should have gone through, but I promise you that you will get through this."

"I don't think I can go back to the person I was before. Not after today. I can't go back to school and look at all the smiling faces who are so happy to be at where they are. Can't see them happy and oblivious to the horrors that await them when they get thrown into the real world after graduation."

"Alexis listen to me." Beckett reached to take her face in her hands. "Life isn't fair or just. It's something I think your father hoped to shield you from for a bit longer, but now you know. Now it's up to you to not to let the darkness and despair of the ugly side of life make you lose sight of all that is good and true in the world. Tragedies happen. This-." She gestured to the girl's father, "happens to so many people every day. What we have to do is not give up. The confusion and fear that you're feeling right now, well that's life way of reminding you that somewhere out there is something better. Something worth fighting for. I know because I didn't fight. I let the darkness consume me and change the path I was meant to take in life. Now I will not say I regret that because for as much pain as it caused me it also brought me so much happiness. It brought me your father and it brought me you."

"But I didn't have anyone telling me like I'm telling you that the pain, fear, and everything else you're feeling right now is the universe telling you not to stay still. I had no one to tell me that it's just life telling you to push on, to push pass this one horrible event, and push on so you can push back. This is just life trying to make you tougher. It's life trying to help you handle the realism of life. But I want you to know." Beckett gently wiped the tears from Alexis's cheek, "That the ugliness of life fades away and you can find the joy in the small things again. That one day you're going to look back at this moment and that's all it's going to be. Is just another moment in time. Yes it's a moment full of suffering and pain, but it was also a moment you didn't let define you. So that's what you're not going to do, you're not going to let this define you."

Alexis blinked at the detective and her hearty speech. "You just gave your first mom speech." Now it was Beckett's turn to blink and Alexis found herself smiling for the first time since arriving at the hospital. "How did it feel?"

"Kind of scary to be honest." Beckett pulled the teen into her arms for a rib crushing hug. "How'd I do?"

"Well as someone who has never had a mother around to give one, I say that it was pretty damn impressive." Alexis replied. "A little over the top, but you got your point across. But its great practice for the little Castle that I'm sure is to come sooner or later."

Smiling herself, Beckett pressed a kiss to the crown of the girl's head, "Now get some sleep."

"Will you sing?" Alexis loved her voice and could only coax it out of the detective at times of distress or sickness.

"Of course."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Castle dragged himself back to the world of living to the sound of Beckett singing. It took some effort, but finally he swung his gaze around the room to find Beckett sitting to his right holding his daughter's hand who was passed out rather uncomfortably on the small sofa. "Hey."

Beckett's sultry voice cut out as her head whipped around in surprise. "Hey." She greeted gently releasing her hand from Alexis's so she could clasp on the Castle's fingers. "I didn't think I was going to get to talk to you before I had to leave."

"Leave?"

"Yeah there is quite a mess waiting for me at the station. Gates was kind enough to let me stay the night with strict orders to report at five am." Beckett glanced at the wall clock, "Which means I'm going to have to get going soon. Alexis was just having some trouble sleeping."

"Thank you."

"Castle-."

"You took care of them. Hell you saved my daughter from a hail of bullets, Kate. You bled for her."

"Because I love her. I would have given my life for her, for you and for your mother. They're my family." Beckett reminded. "I would have given up anything to get you home."

"And you may have. Beckett they're going to go after your badge for not following protocol."

"I know and we will deal with it if it comes to that." Beckett assured. "But I don't want you worrying about that. I want you to just worry about getting better so you can walk to your daughter's graduation."

"Is it all over?"

"I want to think so, but I can't be for certain." Beckett wished like hell that after the arrest she was about to make that it was all going to be over. She knew that there were more apples to be shaken from the forbidden tree and they might not like being brought down, but no matter what it took Beckett was going to take these people down. "Right now I don't really care. I only care about the fact that you're okay."

Castle glanced down at his banged up body, "Well for the most part. I still got my eyebrows." He made them dance causing his partner to laugh and it was a sound that he was sure he would never hear again. "Kate I'm so sorry. I know I promise."

"Rick I know." Beckett felt the phone in her pocket buzz and knew that it was time to go. She had to meet Gates so they could arrest the commissioner. "And we will talk about all of this when I come back, okay."

Castle caught something in her voice, but let it drop. "Just keep me posted."

"I'll be back before you know it."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Just before the sun came up, Alexis and Martha snuck away to get coffee and food leaving Castle alone for the first time since he awoke. But thankfully it didn't stay like that for long as Ryan and Esposito came into the room just after they left. "Hey!" Castle greeted them with a warm smile, "I think I have a thank you for the both of you for keeping my family safe."

"Our family." Espositio corrected looking around the room confused, "Where is Beckett?"

"She said that Gates needed her at the station at like five or something like that." Castle watched a look pass between the two detectives and felt the bottom of his stomach drop. "What isn't she telling me?"

"Gates is arresting the commissioner this morning. Beckett must have went with her to make sure that nothing went wrong." Ryan informed. "She told us that she was going to sit it out. Castle what the hell do you think you're doing?" The detective demanded when the writer began to pull at the wires feeding into his body.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" With the pain swimming in his head, Castle pushed himself into a sitting position and nearly yelped. "I'm making you two take me there."

"Bro I'm not so sure that's a good idea." Esposito caught the man when he swayed once on his feet. One look at Castle's face and Espositio knew there was no way that he could talk the writer out of this. "All right let me see if I can find you some clothes. Ryan make sure no one comes in here."


	12. Fate

Okay yeah... Well first I would like to say sorry for this long gap of updates, believe me I didn't mean to wait this long. It's just life got in the way, I moved (for the first time in my life) to another state away from family, had to get a new job. I"m also I first time homeowner and let me tell you that was stressful and well I'm engaged! So life as been busy and again I apologize for anyone still following this story.

Also I had no beta so there will be mistakes and I take full responsibility for them.

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><p>"You ready for this?" Gates asked watching the detective closely as they suited up for the take down just around the block from the commissioner's building. There were just a half of dozen officers crowded around her car gearing up for the take down. The weight of the last twenty four hours was wearing on the younger woman's battered face. Gates knew that the detective had gotten no sleep since news of the writer's kidnapping and was in no position to be holding a gun. Everything was telling Gates to tell Beckett to get in the car and go back to the hospital, but she knew that this was important to her.<p>

Wincing, Beckett slipped on her bullet proof vest, "I've been waiting for this moment for a long time." A part of her refused that this was actually happening. She had spent do many years praying for this moment that it all seemed to goof to be true.

"Kate." The Captain used the detective's first name to get her full attention. "Go in there as a cop. I need you to be level headed."

"I know." She trailed off in wonder when she caught site of a familiar car. Her heart sank when she spotted the passenger. Damn it! Pulling away from the huddle, Beckett limped her way to the car.

"Oh no no no." Beckett had to help the writer out of the car who was paler then a sheet of paper. "What on earth do you think you're doing? How could you let him talk you two into this?" She turned her heated gaze to the male detectives. They should have known better. For Christ sakes the man had been tortured for hours on end. He was in no condition to be standing let alone out of the freaking hospital.

"Don't be mad at them." Castle had to use the car door as support.

"Mad doesn't cover what I am at the moment." Beckett hissed, "Alexis is going to kill me, then you, then me again." She glanced at the two male detectives that hovered back behind the writer in silent support. "And don't think you two will escape her wrath either."

"I was going to leave with or without their help. With just made things a little easier."

"Well you're getting your ass back in the car and back to the hospital." Beckett stated as if he was really going to listen to her in the first place.

"Listen Kate I'm not going back and I only have a little time before the pain killers wear off. So we can spend the time arguing or we can go arrest the man responsible for your mother's murder." Castle said before adding, "Together."

Beckett should have sent him back to the hospital. Should have be strong enough to do this on her own, but when it came down to it she wasn't. She needed Castle to be by her side. "Together." She echoed before snagging his vest out of the back of the car. She helped him put it on while mumbling about how Alexis was going to kill them both. Beckett promised the teenager that her father was safe and was going to stay that way. And here she was putting him back in harm's way. "Just stay back, okay."

"Kate."

"Listen, I didn't just get you back just to lose you, okay. Stay back." She instructed before moving to join Gates.

The Captain looked up to glance at the barley standing writer. Again she should have used her better judgment to send him and Beckett back to the hospital, but ignored it. In fact Gates had a new found respect for both of them. "All right since the Scooby gang is all here let's get this show on the road." Gates fastened her vest into place before snagging the arrest warrant from the hood of her car. She took lead with the others falling in behind her as they started towards the entrance to the building.

Beckett felt Castle move behind her with much more grace then she expected from the injured man. She wanted desperately to reach for his hand, for the comfort she would find, but straightened a little bit higher and charged forward. Beckett wasn't sure what she expected to be waiting for them, however she expected some resistance only to find none when they strode through the doors. The reception's desk was vacant and the adjoining offices where completely empty.

"It's like a ghost town in here." Ryan muttered from behind her as he moved his hand to rest on his weapon.

"Keep up your guard." Gates insisted. Upon their approach, Gates could see the door to the commissioner's office was ajar. The group halted as she pushed the door open and together they discovered the man they were coming for sitting ever so calmly behind his big wooden desk. "Commissioner John Dreams." Gates voice boomed through the quiet office as the others filed around her. "I have a warrant here calling for your arrest."

John's gaze skidded around the Captain and went straight for the female detective. "I must say Detective Beckett that you are your mother's daughter." Leaning forward, he folded his hands atop the desk posed as if this was just another simple business meeting. "She too had the nasty habit of sticking her nose into things that didn't pertain to her."

Beckett felt a chill run up her spine at his words, "You lost any right to speak about my mother the moment you had her killed." The strength in her voice surprised her because on the inside her insides felt like she had swallowed a box of fireworks. She felt Castle move behind her and felt bit stronger.

John took notice to the change in the detective as the writer shifted. "Ah Mr. Castle I was so sure that after last night you wouldn't be snooping about. You know none of this pain and misery would have even happened if you had just stop digging. Montgomery's death, your beloved detective's shooting, and let's not forget the attempt on your dear daughter's life."

"No that is your fault." Beckett corrected knowing Castle was feeling guilty enough about this whole situation. "If all of you had done the right thing all those years ago there would be a lot less death and pain in the world."

"Everything is so black and white to you Detective Beckett and it wasn't the way back then. Back then it was more about obtaining power then justice." John calmly explained.

"Well now it's all over." Gates raised the warrant in her hand to remind him. "It's time for your rein to end. Now there is no getting out of this." She motioned to the moving shadows in the window behind him. "So stand up nice and slow."

Tipping back in his chair, John folded his hands behind his head, "I don't know. I may have a few tricks left." He smiled as his jacket button released revealing indeed he had one last trick.

"Everyone retreat." Gates spoke into the radio as Castle was shoved out of the room by the two male detectives. Slowly the two remaining women started their slow retreat. "John don't do this."

"I have no choice because I'm dead either way." John explained as his thumb moved over the detonator hidden in palm of his hand. "This way I might be lucky enough to take you out with me."

"Go!" Beckett grabbed Gates and together started through the door.

Finally able to break through the hold of Ryan and Esposito, Castle turned around just in time to see a wall of fire lurching out of the office. Once again the two male detectives grasped the writer by the collar and did their best to take cover.

A loud ringing in her ears brought Beckett out from the blackness. How long she was out, she had no clue. Chaos surrounded her in the form of smoke, dust, and god knew what else. Coughing, Beckett's senses slowly came back to her and found something rather heavy pinning her down and some flames to close for comfort. In the distance, under the roaring in her head, she could hear someone calling out her name. She opened her mouth to speak only to break into a coughing fit. God damn it what was it with people trying to blow her up.

"Beckett!"

"Here!" She finally managed to call out finally finding her voice. Her chest was burning as her lungs protested taking in smoke instead of air. "That you Ryan?"

"Yeah." Covered is plaster and dry wall, Ryan shuffled his way down the hall way that looked like a war zone. The wall to the left, where John's office had been, was completely wiped out with the furniture hurled by the blast a few hundred feet. Flames were eating up anything it could find causing smoke to fill what remained of the hallway. They had to get out of here before the building became anymore unstable. "Espo!" Ryan looked around him, his eyes burning and watering from the smoke.

"Down here." Esposito called out detangling himself from what was a door. "Help me up."

Ryan reached down to help his partner to his feet, "You okay?"

Esposito whipped at this face and came back with blood, "I think so. Where is Beckett?"

"Down the hall." Ryan informed and made sure he kept his voice low when he asked the next question, "Where is Castle?"

Esposito's face fell, "I thought you had him."

"I did!" Ryan defended limping his way around. With a glance down at this leg he found his pants torn and bloody. "Damn it."

"Hey guys!" Beckett called out, "I can't move what's ever on top of me."

Esposito began to climb over the fallen beams and scorched furniture to get to her. "Where is Gates?"

"In here." Her voice was muffled as it came from the office across from John's that was now barricaded by debris. "A little banged up thanks to Beckett."

"Should I apologize for trying to save your ass?" Beckett asked trying to wiggle free only to get to nowhere. The pain in her shoulder finally made her stop. Just great, Beckett mused as she waited for help. Just another injury to add to all this. At this rate her and Castle would be in full body cast by Alexis's graduation.

"You could have been a bit easier." Gates supplied but had a slight smile in her voice as she spoke. "I think I see a window I can get out of. You guys get out of there now."

Beckett let out a sigh of relief when the weight that pinned her down was released. Blinking, Beckett glanced up at the injured Esposito and had one question. "Where is Castle?"

"I don't know." He confessed his face contorted with worry and guilt.

"Get me up." Beckett demanding and much to her body's protest, she managed to get to her feet. She took a moment to look at what remained of the commissioner's office before starting to the end of the hall. "Castle!" She felt no shame in the way her voice broke as she stumbled over piles of debris. "Castle answer me damn it."

Ryan was already busying turn over ruined furniture and mangled steel. "Come on writer monkey."

"Here" Castle's weak voice came from near the end of the hall that was in a little better shape than the rest of the building. "I got a desk on me and well I can't get it off."

Despite the burning pain in her leg and shoulder, Beckett raced to where Castle's voice was coming from. "Ryan." She waited for the detective to join her, "Help me get this off."

Castle looked up when the wooden desk was lifted from him and was delighted to see the two battered detectives standing over him. "Hey."

A huge smile crossed Beckett's face, "Hey yourself." Painfully, she knelt down beside him to inspect for wounds, "Are you okay?"

"A few cuts, but no new injuries." Castle assured. Though it took great effort on his part, he lifted his casted hand that was bound by a sling to cup her bruised cheek. Covered in black soot, plaster, and blood she still was the most breath taking thing in the world. "You okay?"

"A few more scraps to add to the collective, but I think I'll live." She shrugged only to find that it was a really bad idea as it caused an explosion of pain. "Can you stand?"

"No." His grip tightened on her face, "Are you okay?"

How she loved this man. Here they were in the middle of a blown out building, battered, bruised, and bloody and he was asking if she was okay because it was finally over. In truth she hadn't really thought about it and right now they needed to get out of here before they died of smoke inhalation. "Let's get you up."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The scene outside was controlled chaos. The fire department was working on putting out the blaze while the police did their best to tape of the scene. Gates had managed to escape on her own and was now commanding the uniforms to help contain the scene. It looked like John had some sort of heart as the building was empty at the time of the explosion.

"Captain Gates." Another paramedic tried to get her attention, "You really need to get check out."

Gate's head wiped around to glare at the younger man, "I'm fine. Make sure you take care of my people." Her hair was a mess, her clothes dirty, bloody and singed, yet she somehow managed to have this regal sense about her. "Is that understood?"

The paramedic scurried off past Beckett who was approaching, "He is right, sir." The detective pointed out. There was a gash on the older woman's brow and she was favoring her right leg. "You look pretty beat up."

"Well if someone hadn't thrown me hard I couldn't have twisted my leg." Gates pointed out.

"Next time I'll just leave you be then." Beckett suggested with a raised brow.

Gates held the Beckett's gaze for a long moment before a small smile broke out across her face, "Thank you, Kate."

"Didn't want to go breaking in a new captain." Beckett pushed a fallen strand of hair from her dirty face, "And well we've kind of gotten use to having you around so."

Gates looked to the pair of ambulances parked at the edge of the scene. "How are the boys?"

"Ryan has a gash to his other leg and Esposito has a few burns on his back and neck. All three of them have some minor scrapes and bruising." Beckett informed, "They'll come away with a few scars that they'll brag about for the next few months."

"Well I think after the events of the last few days that they've earned the right. It's not every day you walk away from someone trying to blow you up." Gates focused on the woman before her. Beckett's face housed a few more cuts to add to the ones she sustained the day before. Her skin and clothes were blackened by the smoke. Her hair was frayed from the heat of the flames and had been thrown into a messy bun. Gates could see that she was holding her right arm close to her side and the pain that was simmering in her eyes, but she was holding it together and Gates knew that it was only by straws. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." Beckett said with a small smile and they both knew that she wasn't. "I'm going to see Castle off to the hospital before Alexis does in fact kill me. Then I'll make my way back to the station and the circus that awaits us there."

"Go."

"Sir." Beckett paused for a moment, "Can you promise me something."

"I can try."

"Keep Ryan and Esposito out of this as much of you can. Let me take the blame."

"Even if it means having your badge taken away?"

"Even if." She started towards the ambulance only to take a detour to find a spot that was free of people and cameras. With tears burning the back of her throat, Beckett sank against the front of the car. It was over. She found that she couldn't breathe, couldn't even think. She had waited for this moment for so long and now that it was here there was just nothing. The man responsible for her mother's death was dead. It was over. She braced her shaking hands against her knees. It was finally over.

"Kate." Castle whispered her name as he slowly and very painfully sat down beside her.

She tried to hide her tears, "You should be on your way to the hospital."

"I will." Castle wrapped his arm around her shoulder, "Let it go Kate. It's over."

Beckett hands curled into his shirt as she turned her face into his shoulder and let everything go. Deep gut wrenching sobs racked her body. Over a decade of pain and misery just flowed right out of her. Beckett cried for her mother, for Montgomery, for her father, and for herself. She clung to the man she loved and nearly lost because of this stupid quest. She had put him, his family, and their friends in danger and now it was all over. The man responsible for all the pain and misery in her life was dead. Beckett wished that she had been the one to end his life, but in the end it had been better that she hadn't. It wasn't something that she was sure she could have carried around with her. She had set out to get justice for her mother not revenge. "It's finally over."

"You did it Kate." Castle whispered into her hair.

"We did it." Beckett corrected. Now that it was all over she wondered where that left her.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

A week and a half later Beckett found herself sitting in a chair outside the Captain's office waiting on her fate. She was some what healed from those horrid two days. She walked away from the blast with burns ranging from first to third, a dislocated shoulder, and two broken ribs. Castle had been finally released from the hospital, though they had not been happy with escape, and was now at home. Beckett hadn't spoken to him since the day by the car. It wasn't really by choice really. Her life had been turned into a circus with inquires by IA, the press, and the brass leaving her too tired to pick up a phone or to go home. She had spent the last week sleeping on the couch in the break room. Alexis had stopped by once just to make sure that she was okay for both her and her father's sake. Alexis also told the detective that her father understood if she needed time and space and to remember that they would all be waiting for her when this was over.

Beckett played with the two rings that hung around her neck. One held so much sadness and one that held so much possibility. Castle hadn't mentioned his engagement ring nor had anyone else for that matter. It was just one more thing that would have to keep until this was over.

"You want some company?" Ryan asked lingering by the chair. He hated that Beckett insisted taking the fall for all of this. He and Esposito did everything they could to fight her, but even Gates took her side.

"Nah." Beckett tried to smile as she glanced into the captain's office where Gates was talking to the chief of detectives along with Internal Affairs.

"Why are you doing this Beckett?" Ryan wondered. "We agreed to go along with all of this? We wouldn't have done that if we weren't prepared to go down with you."

"I know this, Kevin. But the two of you wouldn't have been in this position if it wasn't for me. None of this would have happened if it wasn't for me." Beckett whispered glancing down at the two rings again. They had to see that she was doing this for them. Ryan and Esposito had great careers a head of them and she didn't want this to tarnish it. Plus she didn't want this ugliness to spread into their families like it had hers. "Go before they come out."

Ryan reluctantly complied with one last glance at the captain's office.

Beckett followed his gaze and watched as Gates talked to the Chief of D's. Everything was going to change and she knew it. The entire police station had been shaken by the commissioner's involvement and word about Montgomery had started to spread. Beckett knew Gates had tried hard to keep that one a secret, but never the less his golden reputation was now tarnished beyond repair. Beckett felt bad for his wife, children, and all those who had served under him. She also knew that Gates was in their fighting for her and her job. Beckett was grateful for that, but she found herself almost not caring what fate had in store for her behind that door.

Who was she now any ways? Kate had stopped existing that moment they found her mother's body in that alley. Beckett had stepped up and buried everything that was good and pure. For years Beckett had put up the walls to make sure that Kate stayed behind them. Now after they were torn down, Beckett didn't know how to bring Kate out of that cold dark place she was buried.

"Detective Beckett?"

Beckett stood to face Gates making sure that her face showed no sign of discomfort. She was not going to let those men see her still suffering from her injuries. "It's time?"

"Yes."

* * *

><p>sorry cliffhanger I know. But good news the other part should be up by the end of the week!<p> 


	13. Letting Go

"So it's over now."

"It is." Beckett shifted in her seat to ease the pain in her ribs as Nathan took a seat across from her. She wasn't sure why she was here when there places she needed to be, but her she was none the less because it felt like something she had to do. Just adding to another chapter before finally closing this book.

"How do you feel?" Nathan asked and watched the detective struggle to find an answer. He folded his hands, waited, and studied. Her face still bared the horrors in the forms of healing cuts and discoloration of bruises. Under that Nathan could see how bone tired the woman was. Not that he could really blame her after what she had been through the last couple of weeks. Hell the last decade if he wanted to be exact. When Beckett continued to chew on her lip he tried something different, "Okay let's try an easier question. How is Alexis holding up? I read that she was in the apartment when it was attacked."

This was something that she could answer without wracking her brain for twenty minutes. "She was."

"That must have scared her to death."

"No more than the facing the possibility of losing her father." Beckett remarked, "She's shaken and asking herself how she can go back to the way it was all before this happened."

"You feel guilty for that."

"Of course I do. I just let it go-If I just walked away none of this would have happened." Beckett ran a restless hand through her hair, "Everything has been my fault. Montgomery, castle's abduction, the attempt on Alexis's life. Dreams was right."

Nathan's brow furrowed, "What?"

"Before he detonated the bomb he was telling me that none of this would have happened if I kept my nose out of it." Beckett's voice caught as she continued, "he told me it was the same reason my mother was killed."

"Your mother was killed because she wouldn't let an innocent man rot in prison for a crime he didn't commit." Nathan stated even though it was a bit blunt. "It's a trait that you have in common with her. You both fight for the innocent. For those that have no voice."

"They took my badge." Beckett leaned back in her chair as she let the words hang in the air. It was something she had been trying to processes for the last two hours since she handed over her shield to the Chief of D's.

This actually surprised the therapist, "For good?"

Beckett shrugged, "I'm not sure." Gates had fought for her tooth and nail and for that Beckett would be forever grateful, but it didn't matter in the end. Truth be told The brass didn't really know what to do with her after the walls came crashing down. On one hand they were commending her on bringing down such a corruption, a corruption that was still shaking out conspirators left and right. On the other she had also ignored evidence, buried Montgomery's involvement, lied to her superiors, and ran off without back up to rescue the man she loved. They weren't sure if one action out weighted the other. "And to tell you the truth I'm not sure I want it back."

"Excuse me?"

"Ever since Raglan showed up on our door step I feel like I've been living another life. From that moment I started on a different path then what I was supposed to go on. All I've ever know is this case, being a cop. I told you before that I don't regret a thing because it wouldn't have brought me the happiness that I've had. But-." Beckett sank her teeth into her bottom lip to try to keep her thoughts straight. "I don't know who I am without this case. I mean what if the real Kate Beckett was supposed to be a lawyer like her parents? Or a singer?"

"You told me before that you wanted to find out what you were without this." Nathan reminded.

"I know and now it scares me."

He leaned over to still the detective's fidgeting hands, "I know it does, but Kate it's over now. Everything you've ever wanted you can have without this looming over your head. You have a chance to find out who the real Kate Beckett is and I bet you'd be surprised that you'll find that she's not far from Detective Beckett."

The corner of her mouth lifted in a fleeting smile. Maybe she was thinking too much into this. Just because a large chapter of her life was over didn't mean she still wasn't who she was. "He asked me to marry him."

"He did?"

Well not officially yet, but that didn't need to be said at the moment. Since she couldn't really sit still any longer, Beckett paced to the window. "I nearly lost him."

"But you didn't." Nathan pointed out, "Have you answered him?"

"No."

He watched her pull out the chain that hung around her neck to study a ring, "Is that your mother's?" He asked knowing that it was something she wore every day since her mother's murder.

"It's the one he gave me." She had taken off her mother's ring off after her meeting in Gates' office. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but it seemed like it was time to start putting that part of her away. Sighing, Beckett closed a hand over the ring, "I haven't seen him in almost two weeks because I needed the space."

Nathan ran a pen through his fingers, "Are you still mad at him for lying to you for months?" He could see the question wasn't too out of line as he watched the detective struggle for an answer. "He did it for good reasons."

"I know, doesn't make it any easier."

"How long have you loved him?"

The question stopped her pacing, "umm I don't know." She tried to pin point the exact moment in time and found it hard to come up with it. Looking back now falling in love with Richard castle just seem to happen. Small touches that annoyed her started to become something that made her breath catch. Looks became more intense and full of such tension. When had that started? After Conan? No it was before that wasn't it? "Honestly I don't know."

"Okay, how long did it take before you told him how you felt? Three almost four years?" Nathan watched Beckett nod her head in agreement. "Kate you've wasted enough time not being happy. You told me that this is what you want, to be with Castle and maybe start a family. Well here it is right in front of you. Don't waste any more time because you're scared. You have a man who loves you very much. He was willing to risk never seeing you again so you can find closer. Hell he was ready to give up his life for you. For you , Kate. Don't throw that away."

Beckett looked down at the ring she was rolling in between her fingertips. "I don't think I will." She assured as she picked up her jacket from the back of the chair.

"Going somewhere?" Nathan asked.

"Yeah there is some where I need to be and I'm late." Beckett gave the man a smile, "thank you Dr. Jules."

"Good luck with everything Detective Beckett."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Castle glanced at his watch for the tenth time before looking back to the doors of the auditorium. The music was starting up which meant that graduation was about to start. He was sure that Beckett was going to come even if they hadn't spoken in over two weeks. She knew how much Alexis wanted her here for this day. He told everyone that he was okay with giving Beckett space, but deep down every moment they were apart killed him. It looked like that his worst fear was coming to life. It looked like he was going to have to face a life without Kate Beckett.

"Am I too late?"

Beckett's voice had the writer spinning around so fast he nearly lost his balance. "Kate!" Over joyed, he limped his way over to her ready to beg for forgiveness. "I'm-."

"Rick." She reached hand to his healing face cutting him off. Most of the gashes on his face were almost healed and there was only slight discoloration around his eye left. He looked very dashing in his dark suit with his red tie and she could barely even notice the cast still bound to his arms. A smile, for the first time in nearly two weeks, crossed her face. "It's done."

Castle shook his head needing to explain himself, "But Kate I-."

"But nothing. I almost lost you over this, Rick. You are the most important thing in my life, the only thing that keeps me sane and whole." She brushed her thumb over the corner of his lips desperately wanting to kiss them. "A part of me is still mad, but I won't let it take us two steps back. Time is our enemy, Rick, and I won't waste a single moment we have left. I love you and I forgive you."

"What happened with the brass?" castle softly asked momentarily forgetting that his daughter's graduation was underway. "Kate if you're in trouble because of me-."

"It doesn't matter." Beckett assured and felt good knowing that she meant that. "All I want is you."

His heart caught in his throat as she brought her other hand to his face and he caught site of the ring resting on her finger. Before he could say a word, her mouth was on his causing him to stumble back a few steps. The intensity of it had him fumbling to get the message to his arms to wrap them around her. When she pulled away she had a blinding smile on her face, "We'll talk about this later. Right now it's your daughter's day."

Alexis wasn't really paying attention to what the principal was saying, her mind was somewhere very far away. Her mother not showing up was to be expected, but she was hurt beyond words that Beckett skipped out on her. She knew that the detective was reeling from the fall out of what happened and part of her would eventually forgive her for that. Just at the moment she hated to woman. Alexis felt foolish for trusting Beckett in not letting her down. It seemed like everyone in her father's life was good for that.

"Alexis." The principal called out for the third time finally getting the teenager's attention. "You're up."

Alexis forced a smile as she stepped up to the podium her gaze on her speech in front of her. ""There is a universal truth we all have to face, whether we want to or not: everything eventually ends." She looked up to seek out her father and grandmother and was shocked to see Beckett at his side. The woman smiled causing Alexis's own to spread until she thought her face would crack. Alexis gave her a smile wave before turning her attention back on to her speech with renewed interest. " As much as I've looked forward to this day, I've always disliked endings. The last day of summer, the final chapter of a great book, parting ways with a close friend. But endings are inevitable. Leaves fall, you close the book, you say goodbye."

Beckett looked down when Castle's hand closed over hers. Her heart ached at the teenager's words, saying goodbye was indeed on of the hardest things to do in one life. Especially to something that had been such a pivotal part of one's life. Fighting tears, she turned her attention back to Alexis.

"Today is one of those days for us. Today we say goodbye to everything that was familiar. Everything that was comfortable. We're moving on. But just because we're leaving, and that hurts, there are some people who are so much a part of us they'll be with us no matter what." Alexis wasn't prepared for her words to have such a profound effect on Beckett. She felt a single tear escape in response to the ones running freely down the detective's face. "They are our solid ground, our North Star, and the small clear voices that will be with us always."

0o0o0o0o00o0o0o0o0o

After the ceremony was over, Alexis made her way through the crowd trying to find her family. She came across Beckett first, "Kate!"

Beckett caught the teenager in a rib crushing hug, "You did so great! I'm so proud of you Alexis."

"I was so worried you weren't going to come." Alexis confessed.

"I know." She pulled away to run a hand over Alexis's hair, "I'm sorry. There was just something I had to do."

Alexis's face fell when she noticed the strain in the detective's brow, "What happened? Did they take your badge away?"

Beckett deflected the questions, "Come on your grandmother is trying to cheer your father up. He's taking it quite hard that his little girl just graduated high school." She wrapped her arm around Alexis's shoulder and steered her towards the front.

"I see that you're wearing the ring." Alexis smiled, "Does that mean you're going to be my new step mom."

"Depends on if you're okay with that." Beckett answered. They never really talked about it too much about this course of action since that early morning talk all those months ago. "I know it's been just you and your dad for a very long time and I don't want to break that up."

"Are you going to disappear again?"

"No."

"Do you love him?"

"You know that I do, Alexis. I also love you."

Hearing that had Alexis stumbling for a moment, "Then I think I can get use to be a trio."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

At the loft, Beckett took a moment to take a step back and just take it all in. All of the surface damage at been repaired, she would have to ask Castle how he managed that one so fast, and the furniture had been replaced. On said furniture was the family she loved. Ryan and Jenny were talking to Martha and her father about something that had Jim laughing so hard that his face was beat red. Alexis was in the kitchen with Lanie, most likely talking about her job or asking what classes she should take. Esposito was serving another drink for Gates as they talked in hushed towards. There was no sign that this family had been nearly torn about just two week earlier.

"Hey." Castle leaned against the bookcase outside his office where Beckett was sweeping the room. When she turned to look at him he offered her a smile instead of asking that was burning inside him.

Beckett answered it anyways, "They took my badge."

"Oh Kate I'm so sorry." Castle's heart squeezed in guilt, "This is all my fault."

"No it's not." She corrected leaning gently into him, "It's mine. I was the one who told everyone to keep Montgomery out of this. I ignored protocol-."

"Because of me! You ignored it because of me, Kate." Castled rubbed a hand over his face, "Maybe I can talk to someone and explain what I did."

"No. What done is done."

"You seem so calm about this."

Beckett continued to watch the people she cared about, "The shield doesn't make me who I am. I'm so much more than that." She looked at him, "You made me realize that, Rick."

"I did?" He asked surprised.

"Your love has shown me who I am without all of this. It's showed me that I can be more if I wanted to. When you look at me I realize that I can do or be anything. I love you for that. I love you for who and what I am when I'm around you. I love you because you've fought the darkness with me at my side. You've always been at my side even when I didn't want you to be." She turned to frame his face with her hands, "You have done more than anyone to make me happy and good. You've done that by just being you. That is why I will be proud to be your wife, Richard Castle."

His hand was suddenly on hers, his mouth fused over hers in a kiss that had the room spinning. He could faintly hear the wolf whistles from the boys as he wrapped his arms around her and dipped her, his mouth still working against hers. Beckett's arms found their away around his neck, kissing him back with everything she had. Later she would be embarrassed by such a public display of affection, but at the moment it didn't matter. All that matter was that she was kissing the man she loved and everything was right in the world.

"At this rate we'll both have another grandchild around before the year is up." Martha whispered causing Jim to choke on his drink.

"All right break it up!" Alexis called out her voice dancing with laughter.

Breathless, Castle drew away as he righted themselves, "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure." She feathered her fingers through his mane of hair, "I hope you're okay with me not being Niki Heat anymore."

"I don't care about that." He rained kisses over her face drowning in her giggles, "I don't care if you get your badge back and decide to walk away. I don't care if you want to go back to school to be a lawyer, doctor, or hell even a teacher. I'll still be inspired by you and I'll support you. God I love you so much."

Laughing, Beckett threw her arms around him as he spun them around in dizzy circles. Soon the entire room was crowded around them happy to celebrate the wonderful news.


	14. Epilogue

After a month of suspension Beckett was fully reinstated, but it took her another two before coming back to active duty. In that short time the fall out of her mother's case finally reached its end. In that time they had arrested several cops, a few low level politicians, and a state senator. Many made deals that lead to more arrest and they finally realized just how deep this went. Even three months later it still was splashed on the nightly news or in the paper. It was easy for Beckett to slip back into routine once she returned and found the true reason she knew this was what she was meant to be all along. It looked like Nathan was right. Kate Beckett and Detective Beckett were one and the same.

It also turned out that Martha wasn't that far off in her prediction. The couple married in the early weeks of September and by the next July they welcomed a baby boy named Ronan Beckett Castle. Two years later a girl followed her name Serena Johanna Castle. Two days after her birth Jenny, after years of medical test and trying, finally gave birth to twins Gideon and Aidan Ryan.

On the five year mark of the closure of Beckett's mother's case, the family gathered at central park for a fun filled day as they remembered all those who they lost. They spend the day eating food and playing until the kids passed out from exhaustion.

Castle, with his son perched on his shoulders, knelt down beside his wife for a nice long kiss. "Hey."

"Mamma!" Ronan shouted, "Look I'm taller than daddy!"

"I see that. Look Rena, big brother is tall!" The two year old looked up and laughed causing Beckett's face to light up like a Christmas tree, "Lunch should be here soon. Dad just got stuck in traffic."

"As did we." Lanie informed carrying a nice size picnic basket. Behind her Esposito was carrying a car seat carrying their four month year old daughter Lizzie. "Sorry."

"It's okay." Martha assured as she was just starting to set up the deserts that she had brought.

"Pie!" Aidan went for the pie and luckily Ryan swooped in to pick up the two year old before he smashed his small chubby hands in it. "Daddy pie!"

"Eat lunch then pie." Ryan corrected and when he was sure his son understood, he set the boy on his feet and watched him wobble off to play with his brother.

"Hey Ronan." Alexis helped her brother from his perch on Castle's shoulders. The now twenty three year old was no in med school working towards becoming a medical examiner. "Let's go kick the soccer ball around."

"Uncle Kevin come play!" Ronan demanded pulling on the man's hand leaving the cop no choice but to comply.

"Me too!" Serena wiggled out of her mother's lap and followed her siblings.

Smiling, Castle flopped down next to his wife, "Are you happy Kate?"

She touched a hand to his face, "More than I thought possible. Thank you, Rick."

His brow furrowed, "For what?"

"For making me completely and utterly happy." She brushed her lips over his, "For standing by me all these years and never giving up on me. On us."

Castle kissed the ring on her left hand, "Always."

* * *

><p>Okay this well was horrible, but I couldn't get anything else out. anyways well this is the end of this story! It's been fun to write and I want to thank everyone who has ever read, alerted, reviewed, or shared this story.<p>

Erin aka tonks32


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